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-   -   What shall we/ I do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69139)

Melkatze 03-03-2014 12:21 AM

What shall we/ I do?
 
Namaste,

my name is Mel and I am with my boyfriend togther for round about 7 months.

He is falling in love with another girl right now and she loves him as well.

He also loves me and I love him and he does not want to loose me.

But he also does not want to loose her so he cannot tell her about our connection. I am a "secret".

I think it is not fair in a way for her, as well.

I do not like to behave in an "unnatural" way so that she does not find out about our connection.

He is scared that he will lose her and he will destroy something between them because he thinks she cannot "share" him with me.

So either he chooses her and then I realize that our connection did not have such a meaning for him as for me.
Or he is honest to her because he really does not want to leave me but is for polyamory, right?

For shared thoughts from people who can understand that, would be very nice. Thank you very much.

Kind regards

Spiritowl 03-03-2014 01:09 AM

Seven months seems short. I am not judging harshly, just from my past experience. If he cannot tell her about you.... There seems to be an issue here . He seemed to have no trouble telling YOU his feelings for HER....

That may just be because you are more open and he knows that it it may mean more. Just a thought.

Being a secret is no fun. I have been a secret before... It is a hard road to travel. You will need to decide if it is worth the risk and reward.

If you deside to remain with him as a secret, even if just for a time, you will need to really focus on yourself. Being that person behind the scenes is rough and you can get anxious quickly and suffer emotionally because of it.

Confidence is key. If you can confidently be there when you are able and be the 'quiet mouse' when you need to be then you may be ok...

But then there is the deception issue.... But that goes along with what I said first. It may mean something that he can tell you but not her.

You know your guy, pay attention and learn him more. Weigh your options.

GreenAcres 03-03-2014 11:32 PM

Being a secret isn't poly, it's cheating, and it's intentionally hurting and dehumanizing someone else. She is a human being, with a right to make her own choices about what is right for her in a relationship. If he is worried he'll lose her, then he already knows that it's unlikely she'd be okay in this relationship style, and is electing to selfishly take that choice from her. Assuming you are sexually active with him and so is she, he is also taking away her right to make decisions about her sexual health.

Would you want someone to do that to you? Treat others are you would want to be treated. And, do you want a partner who is willing to lie and deceive someone he professes to love, who is willing to be so selfish as to take away major life decisions without that person even knowing there is a decision to be made?

There are many forms of poly, and it's very fluid; but, cheating is never poly.

Tiberius 03-04-2014 01:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenAcres (Post 261096)
Being a secret isn't poly, it's cheating, and it's intentionally hurting and dehumanizing someone else.

This. A vitally important part of being poly is being honest with everyone involved. By not telling the other woman about you, he is lying and deceiving her.

nycindie 03-04-2014 01:48 AM

He is lying and cheating. I would not allow myself to be with someone who is doing what he is doing. He is hurting you both just to be selfish and get what he wants. Can you trust someone so dishonest that he would hurt another person like he is hurting her, and you? It is not a loving thing to lie to people you care about. If I were you, I would tell him to tell her the truth or else I am gone.

Melkatze 03-09-2014 01:15 AM

Thank you for all these answers. I split up with him. He never loved me the way I loved him. I was suffering the whole half year I was with him. I loved him but it did not work with us. It is sad, but that's life...

Tiberius 03-09-2014 03:04 AM

Hugs. It hurts, but it is for the best.

GalaGirl 03-09-2014 04:25 AM

*hug*

In the long run? Probably for the best since you felt ugh being there and he was being less than honest. That's not a strong foundation for a 2 people thing, much less a 3 people thing!

I'm sorry you feel ugh right now though. Hope you heal soon from the suffering and can move on with grace into something more fulfulling. :o

Namaste,
Galagirl


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