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-   -   What happens if it's too early? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69181)

PolyinPractice 03-06-2014 12:02 AM

What happens if it's too early?
 
I know you're supposed to wait until your marriage/relationship is strong before you open it up? But what happens if you just open it too early and don't realize? What if you only realize all the insecurities AFTER one of the parties in the couple meets someone?

Basically, how do you KNOW you're ready?

kdt26417 03-06-2014 02:20 AM

Wow, that's a puzzler. How indeed do you know you're ready? In absolute terms, you don't. You just make the best guess you can based on the information currently available to you.

If you think your marriage (or other "original relationship") is on good footing and then open the relationship ... only then to find out that it has cracks and weaknesses ... Hmmm, I actually think that commonly happens. Polyamory is infamous for applying a spotlight to cracks and weaknesses not previously known in the original relationship.

So first of all, I guess my advice would be don't panic. Just apply the brakes a little and give yourself more time and breathing room. Start working on the weaknesses that you've newly discovered in the original relationship. In the meantime, I tend to think it's alright to keep the relationship open -- just add caution to the way you keep it open, and you may need to negotiate some new (perhaps/probably temporary) rules to the "agreement to open" just to be safe.

But no I don't think you can *know* you're ready. There's a certain amount of intuition (and limited experience) involved in making these judgment calls. Usually not the end of the world if you find out you jumped the gun, although it does depend on the specifics of your situation.

Hope that helps.

RisksManager 03-06-2014 02:38 AM

You don't. And then you do. And so on.
 
The simple answer to "how do you know you're ready?" is: when you both think you are.
You will never know you are, and chances are you are actually not aware to all the implications. I have never met a couple that didn't go through this phase.
For what it worth, my two cents are: take it slowly, keep communicating and be sensitive.
And be ready for the roller coaster ride of your life, at least when you start.

Good luck.

bookbug 03-06-2014 01:08 PM

Not sure there is an absolute way to know for sure. Probably the best indicator is how well people communicate. Can you be totally honest with your partner, sharing every thought and emotion without fear of backlash? Can you discuss issues - including emotional reactions - calmly and logically?

InsaneMystic 03-08-2014 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 261275)
I know you're supposed to wait until your marriage/relationship is strong before you open it up?

Who set that rule? :confused:

With me, it's more like "open from day one, or the relationship simply does not happen".

nycindie 03-08-2014 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 261275)
I know you're supposed to wait until your marriage/relationship is strong before you open it up? But what happens if you just open it too early and don't realize? What if you only realize all the insecurities AFTER one of the parties in the couple meets someone?

Basically, how do you KNOW you're ready?

Since I, like many others here, practice solo poly, I won't address the questions that are geared only toward couples. But as far as knowing when you're ready for a polyamorous situation, I would say one good way to gauge your readiness is whether you feel compersion or not.

If you can truly be happy and excited for one of your partners to be involved, in love, sexual, and sharing intimacy of all kinds with another person, independent of their relationship with you, then I'd say you're ready. If you're quivering in fear and insecurities, or giving into competitiveness and paranoia that they're going to leave you, and wanting to control everything they can or cannot do, then you probably need to do some inner work first.

Inyourendo 03-08-2014 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 261275)
I know you're supposed to wait until your marriage/relationship is strong before you open it up? But what happens if you just open it too early and don't realize? What if you only realize all the insecurities AFTER one of the parties in the couple meets someone?

Basically, how do you KNOW you're ready?

All the security and talk really can't prepare you for how you might feel when things open up.


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