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-   -   Control (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69237)

newpoli 03-08-2014 12:55 AM

Control
 
Hello everyone. I'm new here (and to poly) and just wondering about something. How much control do you exert over your partner's other relationships or do you allow them to exert over your relationships?

Control perhaps is not the correct term. If you have a better one for me I'd appreciate hearing it.

Thanks!

Dagferi 03-08-2014 01:03 AM

None..

Marcus 03-08-2014 01:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newpoli (Post 261502)
Hello everyone. I'm new here (and to poly) and just wondering about something. How much control do you exert over your partner's other relationships or do you allow them to exert over your relationships?

Control perhaps is not the correct term. If you have a better one for me I'd appreciate hearing it.

Thanks!

Control is probably the appropriate word for what you are describing.

My partners don't work for me, they don't do my bidding, they aren't my kids or my pets... so I exert no control over how they choose to conduct their relationships.

JaneQSmythe 03-08-2014 01:17 AM

I don't have "control" over who my partner's date. I give feedback on my thoughts and impressions and they may take those into account (I also give my non-sexual friends my impressions when we talk about their relationships). Much in the same way we don't control who the others are friends with - it's nice if everyone gets along and we can hang out BUT some of my friends are just friends with me, etc. (everyone is civil to everyone else - but each friendship is different, no one has to hang out with someone they find irritating or boring just because I happen to be friends with them).

If my partners behavior affects me then we talk about what has to change in OUR relationship to keep things healthy (i.e. if we need more "together time" or someone is slacking in their responsibilities). Obviously this may effect things in their other relationships...say I want my husband to go to a family function as my support person and another partner wants him for a date night (or a friend wants him for a get together). It is up to HIM to negotiate each of HIS relationships' needs/wants. Just as it is my responsibility to take into account each of my partners' needs/wants (as well as my OWN!).

newpoli 03-08-2014 01:24 AM

Further questions
 
Do you put limits on how often they can see their partners? Or when they can see each other? Or do you put limits on how their physical relationship can progress? I'm trying determine if I'm just reacting poorly to my circumstances because I am inexperienced or if there's something else going on that should be raising red flags for me.

Marcus 03-08-2014 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newpoli (Post 261510)
Do you put limits on how often they can see their partners? Or when they can see each other? Or do you put limits on how their physical relationship can progress? I'm trying determine if I'm just reacting poorly to my circumstances because I am inexperienced or if there's something else going on that should be raising red flags for me.

Newpoli, if you are looking for insight regarding what is going on with your particular situation you might be better off giving an example of what is going on. Are you looking for some kind of information in particular? You've gotten a few responses already.

Otherwise, re-asking your original question is very unlikely to prompt any more enlightening responses.

PolyinPractice 03-08-2014 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newpoli (Post 261510)
Do you put limits on how often they can see their partners? Or when they can see each other? Or do you put limits on how their physical relationship can progress? I'm trying determine if I'm just reacting poorly to my circumstances because I am inexperienced or if there's something else going on that should be raising red flags for me.

You can put whatever restrictions you like; but if they seem unfair your partner will either resent or ignore them. I don't have any problem with putting restrictions on physical behavior; though I do find it pointless. It's not what I consider "poly," though it does seem to qualify as non-monogamy. You're going to find you run into even more problems, however, if you try to control his emotions.

newpoli 03-08-2014 01:53 AM

Good Point
 
Good point Marcus. Thanks for the advice.

So a bit more about my situation...

I am new to poly, but through the advice of a friend finally took the leap into a poly relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend Z for six months. I feel like his wife has controlled most every step of our relationship. At first we were not allowed to see each other more than twice a week. Our physical relationship was basically stalled because she didn't feel that she was ready for us to have sex. Overnights are not allowed.

Slowly most of these things have relaxed. Overnights still are not allowed, except for one time when she was having a weekend away with her other husband. While some things have relaxed I still feel like if I go to their house for a date we are not on a date. I do not feel very welcome or comfortable there because she will tell him later that she didn't feel like she got enough of her time.

I am just trying to figure out if these are things that I need to learn to accept as I journey into poly or if these are things that should be red flags.

Marcus 03-08-2014 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newpoli (Post 261518)
I am just trying to figure out if these are things that I need to learn to accept as I journey into poly or if these are things that should be red flags.

That was mondo helpful.

If you browse around a bit on these forums you will find that there are many different flavors of poly.

Among the hierarchical poly folks there is more acceptance of titles like "primary/secondary" and rules governing what partners are allowed to do. This sounds like what the poly couple you are involved with is practicing. The other extreme of the spectrum are the folks who make no demands of any kind on their partners relationships and who consider any jealousy/envy issues to be largely that persons issue to deal with.

If I were you, I would focus less on what your partner is doing and more on what you want out of a relationship and then seeking that out.

LovingRadiance 03-08-2014 02:26 AM

None.
We do have agreements based upon our joint responsibilities (kids, household, pets etc) about how much time any of us spends AWAY.
But there is no limit on partners coming over.

So for example; if my husband wanted to leave-he's limited to being gone 2 nights a week. But if his girlfriend wanted to come over, she could come over any time.
Thus-they could see each others 7 days a week. But only 2 of them away.

When all of the kids are grown-these things may change.

BUT They aren't rules I put on him or he put on me. They are expectations we have for ourselves regarding our current responsibilities.


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