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-   -   Sounds like a balancing act (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69774)

schworak 04-25-2014 01:34 PM

Sounds like a balancing act
My wife has a very good friend for many years now. In the past year or so I have become more involved with this woman and her kids. They come over for dinner I have gotten to know her really well.

My wife is quite taken with her. Not really in a sexual way but there is a clear emotional bond.

I have started to pick up a bond with her as well and she has become a very dear friend that I do care deeply about and some how I have bonded with her kids in a semi-fatherly way (maybe more of a cool uncle way).

Well my wife broke the friends barrier the other day when she suggested that we all go to a swingers club. Nervous as hell (it was our first time) but we all talked and had a good time watching people then we all got together with an audience and put on quite a good show.

The next day we all lounged around the house together being frindly and it was quite clear that things had changed and that night of sex was not going to be a one time thing.

Talk has started of everyone living under one roof. Now my first reaction was "Woo hoo!" but then reality set in and I started to consider all the ramifications. Of course the kids... That was the first concern... How will they deal with it if my role changes from less of an uncle role to more of a fatherly role?

Then I also got concerned about how do I balance feelings for each woman. I don't think it is possible to love two people the same. Hell, I had 4 kids of my own and although I love them each with all my heart I love them each differently and show that love differnetly and they each get more or less attention at differnt times.

So I see that being an issue or a possible issue if we are all living under one roof. I can see my love for my wife staying strong and not faltering but I will no longer be able to give full attention to her as I give some attention to this other woman. And as time passes, I would feel more comfortable showing more and more affection to the other woman.

I guess I am mainly looking for any tips or things to watch out for as we start down this road. Signs I should be looking for that something may be out of balance. I don't want anyone to ever feel left out or pushed aside so I hope to see signs of trouble as early as possible so things don't get out of control.

Thanks for any thoughts you can provide. This is going to be interesting as it unfolds.

london 04-25-2014 01:55 PM

I think keep it casual for a good while. Don't make any big leaps that you can't reverse. This works as it is, is it worth losing the sex and the friendship for a potentially dysfunctional triad that could impact on the children?

GalaGirl 04-25-2014 03:00 PM

I'm glad your sex share went well. I'm glad you are trying to be realistic and consider where next steps might go.


So I see that being an issue or a possible issue if we are all living under one roof. I can see my love for my wife staying strong and not faltering but I will no longer be able to give full attention to her as I give some attention to this other woman. And as time passes, I would feel more comfortable showing more and more affection to the other woman.
That's not a "problem" to me. That is a realistic assessment of what could happen when you all live under one roof. It's in yo' face. You have neither physical distance or psychological distance from it. And that's part of the price of admission to co-habitating rather than dating and living separately -- having to talk and deal with how to handle all that as dating partners IN ADDITION to all the "roomie" stuff people have to sort out with each other.

You'd be many things to each other -- spouses, lovers, friends, roomie, and you are also worrying about co-parenting. It's GOOD that you are trying to articulate expectations for each of those things you might be to each woman IF you go there.

Could remember it is not just you but also works the other ways:
  • Your wife could give YOU less attention because she's spending some of her time on the other woman. SHE would feel more comfortable and you would have to deal with witnessing their PDA. (You up for this?)
  • The other woman would have to deal with you and wife spending time together. She would be dealing with witnessing you and wife PDA, etc. (You up for this? )

Welcome to the polymath.

My advice? Don't be in a rush to move in. You shared sex recently -- let the emotional "whee!" that can stir up from that die down some before making major Life Decisions like co-habitating and helping to raise kids.

One does not RUSH into those kinds of decisions. Spend more time together first. Maybe save up to take a vacation together and rent a cabin or something for a month to try it on before making a big commitment. You get a look at how you all work together toward one goal, deal with money, deal with being under one roof, etc. Take several "previews!"


I guess I am mainly looking for any tips or things to watch out for as we start down this road.
I'd keep an eye on the other 2 - if either keep pushing for "live together" and doesn't want to wait -- it could be a bad case of New Relationship Energy (NRE), hidden motives, emotional reasoning, unrealistic expectations or failing to understand that what 1 person wants or what 2 persons want is not what ALL 3 of the persons want.

Don't start a triad based on the thrill of one sex share. That's not a solid foundation. Take TIME.

Maybe these pages help?


Then more info:

I'm sure other people could post more links.

Keep in mind you really haven't even gotten started here. It's friendship, with one sex share. I know right now things are caught up in the cozy, but make time/space to talk about how to break up IF it breaks up. Will it go back to her single and you two married? Or everyone down to single if it breaks up? Still friends or not?

What sort of open model are you trying to practice together? Does everyone agree? What are each of your boundaries? You are going to try this one for how long? With option to "renew" and keep going? Is this a triad? Or a "V" with one of you at the hinge? Or just sex play partners? What does each person want to be?

Take TIME sorting it out. There are long conversations to be having. And in the having -- you get to know each other more fully.

Nobody has committed to anything even "dating" here yet. A successful public threesome is not automatically a successful triad. Maybe in the dating you all discover it more naturally wants to be a "V" -- or that a triad IS what it wants to be. Or maybe not even -- all it was destined to be was a good threesome. Nothing wrong with that either.

But you all could date first. Find this stuff out.

You got caught up in the heat of the moment -- had a good experience. For it to lead to DATING -- ok.

For it to jump to living together and pooling all resources -- no.


AlbertaRaven 04-25-2014 03:08 PM

Woooaaaahhh slow down there! No need to rush! I agree with GalaGirl, there's plenty of time to sort out your questions. Why not just enjoy the NRE for now and practice your communication skills before you dive headfirst into co-habitation? Would you advise your friend that he should move in with a girl he slept with once?

Just because you've known her for a long time doesn't mean you'll be good partners. Take your time with this. Read GalaGirl's links. It seems like you're really getting ahead of yourself.


nycindie 04-26-2014 04:48 AM

It is way too early to even think about living together!

kdt26417 04-26-2014 04:58 AM

If or when you end up living with this other woman, I'd start having weekly sit-downs where all three adults check in with each other to see if everyone's wants and needs are being met -- and if they're not, to brainstorm as a team for ways to correct the situation.

There's no reason why everything has to be perfectly balanced all the time. People are complex and relationships are imperfect. Embrace the imperfection; it's your way of being uniquely you.

But yeah, communication. A whole lot of it. And get better at it with practice. Trying to read people's minds (e.g. seeing signs of trouble) is much less efficient than is simply asking someone outright how they're doing and what they're feeling. Make no assumptions and take nothing for granted. Too much talk is better than too little, especially in the early stages.

You might want to keep a three-person calendar too. But like the others were saying, consider dating for awhile before moving in together. Sometimes moving in together goes smoothly but in most cases it's really hard work and takes a lot of adjusting.

Hope these thoughts are helpful.
Kevin T.

schworak 05-03-2014 06:43 PM

Thank you all so very much for all this wonderful advice.

It is clear I have a lot to keep thinking about and keep watching the situation.

I don't want to wreck the friendship or the bond that I am picking up for the kids for sure.

I will take it slow and keep an eye on things. Given the choice I would rather be friends without sex than have it all fall apart. But once we go down the road to a point there will be no putting it back in the box.

So again, thank you.

kdt26417 05-03-2014 08:02 PM

Hey, keep us posted, alright? I for one am anxious to hear about how things will turn out. Relationships can be quite the adventure, can't they?

schworak 05-06-2014 12:51 AM

I will keep you posted.

Relationships can be quite the bitch to keep on the right path. A good relationship with just two people can be a trick. Throw in a third and then kids on top of that. What the hell am I thinking? ha ha ha ha

But there is a lot more than just lust going on for sure.

kdt26417 05-06-2014 01:32 AM

They say polyamory is worth it. ;)

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