I'm LoveBunny, early 40's, very bisexual, married to a monogamous man.
My first officially open relationship was in my early twenties when I lived in Manhattan. I was dating Jimmy when we both met Sonya through a mutual girlfriend, who I was also sleeping with. I fell in love with Sonya, Sonya fell in love with Jimmy. Sonya and I also slept with Jimmy's twin brother, Greg, and I slept with Greg's girlfriend too. I left Sonya and Jimmy just before they got engaged. It was a heartbreaking decision, but I knew I would never be happy as a secondary to their primary relationship.
My next relationship was with Matt, who had occasionally had sex with me, Sonya, and the twins. Back thent Matt lived in New Jersey and wasn't around much. Then we started dating, and Matt moved to NYC, into my bachelorette pad. Matt was bisexual, and we had sex with Greg, who was bi, and Matt also slept with my gay friend Tae. Ultimately, Matt and I morphed in a sibling-like friendship, and he remains a dear long-distance confidant. His own marriage recently imploded because he could not sustain monogamy, and was caught cheating.
My next live-in boyfriend was S&M Guy. He was disappointed that I wouldn't embrace my submissive nature, but I'm sensitive to pain and can't take much. I went to Paris for the summer and fell in love with a French flutist named Thierry while S&M Guy stayed in NYC--he was ok with me having a lover abroad. Soon after I returned to NYC, "Arlo" started working where I worked, I would not have believed you if you told me he would someday be my husband. Arlo was so nice, so "vanilla." My relationship with S&M Guy wasn't explicitly open, so when Arlo asked me out at first, I said no. Eventually, I broke up with S&M Guy and commanded Arlo to ask me out again. I couldn't help it, the boy was just so adorable. I thought he was too nice, though. I worried I'd destroy him.
I almost lost Arlo when I returned for another summer in Paris, to Thierry! Arlo was heartbroken by what he considered a betrayal. I realized Arlo couldn't handle the kind of open relationships I was used to. I returned to NYC with promises to reign myself in as best as I could--Arlo was worth it.
Luckily, Arlo wasn't a total prude, he was open to some adventures. Arlo got on great with my ex, Matt, and we had several threesomes with him (though Matt wasn't allowed to touch Arlo, who is straight.) Once, I brought home a girl from my office I was having a fling with (a summer intern who would soon return to Germany) and Arlo watched us fool around.
In my early thirties, Arlo and I wed and moved to the tropics. I fell into monogamy. I concentrated on other things: career, the arts... Arlo and I talked about having children, but I never actually conceived. I certainly felt something wasn't right sometimes. I felt lonely, as if by closing off sexual possibility, I shut myself off from intense connections of any sort.
When I was in my late 30's, monogamous for close to ten years, a guy at work, ten years younger than me, tall and buff, pursued me. I'm ashamed to say I snuck around with him. We groped and sucked and fingered each other in dark rooms at work, but we never saw each other outside of work. We never kissed, and we never fucked. He ended it when he met a girl he wanted a real relationship with.
So I stuffed my desires back underground, and before I knew it, I was 40. The catalyst for great change was a female ex-runway model, Coco, twelve years my younger and openly "polyamorous" (but...what was this word? I'd never heard this before?) She came on to me and I fell fast and hard for this cool, blonde beauty. There was nothing I could do but tell Arlo I needed to open the marriage. Now.
The months that followed were heaven and hell. I was in love with two people, and Arlo was devastated. I found out I was pregnant, but I no longer wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be polyamorous. I wanted more freedom in my life, and a child seemed like an impediment to that. I got an abortion, Arlo and I nearly separated, but at the last minute, he agreed to try opening the marriage. God, I love that man!
Coco and I lasted 5 months. She was a flaming narcissist and treated me terribly. That relationship ended in heartbreak, and now I avoid her like the plague. I used the aftermath to get things sorted out with Arlo. Before it happens again, what are our boundaries? How can we make this work? Arlo isn't interested in anyone but me, I fulfill all his needs sexually and emotionally. My need for intimacy and sex are greater than his, and I work hard to convince Arlo that no one can make me stop loving and wanting him.
Currently, I am working with a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, with the caveat that if someone comes along with whom I feel serious emotions, I am to let Arlo know, and we'll negotiate time-sharing, etc.. Arlo would be far more comfortable if my relationships were just with females, but females willing to date a married woman are few and far between, while males are plentiful, and Arlo understands that....DADT isn't ideal for me, but I'm willing to work with it for now. I've made it clear that I don't believe DADT can work forever.
Right after Coco, I briefly dated a 20-something guy I had known years earlier. He was sweet, but the sexual chemistry wasn't there for me, and he was uncomfortable with dating a married woman. We remain platonic friends. Then I met Carey at a charity function.
Carey is my age, a South African white male, divorced, a former "Mr. Zimbabwe." We hit it off as friends and as lovers, and he was cool with the fact that I'm married. He has a great house with a pool and hot tub, a motorcycle, boats, and we had some great times with all that. Carey got me into anal sex (thank you!) but after 9 months of getting together once or twice a month, we never progressed beyond fuckbuddy status. Then, after one night as his submissive at an S&M party, he decided he wanted to start getting rough with me. Sigh. I've got to do something about these sub tendencies! Carey and I never officially ended things, the booty calls just stopped from both ends, and I see on FB he has a girlfriend now. That's cool. I wish him the best.
I feel good about my marriage, Arlo actually makes jokes sometimes about me fulfilling my fantasy of being with a black man (funny, I've been noticing black men lately, and made out with one I met at a dinner party a couple of weeks ago.) Arlo told me during one of our "check-ins" that I was doing a great job keeping my relationships separate from our home life (something I failed at miserably with Coco. She had me so crazy I could barely function.)
I've been trying to take my sexuality into my own hands, but it's a struggle to find people to date. The only polyamorous folks in my area are single 20-somethings, and I don't quite fit in with them. There's a big swinging community, but I'm not quite a "swinger" either. I'd really like to find a girlfriend, but most lesbian woman won't mess with a married bisexual woman, and most bi women just want me to have a threesome with their man.
I've got a date next week, a single guy I hit up on a swinger's dating site. I liked the picture of his slender, tight torso with his thick, black penis ,and I wrote him to tell him so. He responded articulately and not aggressively. He sent a pic of his face, and he was cute and wore glasses! We messaged, texted, and talked on the phone a bit, and I actually am kind of excited to see if he might be my next lover. :)
Wow! You are quite the adventurer! I look forward to more updates on your journey.
Very interesting history (in a sensual and adventuring way). I found myself appreciating your style of writing, and I do look forward to future posts.
I'm amused at Arlo's desire for DADT, as it would seem after all this time (and some mutually pleasurable experiences) he'd be more comfortable integrating your approach to life with his own. We all find our serenity in differing sorts of ways though, and it's nice to see both of you having balanced ideals being met in your own relationship. . :)
Thanks, @NYCindie--I think it's funny how I was polyamorous before that was even a known word (early 1990's.) My friends and I thought we were the only people in the world living that way!
@Monkeystyle my husband is stubborn guy, but I'm just as stubborn ;) DADT is because he's comfortable with me being with others sexually, it's me falling in love with someone else he fears. That's why he resisted so badly when I first came to him about Coco, when he'd never freaked out if I fooled around with a girl before. I made it clear she wasn't going to be just a fling for me, and that changed everything.
Of course, this leaves me in an awkward place--if I just pursue sex without emotion, my husband is happy but I feel gypped. If I allow myself an emotional entanglement, my husband's fears and insecurities are triggered, especially if that someone turns out to be male. I'm trying to be true to myself AND true to my love and my marriage vows (which I promise you said nothing about "forsaking all others.") If our marriage falls apart, we have no kids, no shared assets (no house, no car.) Nothing keeps us together except our love and our history. It's kind of amazing that we choose, every day, to stay together despite our philosophical differences. Right now, I'm just taking it for a ride.....
It's a little over a year and a half since I cast the chains of monogamy, for the first year or so, I found a few people to date effortlessly. But those connections have fallen away, and lately I find myself faced with a dating desert.
I've tried online dating. So far, it hasn't done me much good. I've trial-member-shipped every site out there, before settling on OKCupid, Bisexual Connections, and Swinger's Date Club. I've spelled out that I'm mostly interested in women, but men/couples aren't totally discouraged. So far, online dating hasn't produced a lover, though I have made a couple of Facebook friends.
Tonight I was supposed to meet a guy I've been talking to from S.D.C. I was excited about it all week, texted him last night to confirm, he did, then today when I asked him what time to meet, he asked for a raincheck because he's sick. Ah, feelings of rejection and disappointment, the staple of online dating! Maybe he truly is sick, but I am inclined toward suspicion. I was really looking to forward to a hot date. We were going to go to this sexy desert bar...they have an amazing peanut butter pie and wine glasses rimmed in chocolate. Sigh.
If I learned anything from my ex-lover Coco, it's Do Not Chase. If someone most of the time BEHAVES like they aren't interested in you (doesn't matter what they SAY) best assume they aren't interested in you. I know I can't force a love connection, but I do wish I could manifest it, like, right now. Tonight. However, I'm aware there's some fine line between being able to say "I'm taking my sexuality into my own hands" (telling friends you're available?) and behaving as if desperate and depraved (a Craig'sList ad?)
Though I know it isn't healthy to compare my life to someone else's, especially not my ex's, who was a mess. But she always seemed to have suitors, her life was this revolving door of new love. Of course--and this is where the comparison becomes self-abusive--she's younger than me, more physically attractive, more able to travel outside our small city, and she doesn't come with a husband. On the other hand, her relationships are shallow and destined to fail, while love sticks around in my life in the form of my adorable husband, Arlo. So there.
I'm a love junkie. Seriously. I've spend time on a forum for love addiction, but (I understand that this sounds obvious) they weren't sex positive enough. I went there hoping to find healthier ways to love more-than-one, but they were not supportive of my married-but-dating status. When the moderator of that forum told me I should stop trying to reach a more sexually fulfilled state, and try taking up a hobby instead, I was pretty much out of there.
Husband's at work until late, no date lined up, no number in my phone I feel comfortable using as a booty call. Looks like the only hot loving I'll get tonight is from my vibrator. I'm still going get myself some peanut butter pie, though.
Oh well, a vibrator and peanut butter pie ain't too shabby!
It's hard to be patient when you want a lover in every sense of the word. It sure can take time to find a person who rings most of your bells, sexually, intellectually, spiritually, with shared interests.
I guess I got lucky since I met miss pixi weeks after joining okc. But maybe I was due, since I was just out of a 30 year marriage, the last 8 years of which were very troubled.
However, I also wanted a good man, and that took another 3 years of dating and kissing frogs. Good luck to you! You're young yet. It'll happen.
There's a cute 20-something skater chick who hangs out at my karaoke bar, I flirt with her and she doesn't seem to mind. She once told me she thinks I'm pretty, so that's good. She's met my husband, and I know she recently got dumped by the guy she was dating. Anyway, tequila made me bold last night, and I asked her if she'd go with me sometime to that sexy desert bar down the street (we were talking about how much we liked it.) She replied yes, we could go whenever I like, Facebook her.
Could this be "a date?" It's so hard to tell with women. If a man asks me to hang out (unless he's gay, married to a friends, or a friend of my husband's) I just assume he's interested in me. But with another woman, there's all kinds of vagueness. Not that it wouldn't be fun to bond with skater-girl as just friends over chocolate and wine, but I would love there to be that spark.
Honestly, all my love affairs with other women have been fraught with unrequited feelings and misaligned expectations. My first female love was senior year of high school, Sookie, breaker of many male hearts. We were always flirting, touching, making out in front of each other's boyfriends. The summer before college when my parents were out of town, the night we'd all but said we were going to make love, I confessed that I was in love with her. That changed everything. Though she lay in bed beside me every night for the rest of the week, treating my broken heart with unbelievable gentleness, all making out and flirting ceased, and sex was definitely off the table. I have never suffered such incredibly painful longing as being 18 years old, lying in bed beside Sookie, not allowed to touch her.
Shortly after moving to Manhattan, I met Missy. We were just 20 years old, each other's first female lover. We were joined at the hip for 3 months, then she took a job as a stripper, her personality started to change, she mentioned she'd gone out with some guy, then she just stopped returning my calls. I never got an explanation or closure. I was heartbroken.
Sonya came along the next year, and we made love, fought, and shared other lovers for over a year and a half. She loved me dearly, but not in the same passionate, romantic way she loved Jimmy. During our billionth bout of me weeping because she wanted Jimmy more than me, she told me, "Even if there were no Jimmy, it wouldn't be you. I'm not gay." Being with Sonya, I often had the same feeling of frustrated longing I recognized from my failed attempt at love with Sookie. I could have Sonya's body, and her friendship, but her heart and her passion belonged to a man.
Then, last year, Coco. She made it so clear that I could have her if I wanted her, and I wanted her, so badly I fought to open my marriage. I knew from the first kiss I was going to fall hard. For the first few months, she let me believe she was available for a real relationship with intimacy and responsibility. Really, she just wanted me for a fuckbuddy, and an accessory. I don't know if I should blame my gender, my marital status, or her personality disorder, but I felt she emotionally abused me even worse than she emotionally abused the single guys she dated. The strange, sick longing that overtook me in Coco's presence was familiar from years ago with Sookie and Sonya.
Is it because my mother was rather cool towards me that my pattern with women is so dysfunctional? I attract some amazing bisexual woman, we make love, talk, laugh, emotionally bond and have something that feels like a relationship. I fall in love, and she doesn't. Then I hurt, and I obsess, and I cling. Is her bisexuality different than mine? Is she incapable of loving another woman in that way, or just incapable of loving me? I've had many more relationships with men than I have with women, even bisexual men, and none have been as painful and confusing. What's up with that? Maybe I just understand the game I'm playing with men better. With women, I just surrender.
I will wait a couple of days before Facebooking skater-chick. In the meantime, I will work on deconstructing any expectations I might have. She's much younger than me and might not even be bisexual, and even if she is, she might not be bisexual in the same way I am, and even if she is, she might not choose to be with me. It's cool if nothing ever comes of it, at least I stepped out of my comfort zone. Anything else is cake, right?
What an amazing journey! Congrats to you for really pushing through some adversity and still following your gut feelings.
One of the things that strikes me when I read about Coco Chanel and the possibility with the skater chick, is an issue that I've had to deal with. Something you alluded to in your last paragraph. Only investing yourself to the same or similar depth as your partner.
It's easier said than done and I feel it's a coping mechanism of the younger generation. Before today's "anything goes and we're not sure what that means" generation, you knew that the eventual destination was going down a path towards marriage and while everyone wasn't always invested the same amount, there were tiers of involvement. Tiers like: first date, dating, dating steady, living together, engaged, married etc. They were ways of checking in and seeing if partners agreed.
Now days it's different. Dating a 20 year old has taught me that there's a positive logic to how fluid relationships have become in recent times. People follow how they feel up and down and in and out and to the extent that they want to...not to a tier they didn't want to be. It can work as long as people check in and are honest. But it requires a lot more precision in pulling back on the reigns when you're the one falling head over heels in love.
Can't wait to read more.
@vanquish, yes, that's very true! "Dating" has markedly changed with the millennials, plus if you throw in things like bisexuality, polyamory, FWB's, its no wonder people's intentions get crossed.
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