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-   -   New Here, and saying Hi (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69479)

Momof4 03-31-2014 02:24 PM

New Here, and saying Hi
Hi Everyone,

I just found this forum and I am hoping it's kinda what I'm looking for. My husband and I have been married 13 years this June. We have 4 boys that range in age from 11-3. My husband has always had an EXTREMELY high sex drive and pretty much wants sex every day. I'm just not like that, and with the kids, and the typical housewife stuff, plus I'm also in nursing school, I just don't have the time (or energy!) to fullfill the sex life he desires. A while back I found out he had been on the internet looking for other sex partners. He had told me at that time that he was simply "looking into" the open relationship lifestyle and that he hadn't do anything with anyone. I was hurt. I was beyond hurt. It took a while, but we eventually started talking about the open relationship lifestyle again. I realize it is something he really wants to do and we've talked about it for a while. I ultimately agreed to allow him to have "3-4" women who would be "friends with benefits" that he could be with. I've told him I am not interested in finding someone else, and we did set a few rules which were very simple (must use protection, I don't want him wearing his wedding band while with them, etc)

Last night the one girl he has been talking to called him because her boyfriend's car was stuck in the mud. He went to pull his car out of the mud and ended up going into her house. He started texting me say "She's teasing me" and when I asked how he told me "with her ass and tits" and then told me "I really wanna screw her." I got the kids dinner and put them to bed. He was gone 3 hours and when he got home he sat down on the couch and told me everything they did. I didn't really say much besides "Ok" and kinda shrugged.

There is ONE thing he said that bothered me. He said the sex with her was about him, and when he's with me it's about me. I told him that bothered me because it makes it seem like he isn't happy when it's us. He said that wasn't it and that it was just different and it was about what he wanted. He also told me she would bend over or whatever and ask if he thought I'd like a picture of that. I find that so rude, but whatever.

Anyways, my question is how do I get over the feeling of me not being "enough"? He says it isn't about me, but how do I know that? I truly am ok with him wanting this, but feel like I just need a place to express my feelings without him thinking I'm flipping out and changing my mind. I guess now it's just more "real" and I'm trying to work through my feelings.

Thanks for listening and any advice is appreciated!

Natja 03-31-2014 04:02 PM

Why does he think you would want a picture of this strangers lady bits?

That seems really odd to me.

Momof4 03-31-2014 04:09 PM


Originally Posted by Natja (Post 263556)
Why does he think you would want a picture of this strangers lady bits?

That seems really odd to me.

It was her that asked him if he thought I'd like a picture of her bent over in front of him. She also texted me and said "(my name) I'm talking to (his name) do you want to HEAR us?"

She's been in the swinging lifestyle for a long time, and he says she's like that because of it, but to me it's just rude and throwing it in my face. Maybe it's normal though?! I dunno.

Natja 03-31-2014 04:40 PM

Aaah right. Well that is because some people are voyeuristic I suppose and maybe they would like that.

However, you know there is no "normal" you don't have to put up with it because you think it is normal, you don't have to put up with anything you are not comfortable with.

You just have to reply that you don't think that is appropriate and you would rather not know what they are doing sexually as long as it is safe sane and consensual,

You can also tell your husband that you would rather him not elaborate either.

There is no normal, the boundaries around your relationship is what you all discuss and decide together.

Momof4 03-31-2014 05:32 PM

Thank you :)

kdt26417 03-31-2014 06:36 PM

Greetings Momof4,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

What Natja said, just say, "Sorry, not my cup of tea;" it's already quite generous of you to let your husband be with these other women. As for feeling like you're "not enough," I always recommend the book, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It explains that humans have a natural tendency to fall in love (or at least want sex) with (possibly many) multiple other people. It doesn't matter whether someone is "enough;" the partner simply has a wandering eye and that is a part of human nature.

It sounds like you and your husband have figured out a way of doing things that works for you, so that is good news. I think you are wise to get involved with Polyamory.com because you will find a lot of collective experience and wisdom here.

Enjoy your stay with us.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Momof4 04-01-2014 11:28 AM

Thanks Kevin! I'll grab that book :)

kdt26417 04-01-2014 05:00 PM


JaneQSmythe 04-10-2014 04:13 AM

With regards to the sharing of sexual details - I've participated in a several conversations about this is a variety of settings.

Some people want to hear all the juicy details - they may assume everyone else would.

Some people want to SHARE all the juicy details - and may assume that others do to.

For myself, in general, I DON'T want to know the "intimate" details, and I don't voluntarily share them unless asked specifically (and then only if the other person involved is "okay" with the sharing of them).

I have found, however, that my tolerance for detail is dependent on the circumstances and the person involved. When Dude had a sexual encounter with someone that I wasn't close to and didn't find attractive in any way - I only wanted to know the parts that were "important" in my mind. (Which would be if a relationship was "progressing" to a new level and that testing/safer sex had been discussed.)

I am able to tolerate more details when they involve people that I care about, that I know care about me, and that I find sexy as well. I don't need to know the details, but it doesn't upset me if they come up.

We've had a lot of discussions amongst us about the difference between "privacy" and "secrecy" and what each person is willing to share (and have shared).

My advice - have a detailed discussion with your husband about the information that you DO and DO NOT want disclosed. You are perfectly within your rights to ask him not to repeat "suggestive remarks" that his other girls make to you. (You can't tell them not to say them, of course, but there is no reason that he has to repeat them to you.)

Note: some may interpret this as me suggestion some sort of DADT - which is not the case. More - "Tell only when asked." and "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to." Knowing everyone's comfort levels ahead of time can save a lot of discomfort. A specific example - I do NOT want to hear about/witness anal sex/anal play. Whether or not Dude and Lotus (or Lotus and MrS for that matter) engage in this when they are together without me is completely up to them (and is covered in our safer sex agreements) but I don't ever need to know whether or not they do/have. Other things are "Tell if you want to but you don't have to and I don't need details." - so, I assume that, when they are together they have sex or not as they see fit. I don't need to hear about it each time it happens unless it is relevant to the conversation (say a funny story about what her husband said when he wandered in because he forgot they were using the bedroom) or something has happened that affects the rest of us (say a condom broke for instance).

PolyinPractice 04-10-2014 09:16 PM

Since you're going about this more open/swinging, than poly, my guess is, yeah, she's used to sharing sexual details (open and swinging relationships tend to be about the sex).

Curious if it being just a sex thing bothers you, why do you insist he take off the wedding ring with her?

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