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-   -   Do you fight? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69080)

FarAwayLover 02-25-2014 04:02 PM

Do you fight?
So does the great communication of a good poly (or mono, for that matter) relationship mean you don't have fights?

B and I had a knock down, drag out fight yesterday that made me think about all the comments I've read about how a relationship should be solid before you open it up.

Of course (yeah, sure...), this morning he says I was right, but I'm still getting over it.

And to clarify, he had his first colonoscopy yesterday, so maybe it was all about the drugs. But we do have other disagreements that are not calm, rational discussions, and I was wondering how disagreements work for other folks.




M - Me female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
B - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
JP - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
A - 65? - JP's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things

JaneQSmythe 02-25-2014 04:58 PM

I think that really depends on the people involved and their "fighting style".

Throughout our 20+ years together, MrS and I have a BIG fight about once every 18 months - they are rare enough that they get names (usually based on something that happened during the fight - "The Jelly Donut Incident of 1997" "The Broken Chandelier Battle of 2008" etc.) - most of these end in laughter and reconciliation and we can't remember what started it. We have had about 3 "serious" fights in all that time - where wounds were uncovered that really needed to be addressed, so we addressed them.

Dude and I bicker and spat all the time (which makes MrS uncomfortable - that is not his style at all). We are both stubborn, bullheaded, intellectual-debate sorts - and these "discussions" can get rather heated. It's only when it devolves into condescending tones and sarcasm that MrS starts squirming and asks us to knock it off. Our "real" conflicts are sorted out with more serious and measured conversation - usually with an agenda and bullet points...

Lotus and I have yet to have any conflict between the two of us (and I don't know how that would even look...we tend to have more broad reaching conversations about life and conflict in general and our relationships with each of the boys).

BrigidsDaughter 02-25-2014 05:06 PM

Yes, we fight. Sometimes we fight over miscommunication, sometimes over assumptions, and sometimes just because we've had a bad day and need to yell at someone. Sometimes Runic Wolf and Wendigo fight as well. This happened a few months ago, when Runic Wolf and I were arguing and Wendigo noticed he was upset at work. He tried to find out what was wrong and Runic Wolf shut him out in a way that triggered Wendigo. Sometimes it isn't about lack of communication but about being conscious of sending and receiving. They sorted it out, but not before I had to step in and point out how what Runic Wolf had said (and the way he said it) must have sounded to Wendigo.

For us, we can individually have calm, rational discussions, and think we've got everything sorted, then someone gets triggered and we have a not so calm, irrational, emotional argument, which leads to a calmer, but deeper discussion. Runic Wolf is bi-polar and often tells me that just because he knows what he is feeling is irrational, doesn't make it feel any less real to him and that emotions aren't rational. So sometimes we need to have a fight so that he'll open up about what irrational thoughts are running rampant through his head ripping open all the old wounds to his psyche. He likes to think that he's protecting me from the darkness and being noble battling it all in his head, but I explained to him that it doesn't feel that way to us when he isn't able to keep it in his head and it spills out over our relationship, his friendship with Wendigo, and my relationship with Wendigo.

BrigidsDaughter 02-25-2014 05:09 PM

I'm also with Jane on the bickering. Runic Wolf and I bicker constantly, usually playfully. We've even made a game of doing it while grocery shopping just to see how the cashier reacts.

GalaGirl 02-25-2014 05:10 PM

Conflict resolution wise, I'm collaborative style and DH is accommodating style most of the time. If pushed to limits, I can go competitive Volcano Lady and he goes into Avoidant Mr Clam. But that's pretty rare.

Don't really have big shouty things or bickering lower key things. When we disagree we usually can talk it through and arrive at resolution.


LovingRadiance 02-25-2014 06:17 PM

We used to have huge holy wars.
We have since changed some of our communication techniques (more due to college classes on the topic than poly) and we haven't had a "knock down drag out fight" in a couple years.
But we still have major disagreements and they require time outs and days of discussion (followed by time outs and consideration of points made) and sometimes written parts (to avoid verbal blow outs).

GG and I have been in the midst of a major disagreement for nye on a year now. Making slow progress through it-but it's still there. We just don't throw things and yell and scream about it.

Dagferi 02-25-2014 07:36 PM

We have occassional fights.

Nothing knock down drag out in a long time.

I have learned to pick my battles with Murf. He will take me head on and is my match in the stubbornness department. Butch will take me on to but will take the higher road to nip a fight in the bud to stop things from escalating.

bofish 02-25-2014 09:14 PM

We fight often due to miscommunication.

My husband and his GF have never had an agruement. He tells me that he is fearful there are many unresolved issue that lie right there, but no one brings up.

I think problems need to be address. Sometimes that takes a fight.

Vinccenzo 02-25-2014 11:13 PM

Thank you for asking this when you did. My BF and I had a serious argument today and upon reading this, I am stunned to realize just how different I behave when in conflict with him from when I am in conflict with my husband. With BF, I can feel hurt and very passionate about my position but I remain level headed and it doesn't get sarcastic or condescending. However, my husband and I struggle to avoid outright yelling and name calling. I bicker more with BF and avoid conflict more with husband. Hmmm. Very interesting....

Marcus 02-26-2014 01:05 AM


Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 260532)
I think that really depends on the people involved and their "fighting style".

So true. I've had two relationships, my most recent with IV and a girlfriend some years ago in which there were never any "fights". I was with IV for 2 years and was with AD for probably about the same. There were disagreements but it was all stuff that could be resolved more or less.

Otherwise, my relationships have been more than capable of having knock down drag out brawls. Over the years it's embarrassing how many times voices have been raised and hurt feelings were hoarded for WAY too long.

Personally this tells me that I've only had two girlfriends I was actually compatible with and the rest were just good in bed, attractive, or whatever.

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