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-   -   Wedding advice STAT please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69696)

samdoj 04-19-2014 09:23 PM

Wedding advice STAT please
Hi everyone! My fiancÚ and I are a poly couple, and obviously soon to be a married couple. Here's the issue. We don't know what to do about our poly friends and their SOs on the guest list for our wedding. Our friend has a boyfriend and a husband, and her husband has a girlfriend. Do we have to invite them all? They are not out, which is a further complication. We are having a very small wedding, therefore we wish to invite as few people as possible, but we are making every effort to include our friends, which they definitely are. We mostly know our friend and her boyfriend, and have barely met her husband or his girlfriend. If either one of us were to start dating now, our OSO wouldn't be able to come. Any ideas on how to navigate this tricky situation would be much appreciated. We don't want to hurt or accidentally exclude anyone. One further piece of information is that she seems closer to her bf than her husband, and her husband seems closer to his gf, which may be due to NRE, although they have all been dating for quite some time now. Thoughts?

nycindie 04-19-2014 09:40 PM

Invite the people you want to be there.

kdt26417 04-19-2014 11:53 PM

Yeah, don't give yourself a stroke over it. You could call your friend and ask whether she thinks her husband and his girlfriend should be invited. Explain that you're asking because you know they're not "out."

On the other hand, even if they're not out that doesn't mean they can't all show up to the same social event. They could just take it easy on the PDA's while they're at the wedding. Doesn't sound like it would need to be a major problem.

But ultimately, yeah, it just boils down to inviting the people you'd like to invite. It's your wedding, right? Let it be about you.

SchrodingersCat 04-20-2014 12:49 AM

The bride and groom should never feel obligated to do anything for their wedding that they don't want to do.

If you want to keep it small, just tell them that. By your description, you'd prefer to just have the friend and her boyfriend. You could send separate invitations to the friend and boyfriend and politely mention that you're having a small ceremony and that only people named on the invitations are actually invited to attend.

People who get offended because they're not invited to a wedding need to pull their heads outta their butts and remember that weddings are about the people getting married, not appeasing everyone in their wider sphere.

We put our wedding on a Wednesday in the middle of winter. Partially because it was the anniversary of our first date, but I'm not going to lie: the fact that few people are able to make it out on a Wednesday in the middle of winter was a contributing factor. We wanted to make sure that the only people who showed up were the people close enough to make special accommodations just for us. I think we had 12 guests in total, and it was perfect.

LovingRadiance 04-20-2014 02:42 AM

Invite by name or invite "with 1 guest". Then they can choose who is their guest.

PolyinPractice 04-20-2014 07:29 PM


Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 265097)
Invite by name or invite "with 1 guest". Then they can choose who is their guest.

Ugh. If my friend made me choose which of my partners to bring (assuming I was able to be open), I would just not come at all.

SchrodingersCat 04-20-2014 07:45 PM

I'm inclined to agree. It's bad enough getting those "+1" invitations when you're being invited to a regular mono wedding where they just don't know better... but when you're being invited to a poly wedding by people who know how mono-normative "+1" is... yech.

Also, it sounds like the B&G want to choose the guest, or more accurately, they just want to invite the friend and the friend's bf, both of whom they're friends with, and leave out the husband and the husband's gf. So I see absolutely no problem talking to the friend in person and explaining what they want, and that they don't mean any offense or hard feelings by it, but that it's their wedding and they only want guests whom they're actually close with, not vague acquaintances...

Tigergirl 04-22-2014 12:33 PM

At most, if you feel you need to invite the husband as well to be polite, do that so you won't feel bad, quietly explain to your friend your thoughts on inviting both her partners (since they aren't out, she might choose to only come with her husband, not her boyfriend), and let THEM figure out who out of that trio is coming. Your friends partners other partner that you don't know? You are under no obligation to invite them. You barely know them, even less then you know the husband it sounds like. So, feel free to wipe that one off the seating chart.

Inyourendo 04-22-2014 03:59 PM

I would give plus one to the mono people and plus 2 for the poly folks. I would never assume you friends would want to bring along their metamores.

AlwaysGrowing 04-22-2014 09:43 PM

It's your wedding, invite the people YOU want to be there. Explain to your friend that you're keeping it small therefore couldn't afford to invite the whole group. If you know boyfriend, invite him by name and your friend by name. No plus ones, no confusion. Send them separate invites if you want so if they don't want to be "out" about being together, they can come separately.

It's your wedding, make it how you want it to be. Weddings are also expensive, so I would hope your friend would be understanding about keeping it intimate.

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