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-   -   Getting Used to Limited Time (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69680)

Ashley612 04-17-2014 09:52 PM

Getting Used to Limited Time
First off, will say that I am new to poly. Found a guy I am interested in, but the lack of time to see him is so hard. Feel like I am the one constantly finding time (or trying to find time) to get together, and it leaves me feeling kinda sad and lovesick. Feel like I really like this guy, but kinda feels like very early on (2 weeks in) I am not a priority. Any advice on dealing with limited time and figuring out the difference b/w that and a secondary relationship just not being a priority for someone.

moon1336 04-17-2014 10:43 PM

get a hobby... hang out with friends... Do something with your time...

I understand what you are going through... it can suck!
I am so used to my love always being attached to the hip with me.
It does give me a love sick feelings as well, but I fill up my time with school, and with my two jobs... but once school is over... I am going to need to pick up another hobby, or something!

You will get through this, and the feeling does go away, with time oh course, and NOT fighting it.

Inyourendo 04-17-2014 10:57 PM

How much time are we talking about? I really struggled when I met Sam because I wanted to spend a lot of time with him (big time NRE) but I knew that just wasn't possible because of my other obligations (family, work, school). But it was important to make sure he felt valued and that he did get a fair amount of time. So we get approximately 40 hours a week together (2 evenings,overnights, mornings)

You should also find friends, hobbies, and maybe another lover to occupy your time. Van he also find time, even if its an hour lunch date or a walk. I know when I get an impromptu meeting with sam between our overnights it makes it so much easier for me to manage. i know its harder for him because im with nate 3 nights a week where he has to spend that time alone. i think sometimes its hard for someone with a primary to understand the needs of the person that is alone

Ashley612 04-17-2014 11:46 PM

Well, as far a time. I've just noticed a change in the frequency of texts and such. Plus, I am the one that seems to bring up getting back together. Have tons of friends and hobbies. It just kinda comes across that if he has nothing better to do then he has "time" to get together. Get that people have lives because man only KNOWS I am busy, but when I am into someone I make the time.

Just feel like I am already more invested than he is, and once NRE wears off it's only going to get worse.

YouAreHere 04-18-2014 12:01 AM

I do struggle with time in my relationship (if you're interested in reading, the rambling blog link is below in my .sig). However, my circumstances are a bit different: co-primaries (for lack of a better term), where Chops (our hinge) splits his time between two homes. I find that a half-time schedule is difficult for me to feel a "life partner" type of relationship at times (how to share your life with someone when they're not there for a lot of it?). If we were still in NRE, it'd be unbearable.

What I needed in order to feel some level of stability in our relationship was a schedule - I needed to know that we had a plan to see each other, even if things have to get rescheduled. That helped immensely. Your mileage may vary, but it's worth a talk with your partner to get the both of you on the same page regarding what he is able to offer, and what you need (which is not always what you want).

And you may need to keep talking about it if it doesn't work out perfectly the first time. That's okay - rough drafts are progress, not failures. :)

Good luck.

(Also edited to add that I never liked the "get a hobby" types of responses - they always seemed very "here's a dollar, kid - go find something to do" to me. However, learning how to be alone, and learning to do the things YOU like is a valuable skill - you do need to be comfortable in your own skin to be comfortable being alone. Distractions only help while you have them.)

Ashley612 04-18-2014 12:18 AM

Thanks YouAreHere. Totally ok being alone. Just don't like wondering if I am being stringed along. Seems to be one of those says one thing and actions say another kinda things. Definitely on the menu to be talked about next time he has some free time.

london 04-18-2014 01:36 AM

I think the main issue here is that you've moved this relationship to an advanced level of expectation far too soon. As much as love and the emotional stuff is infinite, resources are finite. As you are well aware, your existing commitments take up time, energy etc and you can't be in two places at once. It's really important to look at your life and make realistic decisions about what additional commitments you can maintain.

What you could ask of him is that you make dates in advance. That means you committing to a date as well as him. If he refuses or doesn't keep to them, you know there is a discord between what you need from him and what he can offer.

Just a personal anecdote about why his behaviour might not be the worst thing in the world. Recently, my partner met someone new. A poly Noob. They hit it off and unfortunately, NRE hit my partner hard and he started neglecting our relationship greatly. After time, when he started to acknowledge what was going on and started to fix it, it became apparent that a) she wasn't being forthcoming about what she wanted from him b) his behaviour during NRE gave a false impression of what he could offer her whilst maintaining our relationship and c) now he was redressing the balance, she was less poly friendly than first thought. I feel that his behaviour bought into her mono normative thinking that we can't be that serious if we need other people. It was a rude awakening when he explicitly told her that my place in his life isn't replaceable and that fixing our relationship is a priority.

I don't really blame her; she was misled into believing he had the resources to maintain a level of relationship with her that replicated ours and he would sacrifice at least some of what we have, if needs be, in order to develop the relationship to that level. She did try to say that she could accept the new limitations but by then, it was clear that she felt very negatively towards me and probably isn't that suited to polyamory. It was too late, in his eyes anyway.

They've parted ways now. Perhaps if the limitations were clear from the beginning, they'd have found a way to build something sustainable that could have co existed alongside our relationship, even if it was a platonic friendship. Alas, the way things ended up, he couldn't have both relationships without quite significantly scaling one back or halting it from progressing by becoming emotionally distant. That wouldn't have worked for any of us so inevitably, it came down to him choosing between his relationship with her and his relationship with me. He ultimately decided to fix the relationship he had with me and had to sacrifice the good thing he had going with her.

I'd much rather keep a positive person in my life by having a healthy and long term FWB type arrangement than try and force any compatible person into a super serious romantic relationship model that fails after a few drama filled months.

Inyourendo 04-18-2014 01:41 AM

And that is exactly why people shouldn't allow themselves to get swept away with NRE.

GalaGirl 04-18-2014 02:04 AM

Could you be willing to give an example of the discrepancy where he says one thing but then does another? I see from your post that you are upset about the possibility that you are being strung along, but without understanding what your agreements are or what it is he is doing exactly it is hard to give you feedback.


SchrodingersCat 04-18-2014 06:17 PM

Have you tried just asking him? If this is something you expect to become long term, you'll need to be comfortable communicating your feelings at some point.

It's been 2 weeks. Maybe you feel like you're not a priority because... you're not. You're someone he just met. Priorities are, and should be, the people he's been in relationships (friendship, romantic, professional) with for months, years, decades.

If this level of intimacy and interaction doesn't meet your needs, tell him so, and ask if he's willing to spend more time. If he is, great. If not, then accept that and decide whether you can continue in this relationship under those parameters.

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