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-   -   Can this work? Sane cycles (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69515)

base2 04-04-2014 02:18 PM

Can this work? Sane cycles

I just need I little advice about our threesome.

Here is a super brief history
  • my wife is a 9 I am a 6
  • 13 years ago my wife started an online relationship with another guy
  • This guy is a 7 hour flight away from us
  • I found out about this guy 4 years ago
  • my wife confessed that she is in love with him and has attempted to visit him a couple of times
  • This guy is twice as "big" as me
  • After a few discussions I agreed to let him visit him twice a year, they have been meeting ever since.

So far so kinda good, we all just met up she stayed with him for 8 days and I stayed for 4 and we have amazing threesomes and it felt natural and we all felt respected and loved. It was a very comfortable experience and her guy and I actually found out we get along very well.

It would almost be a perfect scenario except my wife has a really some really bad cycles with this guy. Leading up to their meeting the two of them sext like crazy and she get so hot and horny and we have a good time. Then she spends a week with him serviceing his every desire. Then they both go home and she expects the same attention from him but he pulls away from her, she becomes desperate and depressed, then she withdraws from everything including me and our family.

I have tried talking to her, it makes no difference she is so obsessed with him, she becomes jealous and suspicious. She refuses to talk to anyone because she is worried that they will tell her she can not see him anymore.

In the meantime our relationship pays the price, nothing can cure her until he comes back to her.

We are so close to having something perfect, but I can not go through this cycle many times more. What should I do? Any advice please

opalescent 04-04-2014 03:24 PM

You're a 6 and she's a 9? Huh?

Your wife sounds deep in the throes of New Relationship Energy (NRE). She's known this guy a while but actual in person sex is new. NRE can make one make dumb decisions. Search for NRE here - there a lot of threads about it.

And then bring it to her attention again.

Tell her what is happening from your point of view. Do so when you can be calm and collected. This is not the time to blame - that's counter productive and will just cause her to continue to be defensive. Tell her how this affects you - give specific examples - in a non-blaming, 'I feel' statements. Ask her to work with you to find ways to 'even' her out. Make it clear that you are fine with this arrangement and are not seeking a way to end her seeing him. And gently but firmly tell her how this is negatively impacting yoru relationship. If it is impacting other family members (do you have children?), describe that too. Make it clear you do not want to leave, and do not want to end her other relationship - but you need her help to cope with these changes.

It might take a while before she can confront this in herself. Patience and care will likely serve you well.

Has she cycled like this the entire 4 years they've been meeting? If this has been going on that long, there may be something more wrong than just ramped up NRE (long distance can extend how long NRE lasts - the usual estimate is 6 months to 2 years). That shades into obsession and some more concerning possibly mental concerns.

PolyinPractice 04-04-2014 09:24 PM

Ok, here's what I'm getting, please correct me if I'm wrong:

She cheated on you for several years. You found out about it four years ago. Instead of calling it quits, you worked together...and she introduced you to the guy and you had some threesomes.

However, except for the week before he arrives, she is very depressed/anxious/etc.

If I were you, I'd say, either be happy with him and with me, or you can move on to be with him.

Don't put up with being her bitch when he's not in town.

nycindie 04-04-2014 11:55 PM

And this is about polyamory... how?

ffcep2 04-05-2014 12:37 AM

I am sure your not a six. Take a little time to find your beauty. You can't be a friend to someone until you are a friend to yourself and you can't love someone until you love yourself. I know that is not what you were looking for but, I kinda went through the same thing with mine and my wives last relationship. We were together for 2 years and she started enjoying the new energy when he moved in with us. I found myself "allowing" it to happen because she was so in love. The reality I just didn't think I was good enough. When my confidence came back after talking with them it was then perfect. So advice look at yourself as a beautiful, wanted, and loving man. Learn to love yourself!!!

PS I'm a big buy too but, that makes me beautiful.

vanquish 04-05-2014 01:16 AM

First, let me say I feel for you and hope things get better. With that, my take is....


my wife is a 9 I am a 6.

Stop. Stop right here. Sorry. I can't go any further than this. To me, this illustrates severe self-appreciation issues. You may think that her beauty is a reality that you're simply stating to help explain, but as I read it, the desparity in hotness is obviously a power dynamic that is key to the entire thing. How can you speak up for what you need if you don't feel like you have the power -in this case attractiveness -to do it? (The coincidental thing is, your wife is in the low-power position with this other guy that you are with her.)

How ever beautiful she might be physically, with people fainting at her feet wherever you go, you're just as valuable and important as she is. This might sound like bragging, but since you brought up the issue, I happen to be dating a model who has gotten a great deal of attention and widely distributed work. I only bring it up to relate that whether your wife is a 2 or a 10, you can't neglect your own needs because you put her on a pedestal. You could find someone just as attractive again if you tried, meaning you have just as much power to get what you want and bargain as she does. Period.

Maybe I'm just way off track and there's no issue there, but you owe it to yourself to at least consider it.


This guy is twice as "big" as me

I won't say this is a non-issue, but again, you're including that bit of data because you think it's important. Has she complained about sex or your size before? Surely she wouldn't have married you if you didn't rock her world and she surely wouldn't have stayed silent this long if you weren't delivering either. (yes, sometimes all of us suffer in silence in many areas of our relationships, but as you've said that you have periods of perfection, I'd assume she'd talk those issues out with you then.)

Are big penises a novelty for some women? Sure. But if you're within the vast group of men and you've taken the time to listen and recognize how to pleasure her the way she likes it, physically, mentally, and emotionally, the penis thing is probably not a a contributing factor at all. Worrying about this despite a great sex life in the past, points back to self-esteem issues to me.

I could say that forgiving her for her infidelity, giving in to being poly, and suffering through years of bad cycles all point to self-esteem issues. But I won't. Perhaps you really did find forgiveness in your heart. Perhaps you entered into polyamory after deliberation and recognition of the needs of your partner. Perhaps you've stayed with her through the good and the bad because you are truly, truly devoted. Who am I to doubt any of that? But you need to ask yourself these questions. Honestly.

Ultimately, I really like what opal had to say about towing the line: not threatening her ability to be poly, but still speaking up about how her NRE (or obsession) is having a detrimental effect. Like PolyInPractice said, don't just accept your mistreatment. Say your peace, hang back see if she listens and responds. If she's not listening to you, of course a counselor might be more authoritative.

Best of luck.

ffcep2 04-05-2014 01:56 AM

Nice play Vanquish. I agree.:D

LovingRadiance 04-05-2014 02:08 AM

I happen to think Opal and Vanquish gave great advice.

FYI-in terms of size; my boyfriend and husband are vastly different in length and girth. While both are enjoyable; neither is preferable. Different activities work best with different sizes.
It really is as frustrating to hear men worrying over the length of their c**** as it is to hear women worrying over the size of their br****. Seriously.

ffcep2 04-05-2014 02:17 AM

I am so sorry I thought he was talking about him being big not his c***. That should not be an issue, and I do agree with you. Sorry if I offended anyone because that should never be an issue.:o

nycindie 04-05-2014 02:22 AM

Folks, we can say "cock" here. And tits, pussy, etc.

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