Hello all :-)
Hi all, I'm a newbie here and I have an issue I'd dearly like to get resolved as amicably as possible.
I met a woman last year (January) who revealed on our first date that she was married, and that she had what she called a 'free card', which she'd negotiated years back with husband due to his numerous infidelities.
Although I would not normally mix it with a married couple, we hit it off big time, and were having excellent sex or more a week, and this was initially with his blessing. Anyway the sex was so good, and we got on so well, that we fell in love with each other.
She made the mistake of telling hubby this (it seems he was OK with it as long as it was 'just sex') and he then became very jealous of us. So from that time on, about a year ago, we could only have sex in secret at times when he was away from her.
Anyway, although she says she still loves me it seems that I'm now in the "friend zone", firstly because of the difficulties she has getting away from him (they are from South East Asia, she's studying, he was a student but is now just killing time till her course finishes) and secondly, because he has now upped his game, realise everything he'd been missing out on, and bombarded her with affection and sex for the past 2 months.
So, we had a bit of a row a couple of weeks ago and she suspected me of 'only wanting her for sex', and something along the lines of 'prove you want me for a friend'.
And now it feels like I've been edged out, and although I see them often and even socialise (I'm now a "friend of the family", no less, they have a 14 year old boy), it's just not the same just being close but apart, and I'm finding it all bit unbearable.
What should I do?
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Jeezh, I don't know that you have a lot of options. First of all, it seems unwise to continue having sex behind the husband's back, that's cheating (and usually leads to a trainwreck). Secondly, I don't know what kind of evidence she's looking for when she asks you to prove you want her for a friend? Don't know if you could just come right out and ask her what would prove it to her?
I have a feeling the sex with her will have to stop (at least) for awhile, and you'll have to "prove" that you accept your place "in the friend zone" even though you'd like more. I also think that sooner or later, you'd have to resolve with her husband the "problem" of you and her being in love. If he can't make peace with it, I don't see how the romance between you and her can survive, unless she's going to divorce him? and I doubt that'll happen (nor do we want it to happen).
I know it sucks and is painful, but most of this situation is beyond your control. There's no magic wand that can make him and her change their minds about how they feel. They have to work on that process themselves, if that's what they want to do. Perhaps you could try some more communicating with her? better communication, at a peaceful time without distractions, when you're both prepared to talk, and even more importantly, to listen.
Try that and see what comes out of future conversations with her. And eventually, future conversations with both her and him. Keep us posted ...
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Yes, I realise that it's effectively cheating on him, but it has been her choice to do so, and I think behind it all has been her motive to get back at him and teach him a lesson. He was really a complete bastard back around the time of their wedding, actually fucking his best friend's wife a few days before the ceremony (she only found this out long after the ceremony and when their child had been born), then a succession of further secret affairs so I never felt much guilt about what we were doing.
I kind of guessed things would eventually develop this way, and I feel that I've been a 'pawn in their game' now she now has what she ultimately wanted all along (with his realising what a gem she is).
It's just that behind it all, I don't think leopards change their spots and as soon as they get back to their home country he'll be back to his cheating again (he's actually pretty famous there, on TV and gets loads of offers from attractive young females).
You really just have to make a decision about what's really worth it to you, and what odds it's worth gambling on. I can see the rationalization for the cheating and I don't even strongly object to it, I'm just saying that a cheating situation carried on indefinitely (no exit strategy) is likely to come to light sooner or later (i.e. you're likely to get caught). So that would be an additional headache you'd have to cope with (on top of the heartache). I don't mean to tell you how you should live your life but I do advise a whole lot of caution (and some kind of exit strategy perhaps).
I guess when I say exit strategy I mean a point in time when the husband here would make peace with you and his wife being in love (emotionally committed) and openly permit the two of you to continue having sex with each other in spite of the emotional entanglement. That and, some kind of timetable as to the longest amount of time you're willing to risk the having sex in secret while waiting for the husband to come around.
It must complicate things when they're returning to their home country soon? Will you try to keep the relationship going at that point? an LDR, perhaps? Will you do a lot of traveling to visit her? Just curious, ignore any/all questions where I'm getting too snoopy.
I kind of get the idea that she'll probably divorce him eventually? then hopefully move in with you? something to that effect. I guess it's possible. Would/will you indeed want that, I guess is my only remaining question.
Sounds like a messed-up situation; I hope it works out alright.
You're definitely right when you say it's a messed-up situation... it has really only persisted this long because of my obsession with her. Thing is, it's not like your normal triangle because he knows me, and likes me as a friend (sounds weird but is true). We never discuss her, mainly because he is scared to do so (he's a bit of an ostrich about the whole thing and doesn't want any confrontations).
And as for 'getting caught', he knows it has been going on and could have intervened on pretty much any occasion, but has avoided it.
Anyway, for now sex is off the agenda and I am looking elsewhere - I have a feeling that when things get easier for her (less time pressure with her studies, and him away from home) then we'll be back at it again, if I haven't found someone else in the interim. She may be somebody I end up with in a few years time when their son has grown up and they divorce... whatever.
Thanks for your input on this, and I think I will just count my lucky stars for now for some of the best times and the best sex I've had in my life :)
Absolutely -- no regrets. You guys have shared some wonderful times.
Good luck and I just hope you'll all end up reasonably satisfied with things.
Let her go.
It'll happen, but very slowly..
Just the way it is.
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