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-   -   How you came out as poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69387)

Tiberius 03-22-2014 03:44 AM

How you came out as poly
Okay, to be clear, I'm not after a thread on ideas on how to come out as poly. Rather, I'm interested as to your own stories on how you came out as poly to other people. How did you tell them? Where you blunt, or did you leave hints around? Have you come out to your parents, friends, co-workers? How did they react? And have you made or lost any friends because of it?

My story is this. For as long as I can remember, I've never really thought it a bad thing to have more than one love. When I was a little kid, I came home from school one day and proudly told my mum that I had several girlfriends at school. Unfortunately, my love life was never a very successful one, and it never really got going until my mid 20s, and despite a rather unfulfilling relationship, the whole idea of non-monogamy never really came to mind. Maybe I was just too busy trying to make one relationship work I just didn't have time to try to get into another one. But when I met my current partner (Ro, for those of you who are keeping track with my other thread), we really hit it off, and we've developed a very strong and secure relationship. We hardly fight, and when we do, we are able to solve the problem quickly. We just WORK.

We'd discussed having an open relationship for a while, but she was usually fairly unsure about it. Recently, a few months ago, Ro came to realise that she is bisexual. Now, I'm about as liberal as you can get, so I told her that she should feel free to explore this newly discovered aspect of herself. We started talking about a threesome with another girl, to which I have absolutely no problem. So, with the idea of opening our relationship up to allow for a threesome, I started looking at the Wikipedia articles on different kinds of open relationships.

And then I got to the one about polyamory. And as I read it, I felt the ideas just resonating with me like none of the others had. It just seemed RIGHT. Now, this was pretty late at night, and Ro was already in bed asleep, but the next morning I told her how the polyamory article had really resonated with me.

So since then, she's read a few things about polyamory, and we've discussed it at length. We've come up with rules and guidelines for how I can pursue other relationships, and we're getting to a point where we're both pretty comfortable with it.

I've also told a few other people. I told my best friend from highschool (a guy who is like a brother to me), and he played devil's advocate to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, which was pretty good. And I've told another good friend who lives interstate. She's quite religious, so she has her worries, and she was also quite surprised. I've also told a guy at work, as he's also got an open relationship, although his is more of a casual sex thing rather than polyamory.

What about your stories?

LovingRadiance 03-22-2014 03:53 AM

We just did.
We already lived together.
We told the kids. Then we told everyone else and moved on with our lives.
Very undramatic.

nycindie 03-22-2014 04:48 AM

Have you done a search? Lots of threads here on the topic. The "official" general discussion thread, for your reading pleasure: Coming out

Tiberius 03-22-2014 05:20 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 262688)
Have you done a search? Lots of threads here on the topic. The "official" general discussion thread, for your reading pleasure: Coming out

Yeah, I know there are threads on coming out, but the ones I saw were more about people asking for advice on how to do it, whereas I was hoping for this to be more along the lines of people just telling their stories.

Ariakas 03-23-2014 05:36 PM


Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 262684)
We just did.
We already lived together.
We told the kids. Then we told everyone else and moved on with our lives.
Very undramatic.

I was about to say

We haven't.. cause we just kind of do... but thats been with "todays" friends and acquaintances.

Most of my family, I haven't bothered, more because I could care less what they think.

The two people that matter, my cousin and my mom. I did come out to. Both already knew I was non-monogamous, both knew beth and I had dated (far more polite than saying boned) girls together. I emailed my mom my extended story and with my cousin, I .. honestly. I am not sure. I think I just said "hey heres my gf".. all relatively normal

Now my mom comes out to visit and stay with us. She is called grandma Pat.

Non-monogamy has been in my family since the 70's. My uncle had endless gf's and was a swinger, (so was his wife) and I would be money my other cousins were too. My Dad and Mom were monogamous but very accepting. I talked with them about all of my hedonism. :)

copperhead 03-27-2014 04:59 PM

As I've been telling people about why my relationship ended (I was cheated on and lied to), I felt the need to tell about polyamory as well, to give the full context to it all. Most people have reacted with "and he still cheated on you anyway 0.o". So I guess the old wisdom of if you want a puppy ask for a llama first, applies to this too. The breakup and the reason that led to it captured everyones attention so that I didn't need to have long discussions about poly. But I'm pretty much out now.

Dagferi 03-27-2014 05:42 PM

I just live my life.

Mya 03-28-2014 09:49 AM

I don't need to hide my loves from most people, so I come out all the time. It's a process that never ends because you meet new people and then you have to tell them again. This means I have dozens of coming out stories. The most recent one was when I was out with a group of people who I share the same hobby with and one of them was asking me about a trip a made recently. I went alone and he asked what inspired me to go alone. I said that I'm around people quite a lot in my daily life, so I thought I could use some me time. He then asked if I have a partner and I replied "I have two." That sparked a conversation about poly and people asked me a lot of questions. That's usually how it goes. Although sometimes I can just say it as a side note and move on if people aren't interested in knowing more. I like it when that happens, it makes me feel like it's normal.

opalescent 03-28-2014 01:00 PM

I have not yet come out as poly to my family. I'm just not ready yet to have that conversation. I also don't mention it at work.

Otherwise, I use the 'not hiding' approach. I was catching up with an old friend and her wife recently. I mentioned that my boyfriend has another girlfriend. They didn't say anything. That's what happens most of the time.

vanquish 03-28-2014 02:01 PM

My parents are both dead, but if they were here it would really be a non-issue. They'd just see it as dating multiple people and not worry about it.

The topic does come up once or twice a week when we're out and about meeting new people. A lot of people around here don't understand the term, so we give a quick explanation. We were out at a networking function for artists last night and met a wonderful lady who produces and directs movies. She complimented us as a couple and asked if we were married. After giving our usual, playful "ohhhh hellll noooo" (not exactly those words) I told her, "We're both poly. We're committed to each other but we also see other people." Boom. Short and sweet. It didn't phase her at all although you could see the gears turning in her head.

The few times a year that we go to church, which is a favor I do for M so she can interact with old family friends, they always ask when we're going to get married, and we simply say "Not this year." There's no point in being that provocative in that setting.

A lot of times with younger people it's a total non-issue, but you'll get 30-40 year olds who still look down on it. "Dude, you're letting your girl see other guys?" I just respond by saying, "I've got a great relationship that fits what we're comfortable with." Then I reduce it down to "bubba terms" for them. "I have a hot girlfriend who encourages me to date other hot women, but is still committed to me." That usually either shuts them up or gets a "Ooooohhh. Yeah that is cool."

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