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-   -   Husband want me to chose between him and my bf (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69243)

Hoyam 03-08-2014 10:41 AM

Husband want me to chose between him and my bf
 
Well, trying polyamory since 8-10 months, we have been going downwards till the point where my husband (mono) says he want me to chose between him and me boyfriend. I think what was most diffecult was the holliday i had with the bf a month ago. After that i felt like it was only negative, couldn't find positive point with my husband.
In my opinion we have both made mistakes, for people new in poly. I see chances to improve, but he has said to me that he gives me as much time as i need to decide, but that he has closed the door of poly. The last week was terrible for all 3. I realy feel i cannot chose between different kind of love. I feel like i will lose either way. Or my husband, father of our 3 children, my basic, my life (family friends, dreams of the future). Or my boyfriend, who makes me feel alive, who is the kind of love that works addictive, who gives me a passionate kind of love... I am torn! Not only losing one of them but also losing one part of myself.
I realy don't know what to do. I asked my husband to consider new options and while he does that i will prove i can balance more. Since monday (when he told me), i practise that. Also i am so happy that he is willing to go to couples counseling. I found a man who is skilled, who is known with poly and he is able to start next friday!
This gives me hope for finding good results, whatever the good answer will be. I have no idea.
If anyone has good advice, please, cause i don't know what to do!

friskyone4u 03-08-2014 03:07 PM

Hoyam

I guess it is good you found a therapist that you are comfortable with but I have read your previous posts and it appears you came to poly by accident and it was not something that your husband was totally on board with from the beginning. More like he went along to make you happy. I am not sure if your therapy is going to fix that.
The simple fact is that most people, male and female, are not going to be able to adjust to their partner developing not only outside sexual partners but also deep emotional bonds with others unless the idea is totally mutual.Your husband has had eight months to deal with this and it appears he is not one of these people, and I do not think the therapy is going to change that. It seems you are pulling out all stops to try to convince him how great poly is because you are so happy with your new boyfriend.
He may be able to handle the outside sex part, but my guess is what is bothering him the most is sharing you completely for weekends, holidays, etc.
I am sure i may get slammed on this board for questioning that everyone can be comfortable with "compersion", but so be it. Between three kids and all of life's pressures he may want a full time wife. I went through this when my wife decided she wanted outside sexual interactions. I had no problem handing the sex part, and when we started in the "swinging" lifestyle there were no problems at all. She got to act on all her sexual fantasies as long as we stuck with out pre-negotiated boundaries and rules. Then she decide she needed the excitement of the "chase" and behaving as a single person and I found myself with a part time wife. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her it was back to swinging or monogamy or divorce.
I think you would be crazy to dissolve your marraige over this boyfriend, especially if your husband would agree to let you see others if you want to without all the committment to them, but only you can make the decision. It seems he has already made his.
Good luck in therapy.

nycindie 03-08-2014 03:42 PM

Just because your partner says you "have to choose" doesn't mean you have to. You tell them right back, "I won't choose." His issues are his own and he has to deal with them from the inside. Glad you found a poly-friendly therapist.

friskyone4u 03-08-2014 04:57 PM

Hoyam

Just as I expected you got some advice telling you to tell your husband it is my way or the highway and it is your problem buddy. Before you do that I'd make sure you will wind up with your boyfriend or you may find yourself alone and without your kids around.
Good luck

nycindie 03-08-2014 05:28 PM

Jeez, friskyone4u. Couple-centric much?

Not kowtowing a partner's ultimatum and helping them work through their issues and fears in therapy and in partnership with each other is not the same as saying "my way or the highway." Duh.

When you open up a marriage, you have to remember there are other people's hearts and feelings involved. You can't unring a bell.

Eclipse 03-08-2014 07:49 PM

65854822 40
 
I agree totally with frisky.

Most right thinking couples (or triads or quads, or whatever) set certain hardlines when it comes to outside relationships. I definitely wouldn't suggest the childish "This is your problem not mine, NYAH!" approach. It's still possible to keep both relationship from this, but it will take a lighter hand. Outright refusal of your husband's demands will make him resist more or straight-out divorce you.

Sometimes the exertion of control helps a partner feel like they HAVE control. If your husband feels comfortable that he is your primary, you might notice this problem fix itself. Counseling might help a lot with that, it might not. Being resistant and forcing your husband on his ultimatum, that's definitely not going to help unless you want him to walk away.

nycindie 03-08-2014 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclipse (Post 261581)
Most right thinking couples (or triads or quads, or whatever) set certain hardlines when it comes to outside relationships.

Poly is not swinging. I suggest you do a search for "couple privilege" here and on other poly sites.

When someone in a committed partnership has other relationships, why consider them "outside" or a threat to the first existing partnership? That attitude means that anyone else who gets involved with someone in an already-existing relationship is less important and less deserving of respect and consideration. Yecch! The "Couple Plus Another" stance sucks because it is mean, selfish, and arrogant. "Right thinking" - really? Egad.

Inyourendo 03-08-2014 09:01 PM

I've made it clear ti both that I will not choose between either and the one ti give any ultimatums will be the one who chooses to leave. Neither my husband or boyfriend have priority over the other. I won't treat I ne like shit to passify the other

LovingRadiance 03-08-2014 11:59 PM

LONG before poly was EVER a part of my life;
I made it clear to all of my friends and family that if someone has the audacity to write a hard limit in MY life about who I have in my life-they will be the one to exit stage left.

It's TOTALLY ok for someone to say "I love you but I don't want to see/spend time with/associate with xyz".
it is NOT acceptable for them to tell me who I can or can't socialize with.

That said;
If my spouse said to me "this relationship is a problem" I would take some serious time to sit with myself (not with either partner) over the topic.
Because my spice know me and if they think I'm head over heels for someone that isn't healthy for me-they may be right. They also may be wrong-but it's definitely worth serious consideration.

But-I don't do ultimatums in regards to my relationships. I love. We can negotiate time, we can negotiate location. We can not negotiate my heart.

bookbug 03-09-2014 01:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclipse (Post 261581)
I agree totally with frisky.

Most right thinking couples (or triads or quads, or whatever) set certain hardlines when it comes to outside relationships. I definitely wouldn't suggest the childish "This is your problem not mine, NYAH!" approach. It's still possible to keep both relationship from this, but it will take a lighter hand. Outright refusal of your husband's demands will make him resist more or straight-out divorce you.

Sometimes the exertion of control helps a partner feel like they HAVE control. If your husband feels comfortable that he is your primary, you might notice this problem fix itself. Counseling might help a lot with that, it might not. Being resistant and forcing your husband on his ultimatum, that's definitely not going to help unless you want him to walk away.

Acquiescing to her husband's ultimatum will not fix the issue and is only likely to drive them even further apart. Run this scenario: she cuts all contact with boyfriend. She is sad. Maybe she can't hide her sadness. So he has what he thinks he wants, but still feels rejected. He becomes even more resentful. Say she can hide her sadness. Not being able to be honest, hiding feelings, the marriage becomes a total sham. She withdraws and becomes resentful.

It would be totally understandable if the husband stated that he had tried and could not do poly, so he was bowing out. But he will gain nothing by coercion.


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