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-   -   New to poly, meeting his wife tonight! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69617)

rottendaughter 04-12-2014 10:49 PM

New to poly, meeting his wife tonight!
 
Hello! I've recently started dating a poly guy, I have no issues at all with the lifestyle. Taking to it quite naturally actually. Tonight I am meeting his wife for the first time! Very nervous and a little excited! She does have veto rights, and that worries me. Not that I think she will use them. I figure he wouldn't allow us to get this far I he felt she wouldn't like me.
Any advice??

nycindie 04-12-2014 11:03 PM

No advice here, since I will absolutely not date anyone who allows a partner to veto another, but just wanted to wish you luck.

Oh, and maybe I do have some advice... be yourself. Don't try to impress - if you're nervous, it's okay to say so. And let them do most of the talking. This is a good opportunity for you to observe how they relate and interact with each other, and hopefully you will gain some insight into how he handles his relationships with women, especially one whom he is letting call the shots for a relationship she isn't in.

Openbiman 04-12-2014 11:18 PM

No informed advice to offer, as I'm sort of on the other side of your exact situation right now: my wife will be meeting my most-significant outside partner next week, if plans come off. So I'm sort of able to channel what she's said she hopes for out of that meeting to you:

She definitely doesn't want to feel she's "competing" with him right there over dinner, so any overtly flirty stuff from him would spark her the wrong way.

She does want to get to know him, a bit, without me being an overly-active mediator, so I've promised to try to let their conversation take its natural course without attempting to be a go-between. I think for you that translates to: try to talk to her as directly as possible, not talk to her through him.

She'll appreciate any PDA between me and him being kept to a publically-appropriate minimum, e.g. a strong hug at greeting and parting.

She did say to me with a smile, "You're sitting on the same side of the table as I am, and he'll be across from us." :-)

Good luck--I think just being yourself and signaling to her that you're not a threat to their relationship are the key objectives. Have fun!

nycindie 04-12-2014 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Openbiman (Post 264535)
She did say to me with a smile, "You're sitting on the same side of the table as I am, and he'll be across from us."

I recommend a round table so there is no power imbalance!

rottendaughter 04-13-2014 03:18 AM

Back now. I really couldn't read her. At times we seemed to be doing very well, then others seemed like she could care less. It ended very abruptly, her saying "I'll let you two say good bye" then walking off. I had to yell "nice meeting you!" To her back as she walked away. I didn't get to say thanks either.
On top of that he wasnt able to get a read on her either! I asked him how he thought it went and he said he didn't know. His lack of confidence scares me.
So now I'm home, more nervous now than I was before.
I don't agree with the veto right either, but I respect their agreement to have it. All I want is the chance for us to keep developing naturally as we have been doing.

nycindie 04-13-2014 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rottendaughter (Post 264544)
I don't agree with the veto right either, but I respect their agreement to have it. All I want is the chance for us to keep developing naturally as we have been doing.

But a relationship can't develop naturally with a veto hanging over it.

Well, anyway, it sounds like it was perhaps very awkward for all of you. I hope things go well.

rottendaughter 04-13-2014 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 264545)
But a relationship can't develop naturally with a veto hanging over it.

I can see that. How can you let yourself really completely fall for someone if you know at any moment an outside party can just cut it off?
Up until tonight it hasn't been discussed really. She's known about me since day one. Shouldn't she have vetoed then? Before we both developed actual feelings? Seems like If you're going to have veto power, that would be the humane thing to do. If she says no now, she hurts us both.

nycindie 04-13-2014 04:00 AM

In your first post, you said you started dating him only recently. How long has it been?

rottendaughter 04-13-2014 04:07 AM

3 months

ImaginaryIllusion 04-13-2014 04:40 PM

Keep in mind that she's not the only one with a veto. You have one as well over your own relationship with him, and whether you want to be part of it. If you don't like having the sword of Damocles hanging over you, then there is the option to move away from the situation.

It may be worth discussing what if any thought they've given to their veto arrangement, including whether they have a sunset clause, where after a certain amount of time in a given relationship, the veto is no longer a viable solution. It may not assist much with your current situation, or this partner in the short term, but it'll be a handy clarification to make should you find yourself in similar situations in the future.


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