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-   -   keeping loves seperate (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69396)

LoveBunny 03-23-2014 12:11 AM

keeping loves seperate
 
I'd like to know if anyone here maintains multiple relationships which are lived out entirely separate from one another--I mean, your lovers do not interact at all for whatever reason. I'd also like to hear from those of you who don't have an even casual relationship with your "metamour." How does this level of compartmentalization affect you and your relationships?

Obviously, purely sexual, casual relationships works fine within these circumstances, but I'm wondering more about long-term relationships. Can they be sustained while keeping "worlds from colliding?"

Inyourendo 03-23-2014 02:11 AM

My partners do not interact

Dagferi 03-23-2014 04:15 AM

My husbands do not interact other than holidays and important kid events.

westVan 03-23-2014 05:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveBunny (Post 262742)
I'd also like to hear from those of you who don't have an even casual relationship with your "metamour."

I have no contact with my bf's other partner.

london 03-23-2014 06:52 AM

My metamour prefers to think of me as an elderly pet and ignore the fact he's in a serious relationship which is a big commitment in his life. Separate relationships absolutely work. However, her extreme level of discomfort and general lack of consideration for his other commitments is not compatible with the level of relationship she obviously wants with him. Her approach means he will need to pick between us more often in the future and it means we never discuss things as a three. She's the last to know and plans are made which indirectly affect her but she has no real say in.

Unfortunately, neither her or my partner understand why this isn't sustainable but they'll live and learn.

LoveBunny 03-23-2014 11:12 AM

@Inyourendo, so how does that work? For example, if you're out with friends and one partner is there, would you NOT invite the other? If you were to throw a party, could you invite them both or no?

@WestVan, does your bf introduce both of you to friends, or does only one partner meet friends and family? Is it a primary/secondary type relationship or some other structure?

@London that's exactly what I'm trying to tell my husband, who wants zero interaction with anyone else in my life. I'm to keep everything separate and away from him. I say that will severely limit how close I'm allowed to get to someone else, and also will cut hubby out of big parts of my life.

Devirajni 03-23-2014 11:46 AM

I have not met my boyfriend's husband, 11 months in. The BF and I live in the same town; his husband lives in another state. I think if we all lived close, we would have met already. His husband visits our town every six weeks or so for a weekend or a few days and he goes there.

My BF's immediate family live in the area, but I have not met them either. His husband regularly accompanies him to his family events when he visits. I have expressed interest in meeting them, and my BF has said that it will happen.

My BF may be an extreme compartmentalizer; when he is with me, he does not text or call his husband, and when he is with his husband, he does not contact me unless I specifically ask for it. Any item of clothing or jewelry I may have left at his house is put away when his husband visits, and I have never seen any evidence of his husband when I am over.

He has expressed frustration with having to be compartmentalized in this way and that things would be much easier if we all lived closer so that he could divide his time between us (geographically speaking). I don't think his polyshipping style is an inclusive one. On the other hand, he has said that it would be "wonderful" if his husband and I could be friends. For my part, I am not yet in a place where I could walk into a venue and see him and his husband together in a couple-y way and be okay - but I'm a hardwired mono.

GalaGirl 03-23-2014 12:09 PM

Quote:

How does this level of compartmentalization affect you and your relationships?
At the time -- I let them each know I was seeing the other, and gave them contact info. So if they wanted to talk and form their own friendship or whatever they could. They didn't -- they were cordial the few times they had to interact but not into more than that. But I'd done my job in terms of providing contact info.

It worked out fine -- in terms of keeping things separate. One was LDR so geography was helpful in keeping things separate. BF1 handled jealousy on his own without telling me much about it. BF2 struggled with jealousy and fussed at me some but eventually got over it. Everyone is different.

It also worked out challenging -- because after a point I was tired of the compartmentalization and things had to change around and then the geography (which previously had been a boon) was now a PITA. BF2 and I broke up and faded to friends and then faded to memories. It was a good experience.

But I wouldn't want to compartmentalize for long haul today. At the time having (multiple non-primary) as the open relationship model was great. I want something else now. It is entirely possible for time to pass and for me to want that model again, though. People are not static -- even oneself.

HTH!
Galagirl

london 03-23-2014 12:45 PM

My partner says that if she is unwilling to share space and I am, I will not be excluded, she will be opting not to come.

PolyinPractice 03-23-2014 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveBunny (Post 262742)
I'd like to know if anyone here maintains multiple relationships which are lived out entirely separate from one another--I mean, your lovers do not interact at all for whatever reason. I'd also like to hear from those of you who don't have an even casual relationship with your "metamour." How does this level of compartmentalization affect you and your relationships?

Obviously, purely sexual, casual relationships works fine within these circumstances, but I'm wondering more about long-term relationships. Can they be sustained while keeping "worlds from colliding?"

"Purely sexual, casual relationships," can still be tricky to manage within those confines.

In my case, such a thing would be nearly impossible for him and not fun for me (she would have to see him only when he's away from family, unlike myself, if she were to have no interaction with his spouse). Ideally, I think it's great if metamours are friends-- that way everyone is in a mutually beneficial relationship and all parties helping each other out. But it's possible to work around that.


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