And so, it begins.
Hi everyone. :p
I've been around for a while but decided to start a blog to help me better manage and process on my end of things in my poly/poly relationship, due to things shifting as of late.
Just for further clarity:
I have been with my S/O (male, pan) for almost 6 years; we're parents of a preschooler. We started off in a very unconventional manner and spoke of openness and exploration very early on. At the time neither of us knew anything about poly. We just knew that we both had the capacity to feel for others in ways that are generally frowned upon in public.
We were living together up until the beginning of this year, for reasons I won't get into. For right now there is a physical separation as we are residing in different countries. He lives on his own.
Lior, my S/O
Petra, his potential GF
About the catalyst for this blog:
For about 4 years Lior has been actively looking for a girlfriend. He hasn't had much luck. On the other side, I have been "closed". I haven't purposely sought out anyone and don't plan to until I reach a place in my life where it's even logistically possible.
Recently he connected in person with Petra, a woman he has been communicating with for a short while. Things moved very quickly and he let me know the day after that a sleepover occurred.
As for me...
So like it is for him, this is very new. Writing helps me a lot so I figured wrestling with my feelings is better in said form.
Concerns arose, some of which I feel should have been addressed before being informed of a sleepover. We've discussed as such and whenever things come up I said I would let him know.
I know I'm not alone in the gamut of emotions I'm working through atm. I have been perusing MoreThanTwo to get a better handle, so to speak. And it's definitely helped. I just want to keep things in perspective, and own my "stuff".
So here I'll be dumping "stuff". :)
Some of the emotional UGH that has arisen:
We haven't seen each other in almost 2 months. That will change soon, hopefully, but in the meantime being apart and hearing about intimacy with someone else from afar is UGH.
I'm not where I want to be socially or professionally. In that vein, I've been tasking myself with self-improvement exercises that I look forward to as both beneficial and somewhat of a pleasant distraction. Things can get pretty mundane and stressful so instead of leaving space in my mind to develop interest in details that are best left alone, I try to do (free) activities I enjoy. Details meaning stuff I'd rather Lior keep to himself.
Gridlocked is a word that would best describe my individual situation at this time. Hence not being as social as I'd like to be, or in my field as I'd like to be. My finances are pretty shit. I'm working on it though, from the inside out. Gridlock though? UGH.
I'm hoping I can continue to absorb and move through info without having some freak reaction. If a freak reaction does happen I won't be too hard on myself. Why not? This shit is hard man... as you all know.
During this process I'm trying to spread around the unloading around a bit. Writing, talking, reading. Lior is saying that he feels antagonized and on the verge of an anxiety attack.
IMHO I equate that to my processing not going according to his plan, and him trying to tread as lightly as humanly possible not to make me upset.
"You're stressing me out."
"I'm expecting the process to be less antagonistic."
"All I want is understanding."
In his words, more or less. He has his own process, and I think those statements are a result of the overlap.
My decision at this point is to put it aside for a few more days and check in later, when the intensity has lessened.
Woke up feeling a bit shaky after this weird disappointing dream I had. Lior wasn't in it but Isaac (our son) was, along with my mom (who has been deceased for some years now).
I had some passing recollections of our conversations as of late and my anxiety started blooming so I'm trying to sit through it while doing other things. Yesterday it occurred to me that we've come to that place where more needs to happen in terms of nurturing our connection at a higher level. Lior didn't have much of a reaction to the suggestions I made besides agreeing to a few.
Hoping I level out as the day goes on.
Huge life-altering news
I have decided that Lior and I will no longer be physically intimate going forward in lieu of some information I received a few hours ago. The relationship itself is not over but that part of it is no longer on the table for the time being unless a change of heart occurs on either side.
I would never say never. But it is a possibility based on the fact he and Petra would like to pursue a relationship.
I'm feeling a TON of shit right now. This week has been something else.
About an hour ago I had a good, loud, heaving cry. Earlier I teared up but I guess as time progressed the dam just broke.
I don't expect to right now but I can't wrap my head around discovering that when it comes to some very grey areas Lior will go where I simply won't even consider. It's making me examine what direction we should be going in, in the long-term. Everything is affected by the decisions that he's making, and also by the decisions I'm making as a result. From top to bottom.
I'm learning that while you may have thought about everything, you probably haven't, all at once. You usually know what you would do in a grey area, but do you know what your S/O will do? I thought I did. I really don't. I don't recognize him. I don't know what this is. I keep saying it over and over again. "I don't even know what this is."
I know about NRE. It's crossed my mind to pick his brain about whether he believes that's what it is or what, but I'm at a place where I don't even wanna ask any more questions.
I feel heavy. I could be grieving for what's been lost and what will be lost. I'm trying to run down the list of possibilities to put any kind of description to how I feel; that's just how I am.
It's a process. But did it really become more of a treacherous one?
A few hours after my last post I sent an email to Lior detailing everything that has caused me to question him as a person and as a partner. It was the piecing together of the shitstorm that has been taking place since earlier this week, things that I needed him to read for the sake of any further conversation.
I didn't hear from him until mid-afternoon. I wanted to know if he had read the email; he replied that he did. He didn't elaborate. I started getting frustrated yet again. After me spewing some harsh words line after line he responded that after reading he felt hurt, but couldn't deny anything.
I reiterated that he hadn't thought any of his decisions through. Not one. He agreed. He has been going off of how he feels about Petra. After days of some rose-coloured haze (that he's still in IMO) he stated that he can see now.
Based on that part in particular I've learned that when it comes to Lior, loneliness, and a lack of physical constraint, it could be a recipe for disaster.
We agreed to further communication and a set date for things like video chat.
No one knows what the fuckups thus far will mean for our future.
I don't see myself being civil with Petra ever. I don't trust her or her intentions.
I'm learning about a dealbreaker for myself that isn't a dealbreaker for Lior. I don't know how to feel about it, or if I can ever reconcile it going forward.
You don't imagine not being sexual with the person you've been solely sexual with for the better part of half a decade, on purpose. At least I didn't.
I'm tired. Again.
I'm more level. I have bursts of anger here and there, but they usually fade as quickly as they arise. It's easy for me to come up with cutting remarks to direct towards Lior; I mostly decide to keep them to myself.
My best bet is to take each day as it comes, especially up until I hear back about results. My psyche has been through enough during this week alone so I'd rather not put any more strain on it than is necessary.
When I get more breathing room I'm looking forward to doing the things re: self-improvement that I've become super focused for the past year, and amping up my involvement in the exercises I'm doing already. Very intent on self-care, from now until forevermore.
Sometimes it's difficult to picture where this is all headed. I don't necessarily mind because that is very much real life.
On the other hand, I am alone in my stance. It's... an unusual space to be in, but it is where I am, and I am steadfast. For the first time Lior is telling me I am using too much logic to see things and possibilities and the situation right in front of our faces. I'm no longer surprised by his attempts to normalize what has taken place, nor am I surprised at his attempts to alleviate his own guilt.
Whatever opportunity there was for this new bond to flourish with support and any sense of voluntary connection was squandered the moment Petra could not find the truth inside to speak aloud at the appropriate time. I'm not moved by what nor whom I do not know; I realize Lior is not okay with this but it's not up to him. I don't need to be handed pamphlets about what a wonder of the world this person is; it will never matter. There was a choice made that was a bad one, and I can't abide selfishness living a life that REQUIRES openness and honesty in order to function effectively.
Imperfection is not my issue. Who is perfect? A lack of foresight and shifty intentions are the things I take issue with, on every side. Did I expect too much? I don't believe so. It isn't too much to expect that adults will do better than "Humans are irrational and make mistakes sometimes".
The disappointment is palpable. It turns to anger sometimes but I know it's mostly disappointment, a continual kind. One that might not have an end. That's... worrisome.
I go back and forth on things I'd like to say to Lior but don't because I feel like they won't have the impact they need to have. I have questions, numerous ones. None of them have answers worth hearing; not based on what has been uncovered and realized thus far.
He doesn't want me to resent him. I'm not sure how I'll be moving through this without developing some though. I honestly don't think there's any way around said development, especially because how I see him has changed. His words ring hollow in conjunction with his actions, which don't match up.
Ugh ugh ugh.
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