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-   -   Need help explaining Sex with one is not better than the other (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6933)

Vera 02-19-2011 02:39 AM

Need help explaining Sex with one is not better than the other
Hello everyone,

So my BF and I have been dating for five years now, we have always had more flexible boundaries but we completely opened our relationship 6 mounts ago. My BF has seen other girls but is not currently. I have also see girls in the past but recently I have started seeing a man for the first time. We are really to move our relationship to the next level, But my BF is uncomfortable with this. He believes my new partner will perform better sexually than him, and that I will rather have sex with my new partner.

How do I explain to him that neither one will be better than the other one and that I will still want to have sex with him?

Thank you for your help, Vera

River 02-19-2011 02:50 AM

Don't tell, show. he-he-he....;):D:rolleyes:

LovingRadiance 02-19-2011 03:34 AM

You can say it until you are blue-until he decides to let go of his fear of being "not good enough" he won't believe you.

I've been struggling with that issue for years.

Just keep loving him, keep making love to him and reminding him that he's still special to you.

Ariakas 02-19-2011 04:22 AM

honestly, he needs to have confidence in his own prowess. You can talk all you want, but he may never understand.

Lack of self-confidence needs to be fixed by self...:)

Vera 02-19-2011 06:24 AM

Ya, I guess I knew all of that :( Its just frustrating

aLABiMCpl 02-19-2011 07:17 AM

Men get weird at times....

Looks like he is rearing up the Jealousy Bug.

Chances are it is all because it is a Male involved and his brain is on overload.

That will be a hard thing to break without a LOT of love and trust.

He has to know that whatever happens, you are "going home with him" at the end of the day.

kettlingur 02-19-2011 09:13 AM

I am going through a similar issue with my female partner. My other lover is male and she feels because he has a penis and can do things sexually for me she can not do without assistance that my sex life with him will always be more fulfilling. I try to reassure her that they both satisfy me, just in different ways, but I feel it is a losing battle with her insecurities. She is genderqueer (accepting that she has aspects of both masculinity and femininity within her) and has always felt lacking in some way based on her absence of male parts. I know this is an issue she must come to terms with on her own before anything I say will make a difference but I'm totally with you on the frustration factor.

Hope your guy learns to trust you and trust himself. *hugs*

redpepper 02-19-2011 06:42 PM

Agreeing with the idea that he might have to look inward to his feelings of self worth and esteem... some more thoughts.

People have sex differently when it comes down to it. They smell different, sound different, have different talents and desires. Your man will not be the same as this other man. He has his own unique way that you love about him... if you have got to the point where you would like to experience what this man is like sexually then that has nothing to do with your love and desire for your boyfriend. It comes from a different place.

I have a live in boyfriend and a husband. Two men that are very different. I had sex with both this week several times and the two put me in a different head space within the space of the half hour (at one point) that I had between them. My body feels the same and reacts the same way as I understand it, but theirs do not; because they are different. I get turned on in different ways with each of them...and experience the situation differently. I love that!

I can understand why your boyfriend would feel this way however. I think that sometimes our culture of sex does not embrace closeness and connection in sex and sees it as a cock and a pussy doin' it. We see that in porn for instance. Shaved pussies modified and trimmed to look a certain way that is meant to be desirable, thin women that yell out the same thing every time... men who put them in positions that are for them, not for her... these images are not real. The sex is not real. Having pretended, in fun, to be in a mainstream porn video, the sex is contrived and hollow; showy. Isn't meant to get anyone off. I find amateur porn to be much more satisfying as a result.

If we have been taught what sex is by popular culture as two bodies banging up against each other, then I can see how he would think that you might get the same thing and better. He might think that you don't need anything else, because you have that.

I'm not saying that the sex you have is hollow or anything like that, I am only suggesting that the culture you are brought up in has curved your views of sex when really in your intimate moments its different than that.

That being said, there is the possibility that he is not concerned about the act so much as the closeness that likely will follow... the bond that will be created. For many people there is no coming back from that, the bond will be set. I wonder if you dug a bit deeper if this is what you will find he is concerned about.

Magdlyn 02-19-2011 08:48 PM

No 2 men are alike. It's not all just insert Tab A into Slot B.

Some men adore giving head. Some can take it or leave it, some won't do it at all.

Some men love to be penetrated. Some are totally not interested.

Some men are subs, some are Doms, some are kinky switches.

Some are shy, some are assertive.

Some love bjs and some can't cum from that.

Some love to talk dirty, some barely make a sound even when cumming.

Some are cross-dressers, some are so Dom they don't even want to take their cargo pants and shirt off.

Some will read you erotic literature, some think stories are for kids.

Some are skinny, some muscly, some are large and bearlike.

You get the picture. All are different, none necessarily "better" than the other.

Variety is the spice of life!

LovingRadiance 02-19-2011 11:50 PM

Mag, that post rocks. :)

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