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-   -   Becoming a triad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69448)

LovelyLove 03-28-2014 09:32 PM

Becoming a triad
 
I'm in a happy, stable relationship with my husband of 10 years. We have two little girls aged 3 and 6.

I'm poly, he's not. I initiated opening up the relationship, he was fine with that. I fell in love. He gave me free reigns. That was two-three years ago, nothing came from that (the guy was not interested). Except from the fact that we grew stronger and I became more sure I'm poly and my husband became more secure that this doesn't threaten the 'us' aspect.

So I've been seeing a man for a while now. I have fallen in love with him.

Anyway. All specifics aside, if things were to develop to a triad with me as a hinge where we all live together, then HOW do we explain that to our families? I mean my mother-in-law would not appreciate this one bit. Or mother-in-laws... (God,TWO of them... :D) How do you change from your regular nuclear family who never saw this coming, to a whole new layout of family? Say I'd like children with the 'new guy' (poor guy, how would he ever shed that tag?!)... Has anyone done it?

Marcus 03-28-2014 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovelyLove (Post 263317)
I'm in a happy, stable relationship with my husband of 10 years... I'm poly, he's not... I've been seeing a man for a while now. I have fallen in love with him... if things were to develop to a triad with me as a hinge where we all live together

You are talking about a "V" configuration, with your two lovers as the ends and you as the hinge. A "triad" is traditionally when all three of the people involved are romantically involved with each other to some degree or another.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovelyLove (Post 263317)
then HOW do we explain that to our families? I mean my mother-in-law would not appreciate this one bit. Or mother-in-laws... (God,TWO of them... :D) How do you change from your regular nuclear family who never saw this coming, to a whole new layout of family? Say I'd like children with the 'new guy' (poor guy, how would he ever shed that tag?!)... Has anyone done it?

The "new guy" tag is only a problem if the new guy feels that it is and lets it bother him. People will have their opinions and categorize people however they wish; living in a monogamous society means that many people will feel the need to see one of your partners as the real relationship and the other as the convenient toy. It's up to him to decide how he lets it affect him (or not).

Family and friends are going to react according to how it is presented to them and how attached they are to their own belief systems. There are numerous threads on "coming out" so you might browse some of them. There is actually one right below this thread on the main page, I believe.

PolyinPractice 03-29-2014 02:42 AM

Poor guy? Why are you pitying him? He gets to be with a lovely lady and NOT deal with all her emotional issues (he has another guy to help him take care of that). Could be an utter win-win for him.

Marcus 03-29-2014 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 263337)
He gets to be with a lovely lady and NOT deal with all her emotional issues (he has another guy to help him take care of that). Could be an utter win-win for him.

Dayumn! I can't decide if I think that is sexist or hilariously sexist. I'm going to ponder until I decide :D

PolyinPractice 03-29-2014 02:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 263338)
Dayumn! I can't decide if I think that is sexist or hilariously sexist. I'm going to ponder until I decide :D

Hehe. You can reverse the genders if you like. Men totally have emotional issues ;)

nycindie 03-29-2014 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovelyLove (Post 263317)
Say I'd like children with the 'new guy' (poor guy, how would he ever shed that tag?!)... Has anyone done it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 263337)
Poor guy? Why are you pitying him?

Err... she meant "poor guy" if he will always be referred to as "the new guy."

Anyway...

OP, it all depends on how "out" each of you wants to be. This is something that all three of you should sit down and discuss together, as all three of you have relatives and friends and particular needs as to who can know the nature of your relationships and how much. One or more of you may have a job that requires utmost secrecy, for example.

There are people here who have first introduced another partner who moved in with them simply as a friend. Other people have done well by having a part of their home renovated into a separate apartment for the other partner and just presenting him as a renter. My own great-grandparents rented a room to a "boarder" - wink, wink - and I later learned it was my ggm's boyfriend. Then, over time, as the families began to get to know the person, and from observations of their interactions, they either catch on or ask outright what is going on. From stories I've seen here, it does seem to be the gentler and easier to digest approach, rather than moving New Guy in and introducing him as a lover or boyfriend.

If you're going to pop out any babies fathered by New Guy, well, there are many other considerations, and probably legal ones. LovingRadiance can tell you a bit about her experience.

I do have a question. You say you've been dating him "for a while." How long is that? How well have you gotten to know him and his friends and family? Are you part of his social circle? Does your husband know him, get along with him? Have you discussed having children with both of them? These are all important factors when you want to have a lover move in with you and a spouse, beside how chores and finances will be divvied up. Everyone all living together is not a requirement of poly, either, but it's usually recommended to wait at least a year before living together.

PolyinPractice 03-29-2014 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 263382)
Err... she meant "poor guy" if he will always be referred to as "the new guy."

He doesn't have to be. She doesn't have to treat him as such. When I entered an established relationship, I felt like the "new gal." And now I don't, simply because he doesn't treat me that way. He treats me like he and I have known each other forever.

nycindie 03-29-2014 04:05 PM

Really, I think she stated that with a sense of humor, as a lighthearted way to express her excitement with a new situation in her life.

PolyinPractice 03-29-2014 07:52 PM

Sorry, OP, you were trying to be funny? I'm bad at reading humor. ..

LovelyLove 03-29-2014 09:13 PM

Been trying to reply a few times. Not making it work.

Yeah, that was meant in a light hearted way...

Thank you for your thoughts. At this stage this is all just ideas on how this COULD work if we looked at it from a less conventional viewpoint. I just don't want to close doors that don't necessarily have to be closed just because of societal expectations. So these are explorations in my head still, finding out which questions could be beneficial to ask, which posible issues to explore... So thanks :)


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