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-   -   How to get over the "jealousy" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69490)

Momof4 04-02-2014 02:06 PM

How to get over the "jealousy"
 
I'm pretty new to the lifestyle. If you've seen my introduction post, you know that I just recently agreed to the "open marriage" idea and have allowed my husband to get a girlfriend. I'm still sorting through feelings, and seeing where I fit in this whole situation.

Yesterday while out shopping for bras for me (which I consider a pretty intimate thing) he was texting her the whole time. Hey whatever, we get home and he and I are in the bedroom talking and we start getting intimate. I start giving him a blowjob and in the middle of it our kids (we have 4) start banging on our door and yelling for us. We obviously stop, and I go and deal with the kids. I admit I was giving him a little bit of an attitude and he asked what was wrong. I said "I bet that doesn't happen over there" and he says "no it sure doesn't" (She doesn't have any kids).

I mean obviously this isn't the first time we've been "interrupted", and that is par for the course with kids (especially with 4, and one of them young enough to still wake at night).

While at our son's sports practice last night (he's a coach) I see him on his phone and I know he's texting her.

He asked me if I was jealous, and I told him "no that it's just typical that we get interrupted, but I'm fine."

He has told me he plans on being with her tonight after our son's sport game and he's going to leave straight from the game and be home really late. He's told me the interruption doesn't bother him, and that we'll finish another time. But in the mean time he's with her not having the kids around.

I know the relationship is still "new", so they're in the goo goo gah gah stage, but how do I get over this jealousy I'm feeling about him texting her while he's with his family and the fact that she can be intimate with him whenever she wants, however she wants.

*sigh* I'm trying....I really am!

YouAreHere 04-02-2014 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Momof4 (Post 263707)
He asked me if I was jealous, and I told him "no that it's just typical that we get interrupted, but I'm fine."

[...]
how do I get over this jealousy I'm feeling about him texting her while he's with his family and the fact that she can be intimate with him whenever she wants, however she wants.

Tell him the truth when he asks you. I know it's not always the best time to have that discussion, but admit that yes, you're feeling hurt, jealous, envious, whatever, and then talk about it. Right now, he's asking - he seems to be trying - and you're telling him 'no'.

I was envious as hell of Chops and Xena's relationship while he was unemployed for a time... I was working long hours of OT, my kids weren't yet at the point where they'd have been comfortable with him staying at the house on the weekend, and I was seeing all sorts of hikes, bicycle rides, etc. plastered all over Facebook because they had time together. I talked about it. We had some hairy conversations, but we talked.

Don't make him ferret out what you're really thinking by giving him attitude, and don't expect him to read minds. Be honest, even if you're feeling miserable. Then you have a shot in hell of addressing the problem and not skirting around it.

Inyourendo 04-02-2014 03:31 PM

Sounds like you guys need to have some boundaries as to when it's appropriate to be texting others. A "protected" time if you will. Texting during family time or when you guys are doing couple things isn't appropriate imo. When I know nate and I are doing things ill text Sam to let him know it's ok to text me but I will be mia for awhile so not to expect responses. It makes nate feel better to know my time with him is with him.

Marcus 04-02-2014 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YouAreHere (Post 263710)
Tell him the truth when he asks you. I know it's not always the best time to have that discussion, but admit that yes, you're feeling hurt, jealous, envious, whatever, and then talk about it. Right now, he's asking - he seems to be trying - and you're telling him 'no'.

I agree, this is the thing that jumped out at me as well.

Adding to this, don't wait for him to prompt you if you're having jealousy issues either. One of the things about jealousy is that it is based purely in fear of the unknown, so when you feel this jealousy it is in your best interest to treat it as if it is just an emotion and nothing more. Bring it up, be honest about what it feels like, and treat it like a thing you are learning to work through. There's nothing dark and mysterious about it unless we keep it a secret and let it eat at us.

Also, and I think most importantly, when discussing jealousy make sure you are approaching it from the point of view that you are the one responsible for it. While that fear of the unknown is usually prompted by some environmental trigger, the emotion itself can only be dealt with by the person experiencing it. When I have experience jealousy in the past I was always a little embarrassed about it and brought it up honestly, "I feel a little silly, but I've got some jealousy stuff going on". Her response was to inquire what prompted it, we discussed it, did a little mystery investigation about where the feeling is probably coming from, hugged, and I felt a billion times better.

Granted, her communication skills and emotional awareness were pretty advanced, but I think it's attainable for just about anyone.

nycindie 04-02-2014 03:34 PM

It isn't unreasonable to ask that he be present with his focus on you and family when he's home or with you at family events. Many people have an agreement not to text their other partners or lovers when together.

vanquish 04-02-2014 04:00 PM

I can relate about the texting. When M (much younger) and I first started really spending time together, the texting seemed to be a complete interruption of our special time. I even found out that she'd been taking selfies to send to her suitors and texting one of the more serious ones some emotional stuff. While we were cuddled up on the couch together! It seemed like a betrayal...at first. It was a huge bone of contention for us for at least 3 of the 8 months we've been dating.

I had to realize a few things: (one or more, but not all may apply to you)

1. I can't monopolize her time ALL the time. Even expecting to control 51% of her time is coercive and controlling. Your situation is different as y'all are married with children, but still when entering into a poly relationship, part of the growing pains are going to be about what used to be your time becoming someone else's time. You're very perceptive to realize that they are in the NRE/honeymoon period and that will take some adjusting to, certainly.

2. Think of who he's texting like a a friend, not a rival. Easier said than done when you know exactly who it is of course. Realize that the person you love should be able to talk and text and interact with their romantic interest as much as any other friend or even a bit more. Even as much as you, if their relationship is going that way and you're working at being fully poly. If it was his best male friend, (assuming he's not a romantic interest) would you be cool with it?

Obviously, if your needs aren't being met, you need to voice that. And if you feel the time and place are inappropriate, have a discussion that sets out your feelings about what's right and wrong, from your perspective. His may be different. You'll have to decide if you can accept what he's willing to agree to on the matter or if you can't. Same for him. Hopefully you can come to a mutually agreed upon understanding about what works for you and what doesn't.

3. Be more independent. When I realized that I couldn't and shouldn't change M's behavior, and we'd had a talk about appropriateness, I also realized that if I was waiting around on her to be my entertainment or if I was preoccupied with what she was doing more than doing my own thing, I needed to do something that was moving me forward.

I was married for 14 years and I know that when you've been joined at the hip with someone for a long period of time, especially where the focus was on being each other's biggest cheerleader, friend, confidant, etc., it's going to be strange to suddenly have a LOT more alone time (though you have kids, but you know what I mean) to suddenly do your own thing. I had to reevaluate what even was my own thing.

You'll work this all out in time. Use the time productively.

opalescent 04-02-2014 05:05 PM

If you haven't already, OP, search for threads here on New Relationship Energy (NRE). Your husband is deep in the throes of it, it can make one act stupidly. Being aware of NRE and its impact on yourself, your husband and your metamour can really help frame what is going on.

Dagferi 04-02-2014 06:23 PM

Stop being passive aggressive and tell him the truth.

There is nothing wrong with saying exactly what you want.

I try to not have texting marathons with Murf when it is couple or family time. But on the other hand Butch knows I only get small windows in the day to talk with him due to his job. Murf works 6pm to 6 am and can not text from work other than on his breaks. During the day he is sleeping. I get to talk to him a bit for a half hour to hour period from 4-5pm before he heads into work. For 15 minutes at 9pm on his first 15 minute break. And between bites when he eats dinner at midnight til 12:30am and I am sleeping at 3 am on his final break..

SouthernGal 04-02-2014 08:04 PM

First, remember that it's okay to feel jealous or envious. It's natural. Next, be honest with your hubby. Anticipating sexy time then having it given to someone else can be hurtful. I would advise finding a calm way to tell your husband that 1) you are envious that they can have sexy moments without interruption, 2) you would like time where you don't have to worry about interruption, and 3) when you do get interrupted and expect time with him that you would appreciate it if he didn't make other plans. It is okay to ask him to limit texting to anyone during family time, not just her. You will have ups and downs. You realky want to try to look at each trigger to determine why it bothers you. Is it just trying to adjust to sharing, or are some needs not being met? Which needs? Are they things you can take care of yourself, or needs hubby needs to help you meet? Questioning yourself is good. But when your husband asks if you are okay, be honest with him. It will never work if you hide instead. Good luck!

PolyinPractice 04-02-2014 08:58 PM

Whenever she wants, however she wants?

As someone in her position, or at least dating a guy with kids, I definitely get interrupted by the kids. Whether we're out, and something happens to one of the kids, so he gets called home early. Or if I'm at his place, and the kids are around (we've more or less given up on trying anything while they're home, though). Also, if I couldn't text him while he was with family, I would be severely limited in my time with him. He's on his phone, anyway, might as well be with me :)

Kids puts restrictions on ALL parties involved with the family, pre-established or becoming established.


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