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-   -   How do I move on? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69062)

PolyNorCalFam 02-24-2014 09:51 AM

How do I move on?
 
Last Fall I met Serena. My hubby joined fabswingers and thought it would be fun. It was great until I fell in love with here. We're both married and we're looking for anything of this intensity. But have it. We all four swapped and made love together and we were all enjoying ourselves...right up untill we wanted time alone together.

This was not our first time experimenting nor my first time in love with a women. Now I have two unhappy endings in poly because of my husband jelousy, my unkowing what to chance because every attempt to change what our husband didn't like or wanted wasn't good enough and apperently not really what they wanted. Her hubby gave her a very hard time the more we all spent time together.

She ended it over two months ago due to the hell her hubby was making life. We are working on being friends via fb and talking here and there. We live 3 hrs away from eachother so we haven't seen one another for over 3 months.

What I feel I'm having the most trouble with is decieding if what i felt ad feel is love and what to do now that we cannot pursue a relationship due to our hubbby's. The other thing I don't know what do about is wanting a women counterpart so badly in my life that I want to find another women...but I truly don't think my husband could ever really be ok with me shareing my love. And I don't just want some chick I want Serena.

I am totally confused and just don't know what is right.

Magdlyn 02-24-2014 04:23 PM

I'd need more info to advise. First of all, how long have you been with your h? Have you always been discussing having an open relationship, or is it fairly new? If he only wants to swing, and you want emotional connection/love and sex, that is a big disconnect. It can take years to open a relationship properly and learn to deal with jealousy.

I've always been poly and I still have twinges of jealousy, envy, uneasiness when my bf dates-- he's had 4 new people in his life in the past year and it's exhausting me trying to keep up!

Try getting the books Ethical Slut and Opening Up for ideas on how to cope. I'm sorry you felt compelled to give up your gf, that must hurt a lot.

GalaGirl 02-24-2014 04:35 PM

I am sorry you hurt.

Quote:

What I feel I'm having the most trouble with is decieding if what i felt ad feel is love and what to do now that we cannot pursue a relationship due to our hubbby's.
You could accept it as limit reached at this time.

You could decide to focus on healing from a break up. Make the choice to let it go, and then give it TIME to be let go of.
Quote:

The other thing I don't know what do about is wanting a women counterpart so badly in my life that I want to find another women...but I truly don't think my husband could ever really be ok with me shareing my love.
I would suggest you stop swinging and take a "time out" to mull this over. Because if sex share leads to love share for you, and your husband is not willing to deal in love share? Don't engage in that behavior then -- sex share in swinging context. Don't set yourself up for another "Serena disappointment" at this time.

Instead? If you do want to see if husband will accept love share? You could spend the "time out" break talking these things through with him.

It could be he is monoamorous and polysexual where you are polyamorous and polysexual. He doesn't want any other love share partner but you.

But he could arrive at a place where he could accept you having love share and sex share with another partner. Not just sex share.

Galagirl

PolyNorCalFam 02-24-2014 04:57 PM

Thanks
 
Hi. Thanks for the support. It really sucks. I've been with my H for almost 10 years. We started swinging after 3 years into our relationship. I never really new or thought of.being poloy until my parents split because of infidelity. I told mt H I was glad I didn't feel I owned him and he could do whatever he wanted with anyone. Looking back he seemed surpried and happy. We went to Swingers clubs in Vegas and had a hand full of sexual causual encounters. And a few years later some neighbors. But we were not poly at the time it was just swinging.

We currently live in northern CA and it was about a year ago I met a women at a mutual friends house. We were doing shots together and having fun. We made out and she said later she loved me. This was deffinatly a fling but my H didn't like her it ended after 3 months.

5 months later he suggested we try swinging again. I was surprised and told him I wasn't ready. But he joined a swinging site and I checked it out. We had fun posting with others when he met Serena. He said why not write her back. We had many messages for a few weeks and phone conversations. A month later we all met.

I fell in love before we met and told my H I felt I was falling for her. He said he didn't want to stop me from having experiences I wanted to have. We were gf for 4 months during which time we met up twice a month for a few days at a time. They live three hours away. But with each encounter, phone call and text my H became more and more upset.

We all were sexually active together but our H's both became more and more jelous and didn't like the time we wanted to have alone for every new reason under the sun each time we were together. They would say that's fine or this is fine and then be upset we did this or that. Needless to say the trust from our H's became nill when it came to what they express they wanted or needed and no amount of change on our parts for them was good enough or what the acctually ment. I still have deep feelings for her. I connected with her in a way I haven't with anyone ever. I miss her every day. In the end she ended it with me saying she couldn't handle how her husband was being. We bother have children and agreed early on that our own families need to come first.

I have a huge hole in my heart still and don't have a clue what to do. We still talk and are trying to maintain a friendship. But it's been really tough and I haven't seen her for over 2 months now. If we all hang out again I feel like I should only have a friendship with them and her to avoid the pain of upsetting our H's again... Not what I want but it seems it may be for the better of our families.

Thanks for hearing my long rant. Forgive the typos. My phone dosen't move the curser where i tap my finger making editing impossible.

PolyNorCalFam 02-24-2014 05:56 PM

Galagirl.

Thank you for your input. You have made good points and it's deffinatly been a consideration of mine as a good option to let go. Do you think that it would behoove me to let go of the relationship as a whole? I almost feel like I would do better with all or nothing. But then I wonder if I'm running away from dealing and should just let it ride as friends for now and if things naturally tapper off so be it. These things I feel are so new and bizzar to me. Love the input!

GalaGirl 02-24-2014 06:02 PM

Quote:

I almost feel like I would do better with all or nothing.
You know you best. If you are an "all or nothing" type -- and you want to heal? Then let all contact with Serena go for now go so you can be ABLE to heal.

That isn't running away from dealing with the relationship. That's accepting a romance shape cannot happen right now with her.
That isn't running away from healing. That is making it so you CAN heal at this point in time.
That isn't running away from honoring your agreement -- it is prioritizing. Remember the agreement?
Quote:

We bother have children and agreed early on that our own families need to come first.
Disappointing right now, yes. But nobody says you can't start a new friendship with Serena down the line LATER when both of you are no longer emotionally raw, when the husbands are not emotionally raw. Renew contact then at THAT point in time if you want to then. Right now, focus on self care, healing, and talking things out with your husband that you want to know about.

Galagirl


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