New relationship, flirting with the idea of Poly
Hey everyone, this is my first time in a community like this :P
Very recently, a couple of months, I started seeing this girl. Everything has been rather unexpected and there is a sense of spontaneity to it that is rather nice. After a series of long mono relatinships, I've found myself in a place in life where I cannot intellectually, and morally, excuse (to myself) the imposition of monoamory. This doesn't mean, however, that there isn't an inmense emotional blockade which springs up when considering the posibility of going poly. We've had this conversation and although we both said that, as for now, we aren't interested in anyone else, we've left the possibility open that this might happen, and that if it does, we need to talk about it.
This has, in turn, led me to face a bunch of my own insecurities: feelings of being insufficient, not valuable enough, of being "dumped for another", etc. These manifest as the fear of her actually starting to date someone else. This, in turn, has lead to the fear of falling for her, and since my other relationships didn't end particularly well (lots of heartbreak involved), I am super scared this happens again.
I thought I'd share these thoughts with people that probably have been through similar things.
I am convinced that for most people that are successfully poly, codependency is something that does not occur with them or at least is guarded against. What I read on these forums about various relationship issues it seems to me a lot of these people have much easier time of letting go of long time lovers then perhaps most people can. I feel in order for (poly) to work certain barriers within our hearts have to go up that prevent codependency . It's just an idea that I have. Your comment on not wanting to get too close reminded me of it.
Codependent not the opposite of independent. Codependency is a psychological condition wherein people have a need to be controlled by others. They're the "people pleasers" who put all the needs of others above any of their own, often to the extent of doing themselves harm. It's something undesirable in any relationship: platonic, romantic (mono or poly), or professional. I believe the term you're looking for is interdependency, wherein two people are dependent on one another.
The risk of heartbreak in a particular relationship is no greater in polyamory than monoamory. We love more people, but we don't love them any less. People who are prone to heartbreak, either by falling very hard very fast or else by having a tendency to fuck up their relationships, are just as likely to have their hearts broken in monogamous relationships as poly ones.
One advantage of polyamory is that when you break up with one partner, your other partners will still be there to remind you that you're not a failure as a human being, that your'e still loved, and that one lost relationship does not equate to an inability to form healthy relationships.
I myself do happen to be independent, but I think that has nothing to do with being polyamorous. Auto is fiercely dependent, she gets very attached very quickly and her heart breaks whenever any relationship ends. Zoffee and Cue are both dependent personality types, as well.
Rather than putting up barriers, what I notice more with polyamorous people is that they work hard to understand why they feel certain things, and they learn how to cope with those feelings in healthy ways rather than avoiding them by shutting down certain possibilities that might lead to icky feelings. People who are unable to learn how to cope with feelings of jealousy often give up trying to be polyamorous and just learn to ignore their desires.
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