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-   -   Poly Break-up - Kubler-Ross style:/ (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69430)

thinkpeople0000 03-25-2014 08:35 PM

Poly Break-up - Kubler-Ross style:/
Hi everyone!

New to poly (10 months) and new to forum...

I think I'm just here to share and connect about my experience. I am a somewhat straight woman and have been married for 11 years and have young children...I met a man who became my friend through an activist group I was involved in. We became good friends and eventually he shared with me that he was poly with his wife. To make a long story short, he basically seduced me (I was married and NOT poly) and I am somewhat weak-willed when it comes to matters of the flesh and a sexy convincing man.

To complicate matters, I moved with my family across the country about a month later and missed him terribly. We talked on the phone all the time and texted and became very close. Eventually, my husband discovered my affair (please don't judge me just wait). I was very honest with my husband and agreed to cut off the relationship and go to therapy...solo and together. We did and I still felt as though I needed this other man in my life. I was in love with him and we had become amazing friends. I worked very hard with my husband and was very honest about my need to be poly. I didn't want to leave my husband and children. Eventually my husband agreed. We worked on all of this in and out of our therapist's office.

My feelings for this other man (I will call him my boyfriend at this point) became stronger and stronger, but the long distance was very hard. His wife was not comfortable with the emotional connection he had with me (she was not able to connect with him emotionally - physically and practically yes). There was constant drama and it was exhausting at times. Eventually I didn't know what to do with all of this love. I couldn't have him physically. We had 2 spouses that weren't happy with our connection...the odds were completely against us. My husband had wanted to start dating other couples...so we started doing this. My boyfriend was having a hard time with this and would one minute say he was completely fine with it and then the next say he couldn't stand it and we had to break up. Of course we couldn't stay away from each other for too long (via phone or text). We were like magnets. Eventually though, I think it all became too much for him. He had the excuse of our relationship being too difficult for my husband as a reason to break up with me (although he had never had a problem with pushing my husband to the edge in the past). He ended with a slew of cold texts about how our relationship was wrong and it could not continue. I convinced him to call me and he continued his cold monologue over the phone while I cried. Telling him that it probably did need to end, but that I loved him and would miss his friendship the most. I thanked him for opening my eyes and helping me grow in several ways. I wished him luck. It was very emotional and painful for me and he never shed a tear and there was no kindness or empathy, only coldness. uggh!! It was horrible. He reached out via FB mssg about a week later and said he felt bad for shutting me down so clearly and that he owed me some words. I didn't respond. He called me and texted me in the middle of the night a few days after that. I responded the next day "yes?". He wanted to call me. I agreed to talk to him. He never apologized for his coldness and even denied it. He asked how I was. I told him the space and time had been good for me. I was doing well. He said he missed me. I told him I wasn't sure how to respond to that. He said he understood. I asked him not to contact me for a month or so, so that I could continue to separate from him and heal. He seemed surprised, but agreed and said he would leave it up to me to contact him.

This has honestly been one of the most painful break ups ever. I am so up and down. Angry at him one moment. Loving him and feeling compassion for the hurt little boy deep inside him (that's another story). I love him terribly and miss our friendship. But the way he broke up with me was so painful. I'm so hurt. I'm taking this time to heal and try to take the emotion out of the relationship to see it and him for what it is. My husband is finally showing some empathy for all the stages of grief that I'm going through. What a good man he is.

Thanks for listening everyone. I love to feel connected to people, so if you feel like responding or sharing about yourself or your experiences...please do:) xo

kdt26417 03-25-2014 09:51 PM

Sorry to hear about your breakup. If you're interested you can read about my story at: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...039#post257039

I hope you find some healing in the months ahead.
Kevin T.

P.S. If any mods/admins happen across this thread, I suggest we move it to the Relationships board or the Introductions board.

kdt26417 03-26-2014 02:06 AM

And now that we're in the intro board ...

Welcome! :)

Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Just for the record, I do not look down the nose at you because of the affair. Polyamory is not widely known and because of that, people often resort to affairs when they would have tried poly if they had thought of it or known about it. The truth is, many poly arrangements start with an affair. It's not the ideal way to start but it's the reality for a lot of poly people.

I think the important thing for now is recovering from a relationship that was not meant to be. If there is any way we on this site can be of help, please let us know.

Kevin T.


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

RumRumi 03-26-2014 03:54 AM

I feel your pain. Break-ups are not my strong suit. I've been Kubler-Rossing for some time now. Currently recycling through bargaining. So far I have resisted the urge to send a mix tape, so that is good. :)

Welcome to the site. I've learned a lot about what poly relationships can look like by lurking around this board. May you find some healing and peace!

thinkpeople0000 03-26-2014 04:03 AM

Thank you so much for replying:) I also read your story on the link you shared. Wow! What an amazing path you've followed with no lack of difficulty. That takes a great deal of strength and resilience and big love:)

Yes, I'm continuing to deal with a relationship that was likely doomed from the beginning. A poly man who ultimately could not handle it when I became poly with my husband. The irony, but this is not an easy path when the real challenges of loving and being loved romantically by more than one presents. The heart is unpredictable and we cannot always connect and integrate intellectually and emotionally.

I will always love this man. We had something very special. I think the relationship was meant to be. We both pushed each other to be our best selves. But I also think it always had an end that loomed on the horizon. What do you do with all this love? When you want more? But practically speaking you can't have it? Distance and 6 young children between us, and spouses both incapable of accepting us even though everything was open and even encouraged from his end at first. Until the emotional connection became too much for all of us to handle. There was nowhere to go anymore.

I am so glad he came into my life for a time. It is horribly painful to let someone go when you've become so attached. But beautiful to have been able to experience such love at the same time.

Here's my poem about all of this. All I felt in my poly relationship. I hope I am able to experience another love, but for now...I'm still recovering from my first:

What is that moment
where happiness
and sadness collide
when one
replaces the other
in a second
leaving you to believe
something is terribly
and wonderfully
perfect all the same

The bitter and the sweet
coming together
a taste unforgotten
a tear and a smile
crossing paths
on my lips

thinkpeople0000 03-26-2014 04:14 AM

And RumRumi... Thank you also for your reply and for making me laugh with your mixed tape comment:)

I touch on acceptance at times but I've gotten lost in the anger stage much too frequently, projecting onto my husband probably too often. Also in the denial phase as well at times, thinking that it's not really over...

Good grief...no pun intended. This is hard but good to lighten it up at times ...it's only life after all;)

RumRumi 03-26-2014 04:55 AM

Yeah, I'm a big fan of the angry stage too. So often when I break it down though, it comes out to me not feeling ok with who I am. Then the anger melts and I am able to enter the depression stage, which has been good. My wife has shown remarkable empathy as I've gone through that part, and I feel closer to her now than ever.

And still mildly heart broken. :D

kdt26417 03-26-2014 10:40 AM

Good poem, thinkpeople0000. Hang in there, I don't think we always move through the grief stages "in order."

thinkpeople0000 03-26-2014 12:56 PM

Thank you both! This has all been very helpful and I appreciate your kind words and for sharing a part of yourselves.

I agree with both of you that the stages are not in order and recycling is part of the process. The anger phase, although not comfortable, is much easier than the depression stage for me but usually precedes the depression stage no doubt. Sadness is comfortable for me but I must keep it in check before it turns into the darkness of depression which is hard for me to climb out of:/

So here we go, figuring out this life, learning out lessons and continuing to grow and move forward. Thank you both again! I'll try to get a proper intro up in the near future:)

kdt26417 03-26-2014 08:23 PM

Sounds good; looking forward to your "official intro." ;)

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