Polyamory.com Forum

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-   -   Hi I'm Dylan nice to meet you all. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69089)

itsmedylan 02-26-2014 07:34 PM

Hi I'm Dylan nice to meet you all.
I'm not much of a newbie to polyamory the ideas or the desire of it. It wasn't to me a choice at all. I just knew it worked for me. I mean it's pretty obvious in preschool when I played house. I had 10 girlfriends, but most people thought I was being silly. Deep down I am serious bout it, I found out more how it was much stronger than just a need or a want of the type of relationship. It's a way of life, something I truly needed. I enjoyed groups being around friends had my best memories and been much more happy with more than just one person in any situations. Not just dating someone I enjoyed being a a girl I dated and her friends even if I wasn't interested in them the fact it was a group thing was cool to me. I'm very well intelligent bout many types of relationships. I just struggle even with open and happy of the type of love I feel is right for me, and my orientation, it's hard to find anyone by my because I am very young at 20 to know bout this, but who cares. I knew it worked, I tried mono relationships, they all failed because of the other person. I never cheated was quite respectful of myself and them. I just was myself and myself alone. I lost one relationship for making mistakes talking bout it. I really cared, for this girl, but even if I wanted another female in and she didn't I didn't ever break her trust. I didn't cheat, I didn't want to disrespect her, because I was a true friend to me at least. The thing is, I've never met any other female that thought like I did. I knew bout this all my life, had recently come to terms with it, now struggling being the odd man out. It's not just being poly, but the fact I was ridiculed by a lesbian who I didn't know who brought it up. I love the gay community and accept anyone so this wasn't bout her at all, just her ignorance on it, that I have to be gay myself to be poly amorous is very untrue. So I can't be straight and be poly amorous to bi girl triad is that never possible? Then she went on saying I have to have another guy, which I don't want to get personal why I know it doesn't work. It's nothing bad either, I know it just doesn't work I told her that for me then she says, "well you are hopeless and you'll just to be stuck being mono and straight." I feel horrible every time someone says that to me, it's like my feelings of being who I want to be is not valid because it's not normal to anyone where I live or close to gay or straight. I've received a lot of flac being straight and poly. I'm nothing like anything they've told me, I'm not a sex addict, I enjoy it a lot, but doesn't mean poly life is sex addiction that's completely untrue. Sex addiction by definition is using sex in a harmful way to self and others for the sake of the pleasure of sex as a coping mechanism. Sex isn't evil or bad, just can get very harmful when used incorrectly and especially projected onto others. I've know what I need is two female triad maybe 3 at the most. I am open to either or, I really want true friendships. I don't mind how it grows, I don't mind. I treat a poly relationship like I had with a mono, except now I can be comfortable truly just being me. It's not a choice to me, it's how I wanted it since the beginning. I have no problem with the jealousy. I get mad or jealous from stupid stuff like people being dishonest not communicating and things I suffered a lot in a mono relationship. I don't want a poly relationship to be a way for me to have one and have one girl rat the other. That's impractical and stupid as well. I mean I think you get what I am saying, I just have not met any community ever where I live in my tristate. Most of them are much older than me and it's very very small. I feel really out of place. I just hope to find it ever. I won't stop till I do. I don't know what do you guys think?

JaneQSmythe 02-27-2014 03:39 AM

I think it sounds like you know who you are and what you are looking for. We do have some younger posters here . Some are just figuring themselves out after being exposed to the concept for the first time, others (like you, and like me when I was your age) already know that the idea of poly makes sense for themselves and are seeking others. In the "big city" near me there is a specific Meet-Up group for "young" polys (under 40 :D). You may want to look for something like that in your area (depending on where you live that is...)

You are absolutely right that it is possible to be straight and poly! We have plenty of straight poly's here (of both genders, although the stereotype is that all poly women are bi - this is not true!). You are also right that poly is NOT the same as sex addiction (although, unfortunately, some people do use the "disguise" of poly to pursue sex in unethical/unhealthy ways:cool: - predators are predators no matter what labels they choose to use).

Just a few points to ponder - it sounds, from the hints in your post, that your ideal may be a FMF triad - you and two bisexual women. Do you envision this to be a "closed" triad or would each person be free to see other people (of whatever gender)? Would your partners necessarily have to be bisexual and involved with each other? What if they were bi but NOT involved with each other? What if they were straight and had another boyfriend, or were already married? Or if they were bi and had a lesbian partner who had no interest in you/men?

I put this out there because Vee's seem to be a much more common configuration than truly stable Triads. If you restrict your dating pool to ONLY bi-poly-women-who-are-into-each-other-and-you then you are restricting yourself to a very small subset of an already small subset.

The best advice that I have would be to know yourself, be yourself, be honest...and let yourself be open to whatever relationships/people/configurations come your way - you might find ultimate happiness in some way that you never even thought of.

PS. By the way, some other posters may find it easier to read your post if you add some paragraph breaks...it's easier on the eyes.:p (You can still edit your post for 12 hours after you submit it - after that it is locked.)

kdt26417 02-27-2014 07:22 AM

Greetings Dylan,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Count me as another "straight poly," and both of my poly companions fit that category as well. The Life stories and blogs board might be useful here, it will help illustrate just how varied and diverse the poly population is. There's all kinds of people, and all kinds of configurations.

Also we do have a Dating & Friendships subforum that might be helpful to you in your search for poly companions. But just don't be discouraged, as finding the right people is a process that can take quite a while, you have to be patient.

I "have a handy tool chest" with more links and information if there's more that you feel might be helpful. But at first you might consider just looking around on our site, and seeing what various people have to say. You can also post thoughts and questions along the way, of course.

Glad you could join us.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

itsmedylan 02-27-2014 11:12 AM

Thanks a lot. I am open minded bout having it open, it's just that, I know the main thing I don't want is it to actually be in the middle of it happening. When things are growing naturally and that they bring in other guys and me not being prepared or feeling comfortable with it. I only said that, because I can for some and have to give it time to let it happen, but some others with male. I just can't I know it seems crazy, but I can't describe it sorry that's the best I can give. It's not that it's any kind of anxiety or guys put in the mix, it's like I just shut down and when I have the feelings in there they just go out the door. Not like I don't care, it's just that it's really numb and it doesn't work because it's like this isn't for me. It's not that I want to make restrictions and I want it to flourish, but this is one of those things I don't know if it will ever be helped in or out of the relationship. I know the women don't have to be bi either, all I want is everyone to be comfortable before we go anywhere further with this. It's all I Can really do. I'm loving the support thankyou

Also I live Cincinnati, which is a huge city, but all I see are for couples that are 40 and up. I have not seen anything and don't know where or what or who to talk to.

kdt26417 02-27-2014 11:04 PM

Some ways/means of finding more poly groups in your area ...
Also you can google "Ohio polyamory" and "Cincinnati polyamory" and see if any local poly groups appear in the results list. All of this may only yield a short list of options, but there are other ideas we can discuss as well.

itsmedylan 02-27-2014 11:40 PM

thoufand neirodu
Something very weird, I saw all the links in my location and they were either no updates since 2010 or 2011 and or the links were broken. This is very weird, I don't know what to think of this. It's cincinnati, I don't know. I look at all the links, and when I saw the group members at the time for most are either 200 - 300 members over all. It made me very skeptical may explain why I have not seen anything when I looked on locally and have not found a thing. I'm not sure ?:confused:

kdt26417 02-28-2014 12:04 AM

Well there are other options. Is your heart set on finding a poly group or is connecting with one person at a time okay too? There's a couple of good dating sites, as well as just connecting with people who are open-minded/poly-friendly if not (yet) poly per se.

Polyamory.com is itself a social setting (a poly "group" of sorts) but spread all over the world. But right now we are looking for ways for you to find people who live in your area.

itsmedylan 02-28-2014 03:07 PM

son nlancert
Thank you. Very much appreciated. :)

kdt26417 03-01-2014 01:31 AM

LOL, okay, here's those other pointers FWIW.
... and

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
... and even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

And if all that should fail (for whatever reason) ... there's the extreme-but-intersting idea of moving to a poly-friendly city (a city with a large active poly population, many poly groups, etc.). It's a short list -- just seven cities -- but they're spread around the country. You won't be surprised to hear that Cincinnati's *not* on that particular list. :)

I even know of some Poly Percs posts/threads on the subject of finding other people, finding poly dates, etc. ... which I'll post upon request. Just wanna make sure it'd be info you'd be likely to want to try to use. I always wait for a go-ahead before posting such lists because, hey, don't want to post stuff you'd have no significant use for.

I suppose the bottom line is that finding local poly (and poly-friendly) people to connect with can be a challenging and painstaking process. Polyamory is still barely beginning to appear on the map of public awareness. It's not yet well-known enough and nationally-organized enough to make it easy to meet poly people anytime, anywhere. It takes time and patience to ferret poly souls out of the woodwork. I was recently living in Albuquerque which is no small city. Yet that city has just one local poly group, and for several years it had none. As for the whole rest of New Mexico -- an entire State now mind you -- there was ever only just one other poly group, in Santa Fe. I've actually heard Columbus Ohio has a little poly activity but I can't confirm that beyond spreading a rumor.

You have to be very thorough in your search if you're serious about getting together with poly people. All the links and advice in the world is just stuff on your screen if it doesn't "put poly at your fingertips" like you hoped it would. I think someday poly people will be easy to find in any city, any area. But that day is not today.

So do tap into the info provided on this thread, but don't be in too much of a hurry. Take advantage of all you can learn on Polyamory.com, so that when you do find/meet someone, you'll already have a good idea of how to go about building your own successful poly relationship. There's so much to learn about that subject; I can't overstate that.

Good luck and let us know how things are going, okay?
Kevin T.

itsmedylan 03-02-2014 01:46 AM

quick question, what about Nashville tennessee, because I'm going to college there for music production soon? I'm not sure

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