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-   -   A few questions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69623)

izziestars 04-13-2014 09:55 AM

A few questions
 
hi I have a few questions about how a relationship works etc it would be great if you guys could answer these.

Whos idea was it to start a poly relationship?

How does yours work (do you get different days, do things all together)?

I want to be in a relationship with my best friend and his ex. BUT I don't want to do anything sexually with her(I just love her company and affection) would this work?

have you been able to end a poly relationship and stay friends after?

how does it work when children are involved?


im sorry for all the questions but I want to gather as much information on other peoples experiences as possible so I can make an informed choice on what is best for us. thanks

london 04-13-2014 11:01 AM

1) Some of us became poly by opening an existing relationship, some meet somebody poly and give it a try, others decided to be non monogamous and then meet compatible partners.

2) Some people have separate relationships where minimal or no time is spent with metamours. Others spend some time together or might even live together. Those who live together may or may not all be romantically involved. I have separate relationships with minimal or no interaction with metamours.

3) I'm assuming your best friend is no longer with his ex? If so, I don't see why you couldn't be friends with her and his partner. If he is with his ex then what you're seeking is a vee relationship where you and her are friends but also both his romantic partners. As I said earlier, not everyone is "friends" with their metamours, but it is definitely preferable for there to be an absence of negative feeling. Meeting and spending time together helps some people to achieve that.

4) I would say that practicing polyamory makes it easier and less traumatic to change from a romantic relationship model to a friendship model without the mono normative negative feeling that is associated with the "failure" of a relationship. However, if the consequences of staying friends with someone outweighs the benefits of keeping them in your life, you cut ties, just like in any relationship.

4) People approach this differently. You'll find a similar spectrum of answers amongst any normal single parent forum when they discuss how they integrate dating and parenting, or conversely, how they do not integrate it.

If you mean how people handle the "who had kids with who" thing then you'll also find a wide range of answers. Many people have one primary partner who they do all those kinds of stuff with and then have relationships with other people which may exclude practical entanglements but doesn't negate commitment. Ie Primary and secondary. These people may be out to their kids, or secondary partners might be known as family friends. Some, like me, very rarely, if ever, allow their children to meet partners.

Other people have more than one primary style relationship and amongst these primary partners (who may or may not all be sexually and\or romantically involved) they have children and share childcare duties.

Others shun the notion of Co parenting being a "natural step" in a romantic relationship so they have children with people who are compatible Co parents. This means the romantic relationship between Co parents may be non existant or casual. I met a poly guy who has a wife who doesn't want children. He has always wanted kids.He has a young child with a lesbian friend who is also married to her partner. His wife is a sort of aunty to the child.

izziestars 04-13-2014 12:21 PM

thanks london this is al very new too me as i was always very old fashioned in a relationship it being only between 2 people and things like that. my friend ives with his ex. but we have started a sexual relationship (she is unaware at the moment) but i want more. and would be very happy having a full relationship with him. and her doing the same. and me and her spending time together as a coupe also(just without the sexual part) i really like her company and enjoy doing things with her like couples would. and we make a good team all 3 of us do. im just looking into how these things work for others so i can make the right choice for all of us. your reply was very informative. thank you i just need to work out how i woudl approach them both on this :)

Bluebird 04-13-2014 12:33 PM

I am the hinge in a vee between two guys - my husband and my boyfriend. They are friendly toward each other but have no sexual contact or romantic relationship. They are both straight. Sometimes they will go grocery shopping together, or work together to do a repair around the house. We will all sit on the couch and watch Cosmos, or go to dinner or lunch as a 3. Both of them are comfortable with me showing affection to the other. With my previous boyfriend, this was not the case - he specifically asked that he not witness any kisses between my husband and I.



Is your boyfriend wanting to date the two of you? If she is his ex, it must be for a reason. Unless those issues were resolved, there will be problems. Is she poly?

izziestars 04-13-2014 01:35 PM

63565856
 
Bluebird
i dont think she is if im honest. and i never thought i would be but to me the situation seems right for it.
he isnt my boyfriend unfortuantly even though at times we act that way.
i personally would want things kept seperate aswell. me and him, her and me, me and her(not sexually)
although would be happy to do things with all 3 of us togehter. she has already mentioned a sexual experience between all 3 of us.
its all very new and sightly confusing to me right now. i need to gage everyones reaction and see how they individually would want things to happen. then talk to them both about it.
i think he would be happy
there are issue there but they are being worked on and i am helping with that also. i just feel this could be the next stage in the relationship between all of us. i truely beleive if we respect to the upmost everyones wishes for how they want things to work.

i am debating finding someone else for me to be invoved in a vee (think this is the right termination) and seeing how things work first before aproaching either of them about the situation. and what i want.

Dagferi 04-13-2014 11:13 PM

Whos idea was it to start a poly relationship?

My husband's when I started thinking of leaving the marriage due to my wandering eye.

How does yours work (do you get different days, do things all together)?

I see Murf on 95% of his days off. Both their shifts suck. We do holidays (part of the day) together, kid events, and crisis situation.

I want to be in a relationship with my best friend and his ex. BUT I don't want to do anything sexually with her(I just love her company and affection) would this work?

Not is she is not interested.

have you been able to end a poly relationship and stay friends after?

No but I do not tend to keep exes in my life in general.

how does it work when children are involved?

Murf didn't meet the kids until we were together 6 months. He slowly became more and more involved in their lives. He just slid in like he has always been there. They go with me to his house if Butch is working to spend the weekend. They attend Murf's family events. We have a relatively boring normal family life.

Inyourendo 04-14-2014 01:26 PM

Whos idea was it to start a poly relationship? When nate and I met I was poly and told him its what I wanted in our relationship

How does yours work (do you get different days, do things all together)? Currently I spend sat. And Mon nights with sam. Nate dates but doesn't have a girlfriend other than a few fuck buddies he sees whenever he feels like

I want to be in a relationship with my best friend and his ex. BUT I don't want to do anything sexually with her(I just love her company and affection) would this work? Sure, its called friendship

have you been able to end a poly relationship and stay friends after? Sure

how does it work when children are involved? Works the same as any other relationship. Take time introducing children to others and be open about who they are to you


im sorry for all the questions but I want to gather as much information on other peoples experiences as possible so I can make an informed choice on what is best for us. thanks[/QUOTE]

Ariakas 04-14-2014 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by izziestars (Post 264566)
Whos idea was it to start a poly relationship?

.. came in stages.. we agreed to an open relationship in the bar we met at. We went home and enjoyed a 3 week "relationship" which continued after she went home 5500km away.

We "agreed" on poly because we both fell for the same girl we were sleeping with. Unfortunately our agreement with that girl was strictly sexual.. and luckily, she was smart enough to not get involved with us. She wanted monogamy, marriage and kids...

She just happened to like to fuck.. haha..

After falling for her, and then not able to be with her, we started exploring poly.. intitially as a unicorn hunting couple and then as individuals. We evolved in our own timeline and it worked really well. Its part of the reason I don't judge unicorn hunting couples.. it really is a good first step..

Quote:

How does yours work (do you get different days, do things all together)?
Like all things in life, there is absolutely no pattern, we figure things out day by day.. hour by hour..

If we can plan 2 weeks in advance, and can keep those plans, we are happy people..

Quote:

I want to be in a relationship with my best friend and his ex. BUT I don't want to do anything sexually with her(I just love her company and affection) would this work?
Sure.. but she has to want it to.. it kind of sounds like "friendship".. which of course is a type of relationship :)

Quote:

have you been able to end a poly relationship and stay friends after?
Do you stay friends with your ex's?.. this is an individual question. I am virtual incapable or remaining friends with ex's.. just isn't in my makeup and not something I care to fix.

I have been able to step away for a long period and come back around as friends. But I needed that space.

Quote:

how does it work when children are involved?
How does any relationship work when kids are there. Life and priorities get scheduled are the needs of the dependants. You take the time you can when you can, where you can..

Ideally.. everyone likes kids, so a day at the park with kids is like a date to a drive in movie where fun sexual activity occurs. You have to make do..

Quote:

im sorry for all the questions but I want to gather as much information on other peoples experiences as possible so I can make an informed choice on what is best for us. thanks
Questions are good, but all of these are better suited to ask yourself. How do most of these situations work for you now.. and they will likely continue even in poly...


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