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-   -   New to this site (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69440)

Seasha 03-26-2014 10:26 PM

New to this site
 
Hi....

I am new to the site. It was recommend to me by a friend who participates in Beyond the Love events.ship.

For many years I have been involved in 2 open relationships that were not what I consider a 100% poly relationship. Recently I met a new person who is involved in a long term poly relationship and he has shown interest in spending more time together.

With that being said, any advice for a semi newbie would be appreciated.

I have several views on what makes an open relationship successful, but the last guy I was involved with argues a lot of those thoughts. I am trying to determine if it is that I am looking at things wrong or if he was just trying to guide things in a direction that was more convenient for his needs.

I feel this is something I need to explore more before I get involved in a new dynamic.

Thanks and I look forward to chatting :)

WhatToDo 03-26-2014 10:47 PM

Well what are you views on what makes an open relationship successful? And what are his?

Seasha 03-27-2014 12:36 AM

Me...I feel you need an open line of communication and the respect to be honest regarding the situation based on both parties needs. I can deal with a lot of bullshit as long as I know what that bullshit is.

I always have known he has very deep feelings for me, but he has always seen other people and I even kinda understand his need for doing so. However, all I ask is be forthcoming. If I call and ask if you want to do something say no...I have a date, not I am going out with the guys or I am working. I almost always ended up finding out and that was more hurtful than the truth would have been. He felt that telling me was holding him accountable and if we were free to be open he didn't have to tell me, but yet he wanted honesty from me.

While I see his side of it to a degree, all it did for me was say...Wow, if you are lying about the little stuff that you don't have to hide, what important stuff is he also lying about?

Every relationship is different and should be defined by the people involved. If your partner is an ostrich and doesn't want to know what you are up to...fine. However, if you are with someone that asks for honesty, not even details, just honesty...what is wrong with that? I never got mad about him doing his thing, it was the lies of omission that I didn't like.

Before starting this new adventure with an established poly couple, I just want to make sure where I stand on things will not be destructive to their dynamic, so I have been looking into the poly lifestyle prior to starting anything or even opening up conversations with the new guy.

So....am I way off base or leading down a productive mind set to get involved with a poly couple? I have been involved with the music scene for many years, so our outlook on things has always been more open and free spirited, but I realize even with the 2 open involvements I had, neither one was truly poly.

Snic85 03-28-2014 09:51 PM

You sound a lot like me! I think open communication is the most important thing. In my first relationship my ex lied about dating other girls and lied to my face when I confronted him about it. The lying was more hurtful than anything! I can handle any jealousy I may have had, but not the lies. I find it very disrespectful.
I'm new as well, so I'm still figuring things out as we go.

Ariakas 03-29-2014 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seasha (Post 263158)
Hi....

I am new to the site. It was recommend to me by a friend who participates in Beyond the Love events.ship.

For many years I have been involved in 2 open relationships that were not what I consider a 100% poly relationship. Recently I met a new person who is involved in a long term poly relationship and he has shown interest in spending more time together.

With that being said, any advice for a semi newbie would be appreciated.

I have several views on what makes an open relationship successful, but the last guy I was involved with argues a lot of those thoughts. I am trying to determine if it is that I am looking at things wrong or if he was just trying to guide things in a direction that was more convenient for his needs.

I feel this is something I need to explore more before I get involved in a new dynamic.

Thanks and I look forward to chatting :)

Welcome to the forum. I was in open relationships before they transitioned into poly specific ones. Regardless of what anyone argues with you about, your opinion on what makes it successful is your own. If someone disagrees it likely means they don't fit your needs for a relationship anyways.

Moving from being open to poly was tough. Really tough for me. Having sex with multiple partners was easy. Once I fell in love with one of them, I had about 6 months of turmoil to figure it out. The whole free love concept didn't sit well with me..

Thats just my experience.. :).. welcome to poly. Hopefully you find some of the info you need

london 03-30-2014 06:59 AM

Some people, even those with experience, fall into mono normative traps. It can be tempting to try and avoid mentioning other relationships in order to not feel as if you're rubbing it in their face all the time. The thing is this actually helps form some sort of relationship with noobs, it's just that it doesn't work over the long term.

Maleficent 04-02-2014 02:25 AM

For me, honesty is the biggest component. I don't need to see anyone's day planner or read your texts or get a detailed play by play of your dates. But if I ask you a question answer me honestly. Trust does not equal full disclosure.

vanquish 04-03-2014 02:33 PM

First, I should say I don't know if either one of you is "right" or "wrong", just different.

That said, personally, I do a lot better when I know what's going on with my partner than I do with uncertainty. Like Maleficent said, I'm not going to ruin our relationship by micro-managing every moment, but I would like honesty and a bit of prior knowledge even helps. Where is the line between casually talking about what he's doing and micro-managing? Only the two of you can decide that. I was going to type "You don't need to know exactly what he's doing if he doesn't want to tell you." After reading it back, I do agree with that in part, but if you build up a situation where he doesn't want to tell you what he's doing most of the time, I'd find that to be a problem.

My partner and I have agreed telling each other generally what we're doing is a good middle point we can compromise at. She'd like a little less info and I'm for 100% openness, but we're working together on it. For safety reasons, I like to know generally where she's meeting her date and if they change locations, but that can get a bit police state in a hurry. I trust her and will dial back my patriarchal instincts before they injure the relationship.

Also, don't assume that privacy is the same as hiding or lying. During my 14-year marriage my wife never understood that there had to be some privacy for the sake of my sanity...and we ended up getting a divorce. I wasn't lying or hiding when I wanted to keep a journal of my thoughts or wanted to spend time out and around the city alone doing absolutely nothing other than thinking and browsing stores and libraries.

Seasha 04-25-2014 06:27 PM

Thank to everyone for your input, it has been helpful! I am very flexible to creating your own rules within any relationship. It just got to a point that between this long term complication and a few people's comments I was beginning to believe I was being completely unreasonable. Like with any situation I feel that the truth and resolution always lies somewhere in the middle of the details.

I have spent a lot of time looking back on the open relationships I have had a realizing what worked and why. Also I have discovered what doesn't work...for me. I completely agree that there is no wright or wrong, just what works best for the individuals as an independent person and as part of the relationship.


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