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-   -   In a relationship with a poly-amorous girl. Need some input. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6935)

polymono 02-19-2011 03:15 AM

In a relationship with a poly-amorous girl. Need some input.
Hi All,

I'm in my early thirties. I'm dating a girl, she's 29, who is poly-amorous. We've been together for a bit longer than 6 months. Early in the relationship, during our 3rd date, she told me she was inclined to poly-amory. At that time she was seeing another guy since some time already. As our relationship evolved, we got closer together and we are in love now. We've been together on a long holiday, that's the time when we really grew closer to each other, and we had amazing times.

Myself, right now, I don't think I'm a poly-amorous person. I didn't really knew what it involved when we started dating each other, I somehow had an idea, but didn't really think of the emotional consequences, as I was just happy to getting to know here and to be with here. Tho, I got somehow interested in the subject, and started reading the famous book, The Ethical Slut.

She knows my difficulties with the poly-amorous thing, tho, I want to make an effort towards it. After we came back from our holiday, we got separated for some weeks as she had some work obligations in another city. Before leaving each other we made an agreement, we wouldn't do anything that could possibly hurt each other. If anything would come up regarding poly-amorous relationships on both sides we would talk to each other first.

Lately, while she was in that other city, she told me she got close to another guy and they kissed. After what she called me to tell me about it. Somewhere I hoped the poly-amorous thing was somehow behind her, as we were really close and we have some plans to move in together after she would be back. So when she told me that she kissed, I felt somehow betrayed because of our agreement. Her reason of telling me, is because of our agreement. She wanted to let me know that something more might eventually happen with that guy. Picturing her getting close to him, saying things to him she told me too, being very intimate to him is very painful right now.

Today, I wonder if I should go on with our relationship. It hurts when I think of breaking up with her, but my fear is that I might get hurt more if I go on in that relationship. As I said, I want to make an effort towards poly-amory, but I feel I need to do it carefully, take my time, and get support from her.

As you might expect, I have a lot of questions regarding poly-amory nowadays. When I think about the idea, it really makes sense to me. I believe it is possible to be in love with different persons. I myself, have attractions for other girls when I am in relationships with girls, I think it's something natural. Those attraction being emotional and sexual. Tho, when I'm in a deep relationship with someone, I don't need to give those attractions a follow-up, as I find it strengthens that special bound I have with that one particular person. Also, I don't have that feeling that something is missing in my life or the relationship.

By posting on this forum, I hope I might get some different inputs, ideas. How do other poly-amorous and non poly-amorous persons handle this ? What are their experiences on the subject ? Am I definitely non poly-amorous or is it possible to evolve towards it ?

Thanks for taking your time to read this, I tried to be as clear as possible about how I feel, and what I think. If some parts do need some more clarification to you, please do ask.


BlackUnicorn 02-19-2011 10:41 AM

Not pretending to be a great guru of polyamory myself, but I think part of the difficulty might be that you and gf are still very new to your relationship, and are more or less still in-love, or in NRE. I take it you are somewhat long-distance?

sage 02-19-2011 11:28 AM

Hi Polymono

Do a tag search here for polymono, you might have to play around with the tags a bit I'm techniphobic so aren't much use but I know they're there. If you go a way back in general discussions you'll find "The Struggling mono thread".

If you want to go off the forum for support I write a blog (link in signature). Check out the earlier threads, when I was struggling with polymono.

You ask are you definitely not polyamorous? And can you evolve towards it. These are good questions to be asking but I don't think you can really know at this stage.

Many of us (me included), try out polyamory just because we are in a relationship with a polyamorous person. We think it will make it easier but in my experience and observation of others it doesn't. I think you first have to work through all the emotions that you're currently going through before it will really become clear whether you could "evolve into polyamory". I don't think evolve is a very good word because it puts polyamory on a higher level than monogamy and I don't agree that it is necessarily.

I started out mono and have moved to a what I call being "poly friendly". For me that means that while I'm open to it I'm not at all looking and I'm very content with my relationship as it is. My partner has another love.

Read, participate in the forum and ask specific questions, you'll get plenty of support.

This will be a challenging time but if you open your heart and your mind, also a very rewarding one.

dub1h 02-19-2011 03:36 PM

Hey Polymono

I was just in a similar situation. I felt like things were not how I actually wanted and it was painful to be in the relationship, but just as painful to think about breaking up.

Try to get a general sense of how things are going. That is, the way in which you communicate and develop as a couple. Is this difficult time just from the natural ups and downs of a relationship, or is there some fundamental personality trait that is going to be causing friction for a very long time?

If you can look at things like that, maybe you can get a better idea of whether this is something you want to work through, or if you'd rather work on getting over this love you have. Just see if you can spot light at the end of the tunnel, or if you'll be going down a very rough and painful path.

kreeativ 02-19-2011 07:30 PM

i am in the best relationship i have ever been in. my friend feels the same way,we are in a spritual partnership,where trancending the issues of human condition are a large part of us being together.
we have just started discussing this poly phenomonon,because i have always been poly,but didnt know the word,just never could understand the feelings i was having throughout all the other relationships. now that i have something i can wrap my mind around,such as a word, i can now explain what my heart is all about to her.
so this is kind of new to "us" .im not in a poly relationship at the time,just a mono with her,but know i will go poly eventually and hope that she will learn and grow with me through it. i dont expect her to go poly,but hope she will accept me as such and i beleive she will.

MonoVCPHG 02-19-2011 07:36 PM

Plenty to consider
When looking at this there is a broad spectrum of considerations that may not have been looked at. What do you want out of a long term relationship down the road and can she fulfill that? Let's say you fall madly in love with her and want to get married and have kids. How will you feel about introducing her to your parents and friends? Are you prepared for that possibity? There are a lot of external factors that will come into play when you invest deeper. I'm not trying to be negative...just trying to get you to look further down the road at other issues which may take the forefront when NRE wears off.

Mono-Poly can work and can be wonderful but I recommend you really look at your needs in the future as a couple before investing more of yourselves.

redpepper 02-19-2011 07:37 PM

Well, you are not alone here... its a good idea to do some reading. It seems you haven't yet on here... keeping to the "new to poly" forum will indicate in a short time that there are many that have gone before you. The suggestion of doing a tag search is a good one... "mono poly" "monopoly" "mono/poly" "polymono" all good tags to look at... if you go to the tool bar and press search you will find the tag search option... a cloud of tags will come up. You can pick from that, or think of your own tag ideas... if you read a tagged thread you will see the other tags at the bottom of the thread. You might get some ideas from those on what would be useful to you.

As to the bond that you have with this woman. That is a lovely thing and to be cherished. She might feel bonded in the same way to you, or she might just enjoy it in the moments she has with you as attention she gets.. I don't know. It could go either way. I have a non-sexual boyfriend that gives me a lot of attention and I enjoy it. I love him for it even. The bond I have with him is not as strong as the one I have with my other men though. The bond I have with them is huge. It has been important to me to see the difference and acknowledge that, accept it. My bond with Derby is different again yet similar. Different people, different bonds and levels of connection and commitment into the future..

I think your best bet is to be open to her love, yet wary. It has not been a long time and you likely are still riding on your NRE for her. Enjoy that while it lasts, but put the future into perspective. Do you want a girlfriend that has other lovers really? Or do you want someone that is going to commit to building a life of love and family with just you? Is she able and willing to do this with you... would she require doing this with others too? Or is she content to be on her own and have lots of lovers. There are huge differences in how people do their poly... It sounds like all of that is to be discovered and discussed at some point.

Right now though, I think I would just enjoy her. Later, when things have settled into a dull routine of work, dates, housework, holiday obligations blah blah blah... you will see what the path to the future is. It's when the mundane aspects of life become evident more than the relationship that real growth to the future happens in my experience.

vodkafan 02-19-2011 08:32 PM


Originally Posted by kreeativ (Post 67236)
i am in the best relationship i have ever been in. my friend feels the same way,we are in a spritual partnership,where trancending the issues of human condition are a large part of us being together.

Hi kreeativ,
not trying to be negative but how does one go about "trancending the issues of human condition" ? In my experience SOMEONE in a relationship has to cook the dinner, go to work and do the shopping.

kreeativ 02-19-2011 09:03 PM

im talking about deeper issues than the daily grind of things. im talking about,the ego and all its little tricks that contribute to our suffering as human beings.

vodkafan 02-19-2011 11:36 PM


Originally Posted by kreeativ (Post 67268)
im talking about deeper issues than the daily grind of things. im talking about,the ego and all its little tricks that contribute to our suffering as human beings.

Haha we strive for the answers to all that bollocks too. In between the shopping and cooking the dinner :rolleyes:

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