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-   -   what should I do?first gf is pregnant (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69270)

kyrele28 03-11-2014 03:22 AM

what should I do?first gf is pregnant
 
Need help? I dont know what to do... im dating this guy for almost 3 yrs now.. I really love him regardless of the situation... and recently me, him and his gf of nine years moved in to a better place... were so excited.. bcoz we have our own place now... and to think that we look like a family now...but something came up when they went back from cali... they told me his other half is pregnant... I felt soo sad... and devastated.. I dont know what to do? Im overwhelmed...I came to my senses.. also my bfs mom talked to me regarding this..if Im okay.. to be in this situation... she told me... in the end I would need to let go.. and i dont wanna be in there way... theyre starting a new life now...but my boyfriend told me he doesnt care he would still be there and nothing will ever change... I do love him and I wanna be with him... but somehow im thinking about having my own family like what normal people have.. I dont wanna be the 2nd person always... its really hard to decide.. I really love him and I cant see myself being with anyone... but I cant help to be sad and miserable

GalaGirl 03-11-2014 04:36 AM

I am sorry you struggle.

How about taking it in two parts then? Since you cannot see yourself with anyone new... Just focus on "freedom FROM" ugh at this time. What do you need to get freedom from ugh?

Could worry an out "freedom TO" do new stuff later. You do not have to be doing both parts at once if it is too much right now.

Galagirl

PolyinPractice 03-11-2014 05:38 AM

Wow, that sounds like a pathetic life to live...always feeling like the "second," always depressed over the situation...

Why don't you find someone who you love AND who makes you happy?

Hmm 03-11-2014 06:00 AM

Hey now, relax! Your emotions are overwhelming... take a deep breath :) You can help that you feel sad and miserable. Just relax :) It sounds like you've had a panic attack and you're scared about something that's happened... think about it, though. He's in a relationship with you both. Just because she was "first" doesn't mean she is of first importance!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kyrele28 (Post 261753)
i dont wanna be in there way...

If I were to put myself in your bf's shoes, I'd say something like, probably, hey now! you're not getting in our way :) Talk about it with him, sort things out. What happened that set you off? Was it how sudden it was? Do you feel emotionally uninvolved? As if they're moving on without you? And do those feelings match up with what's happening?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kyrele28 (Post 261753)
I dont know what to do? Im overwhelmed...

I hope it turns out to be nothing much more than just a panic attack scare. Relax and let yourself process the emotions. Try to start to make sense of your feelings once they simmer down some. Talk with the other two about how you feel. If they're serious about wanting it to be a triad, they will I hope find a way to make you feel included.

It's surely something new that will take a lot of time to ponder and explore for you. Try to look on the bright sides and see things from multiple angles. Try to keep in mind: things will be okay. Keep calm and think it through. You can figure it out.

SchrodingersCat 03-11-2014 08:08 AM

It's unrealistic to expect that "nothing will change" when he has a baby. Babies change everything! But it doesn't have to be for the worse. If you still love each other, and if the other gf isn't freaking out on you or anything, then just take it one step at a time.

It's not up to the bf's mom to tell you you'll have to "let go" (assuming that means "leave"). It's not her relationship, she doesn't even get a vote. If you three are happy, that's all that matters.

There's no reason you can't also have kids with him, if that what everyone wants. Lots of people do it. Three years is a long time, a big investment, and if this is the only reason you feel you have to leave, then don't make any rash decisions. Just take it a day at a time, see how things work out, and as always keep talking it out!

Best of luck. Whatever happens, life will work itself out. It always does, if you allow it.

BrigidsDaughter 03-11-2014 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 261768)
It's unrealistic to expect that "nothing will change" when he has a baby. Babies change everything! But it doesn't have to be for the worse. If you still love each other, and if the other gf isn't freaking out on you or anything, then just take it one step at a time.

It's not up to the bf's mom to tell you you'll have to "let go" (assuming that means "leave"). It's not her relationship, she doesn't even get a vote. If you three are happy, that's all that matters.

There's no reason you can't also have kids with him, if that what everyone wants. Lots of people do it. Three years is a long time, a big investment, and if this is the only reason you feel you have to leave, then don't make any rash decisions. Just take it a day at a time, see how things work out, and as always keep talking it out!

Best of luck. Whatever happens, life will work itself out. It always does, if you allow it.

I agree. His mother has no place telling you that you should let the relationship go just because his other girlfriend is pregnant. You should definitely let your boyfriend know is mom was meddling. You guys just got a house and moved in together, so obviously things were going well. You love each other and while the news about a baby is unexpected and has thrown you for a loop, that doesn't mean that you suddenly have to leave.

One of my friends recently moved into a house with his partners (he is in a non-sexual relationship with the male). His partners are going to be having a baby. They've all decided that he will be a stay at home dad for the child while he finishes school and that he will father their girlfriend's next child. His father stopped speaking to him when he told his parents he is poly and introduced his partners to them and you know what? My friend is okay with that. It's the first fight they've ever had, but my friend stood his ground and is happily making home improvements and building a nursery. It's possible to continue to feel loved and included even when your partner is having a child with someone else.

Ariakas 03-11-2014 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 261768)
It's unrealistic to expect that "nothing will change" when he has a baby. Babies change everything! But it doesn't have to be for the worse. If you still love each other, and if the other gf isn't freaking out on you or anything, then just take it one step at a time.

It's not up to the bf's mom to tell you you'll have to "let go" (assuming that means "leave"). It's not her relationship, she doesn't even get a vote. If you three are happy, that's all that matters.
.

Was going to say the same thing. Things will change (thank god, life would suck without change). However it can be for the better. Children change things, being parents change things.. doesn't mean you can't be part of it. But roles change. Even for the people involved. There is bonding between parents and kids, even between parents.. if you stay involved you may see more of that.

BrigidsDaughter 03-11-2014 02:16 PM

Ari - I was hoping you'd post on this since you've recently experienced being poly with a new baby. Maybe you can give the OP some inside to how pregnancy and multiple partners worked in your family?

Ariakas 03-11-2014 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 261783)
Ari - I was hoping you'd post on this since you've recently experienced being poly with a new baby. Maybe you can give the OP some inside to how pregnancy and multiple partners worked in your family?

So, and I am not sure I announced this, but both my wife and my gf have given birth recently. My wife a little over 2 months ago, and my gf .. a few days ago. For those counting, that's 1 2 month old, 1 newborn, 1 2.5 year old, and a 6 year old

Life changes so completely but it can just work. You do end up in some ways pulling back to your original coupling, simply by default, mommy is number 1 and dad runs around trying to help. All the others can do is support where they can in the time they have with other kids and babies. Managing a house with 4 kids in 3 different age categories is a really tough thing.

You have to focus on the baby, and in all honesty the baby doesn't want anyone but mommy (or her boob to be more specific) and the amount of work that goes into support the process of

eat
feed mom
help her sleep
baby poop
baby change
eat
sleep
etc
etc

Is incredible. Its a lot of work for a family. As long as you understand this is all bonding time, you can easily help and contribute. At this stage its all about the baby and momma.

Honestly in my case though, the relationships themselves have .. slowed.. its hard to quantify and it isn't a poly thing, its a relationship thing. The babies take a lot of energy. The poly family dynamic helps that, so we can do what we can to simply relief pressure.

A couple of months in, sleeping is better, sex drives increase (or the energy to take advantage increase), and things start to roll into a normal state (notice I didn't say back to normal).

I know for us we could never get involved with people who didn't understand the above.. being parents change the entire world, and people either can fit into that world, or leave. Friends, family everyone has to learn to adjust their expectations of what I, we, all of us can offer.

Its a wonderful experience, don't exclude yourself by default. I am a dad to 4 kids.. father to 1. You can engrain yourself in their lives by helping during these initial stages. Being pregnant can be a tonne of work too, both of the pregnancies in my family had difficulties, imagine two bed rested women.. Myself and my metamour have been running our assess off for 6 months straight.

You are also going to feel like the dad (thats a phrase from gf during my wifes first couple of months, she finally understood what is was like to be the helpless dad.. we really have nothing on moms.. when that baby cries.. ya.. ). You don't get the mommy bonding, you don't give birth, but you can help, wherever there is help to give.

Good luck.. its a tough choice, do you want to be a parent.. first and then a lover or would you rather be a co primary? Everyone, forever will be and should be secondary to the kids.

BTW did I mention how much work and stress it is. I have had pets of all kinds, I have have uncled, I have been the god father.. etc. I have worked multiple jobs (all in the very high stress category).. I have done it all at the same time.. being a parent is both incredible and quite literally the most difficult stressful thing I have ever done.

ps ignore the mom. Communicate with the couple.. Mom has nothing to do with this.

PSS I have no idea why traditional couples would want kids.. and single parents.. my hats off to you.. thats just insane..

Inyourendo 03-11-2014 04:16 PM

Sounds like this might be a good time to branch off. I personally would not want me to be in your situation. I don't particularly like being around pregnant women but I esp would not like living with someone else's newborn/toddler. Not would I want to do wirh all the stress the parents will have. It would be emotionally overwhelming for me. I wouldn't break up with the Guy you are dating but I would live elsewhere and expect that for a couple years he will have exponentially less time for me


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