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-   -   Trust issues with my BF (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69078)

Poly85 02-25-2014 12:55 PM

Trust issues with my BF
 
I am new with poly and in my first relationship since my husband and I decided to try it out. Every thing has been going great with the new guy for the last 3mos till now. I have been feeling like he has been hiding things from me. Our only rule is to be honest and open. He is free to date others, but I want to know about it. I have asked on a few occasions if there is anyone at all that he is slightly interested in or even kissed. I know how bad this is going to sound and how I should respect his privacy, but I snooped in his phone. I found out that he has indeed been lying. He has gone on a couple of recent dates. He has made out with someone and told them that he wants to have sex with them. He tells me I am the only one he wants and that there is no one else. So after that I asked yet again and same answers. And he has plans to meet up with some girl he met online.
Should I give him some time to see if he comes clean on his own till I confront him? If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!

nycindie 02-25-2014 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poly85 (Post 260506)
If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!

Well, so what - perhaps he doesn't put up with his privacy being invaded. Are you going to confess to the terrible transgression and flagrant overstepping of his personal boundaries that you committed while you grill him for information?

Poly85 02-25-2014 02:31 PM

Yes, I will tell him how I found out about his lies. If he would have respected me enough to be honest with me I wouldn't have invaded his privacy. He knows I know his password and I have told him that I am the type to snoop if lied to. I gave plenty of warning about what lying will do. I have been completely honest with him and I expect the same in return.

Dagferi 02-25-2014 03:02 PM

Why in the hell would he trust you when you don't trust him.

Besides you have been together 3 months. He doesn't know you. You have not seen each other at your worst. If you are this disrespectful now I can't imagine what you are like when you are past the honeymoon stage.

Poly85 02-25-2014 03:35 PM

Is lying to my face not just as disrespectful?
As long as people respect me enough to be honest, then I give them the same respect. I would say the honeymoon phase is over at this point.
I know he will be pissed about me disrespecting his privacy, but at least I know that i judged him wrong and he is not the guy I thought he was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 260517)
Why in the hell would he trust you when you don't trust him.

Besides you have been together 3 months. He doesn't know you. You have not seen each other at your worst. If you are this disrespectful now I can't imagine what you are like when you are past the honeymoon stage.


london 02-25-2014 03:46 PM

What would you have done if you didn't find anything?

Personally, I decided some time ago that if I felt the need to check my partner's phone for confirmation, the relationship is ruined anyway. The trust isn't there regardless of the truth. That's the issue.

Poly85 02-25-2014 03:54 PM

You are right. I told him about a month ago that I didn't trust him. I should have just gone with my gut feeling and ended it then. This is the first time I've invaded someone's privacy to catch them in a lie. I have learned my lesson, next time I'll just end it.
If I didn't find anything I probably would have questioned him even more.


Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 260519)
What would you have done if you didn't find anything?

Personally, I decided some time ago that if I felt the need to check my partner's phone for confirmation, the relationship is ruined anyway. The trust isn't there regardless of the truth. That's the issue.


Vixtoria 02-25-2014 04:08 PM

Okay wow, well let me try this.

Did you set up when he's supposed to tell you? I ask my boyfriend if he's interested in anyone, or why he hasn't asked out the girl I KNOW he likes at work, but we've known each other YEARS now.

We've also discussed, in length, at what point I NEED to know things and want to know them. I NEED to know if there's sexual endeavors, for safety reasons. I LIKE to know about the flirting, and that he's talking to someone or going out. HOWEVER, it's not required. I like to know he's happy that he's dating, but I understand everyone has a different level of privacy they are comfortable with.

There are times I've been told just someone he is interested in but not asking out just yet. I've also been told after the fact that there was someone he was interested out, went out a few times, dinner, movie, and it didnt' work out.

He was CONSIDERING having sex with someone else and you feel it's a breach that he didn't tell you. Perhaps he was planning on telling you IF it became something? Perhaps he doesn't feel the need to tell you about every little step in a potential relationship. Maybe he felt it was like jinxing it if he tells you every time and nothing comes of it.

Just, another thing to think about.

What you feel you NEED to know and what you would LIKE to know are two different things and there's a lot of in between.

Poly85 02-25-2014 04:42 PM

We agreed to tell each other if we even if it might be a possibility. For example... If either of us planned on going on a date we said we would let the other know. If it was unplanned and we ended up kissing someone or more we would tell.
I've been honest and have told him about one guy that I was interested in, but then decided later that I wasn't.

I have asked him.....when was the last time you kissed someone else? He said before we got together. LIE real answer a week ago!
Are you interested in anyone or gone on any dates recently? His answer... Not since we got serious. Real answer last week!
The girl he wants to have sex with is recently single and just about a month ago he told me he was attracted to her and would go for it if she was single. When I asked about her last night his answer was he is no longer interested and will remain just friends. according to the text I saw things got pretty hot during a make out session just last week!!

I have no idea why he would lie to my face. I'm like you I like to hear about the flirting and such. My husband is very open on his end and tells me all about flirting and more. I ENJOY hearing about it. Maybe I'm wrong by holding him to the same standards as my husband.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Vixtoria (Post 260525)
Okay wow, well let me try this.

Did you set up when he's supposed to tell you? I ask my boyfriend if he's interested in anyone, or why he hasn't asked out the girl I KNOW he likes at work, but we've known each other YEARS now.

We've also discussed, in length, at what point I NEED to know things and want to know them. I NEED to know if there's sexual endeavors, for safety reasons. I LIKE to know about the flirting, and that he's talking to someone or going out. HOWEVER, it's not required. I like to know he's happy that he's dating, but I understand everyone has a different level of privacy they are comfortable with.

There are times I've been told just someone he is interested in but not asking out just yet. I've also been told after the fact that there was someone he was interested out, went out a few times, dinner, movie, and it didnt' work out.

He was CONSIDERING having sex with someone else and you feel it's a breach that he didn't tell you. Perhaps he was planning on telling you IF it became something? Perhaps he doesn't feel the need to tell you about every little step in a potential relationship. Maybe he felt it was like jinxing it if he tells you every time and nothing comes of it.

Just, another thing to think about.

What you feel you NEED to know and what you would LIKE to know are two different things and there's a lot of in between.


GalaGirl 02-25-2014 05:17 PM

Well, if you peeking at his stuff was an agreed to consequence thing -- and he gave you his password to enable you to do it? And then he goes and lies? Behaves weird so you have the urge to check? And in doing so you find confirmation he was lying? More fool he.

Why bother waiting for him to come clean? :confused:

Lies are a dealbreaker for you. Could dump him NOW and move on and be free of him/this behavior sooner rather than later.
Quote:

I told him about a month ago that I didn't trust him. I should have just gone with my gut feeling and ended it then.
Next time DO listen to your gut earlier -- there's no need to be having this sort of "peeking consequence" if you are willing to build trust with a person.

If something seems off to where you are not sure you want to build trust with them? That's not a "joyous yes" that you want to build trust with them. So could call it a "working no" so you can decide to move on earlier. Saves time/effort/energy. If not willing, not willing. End of story.

Galagirl


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