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-   -   Any other gay men in a relationship with a bisexual man? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69019)

OptimistiCynic 02-22-2014 01:02 AM

Any other gay men in a relationship with a bisexual man?

I am a 35 year old gay man in a relationship of almost a year with a really amazing 28 year old bi man. We have been friends for about 2 1/2 years. He told me shortly after we started dating that at first he hadn't wanted to date me because he was looking for a girlfriend, but he really liked me and so he went for it. Our relationship has been amazing. I have told him from the get go that I don't mind if he also dates girls, but lately we have been discussing opening up our relationship in a more polyamorous way and inviting a woman into our relationship, so that he can also have what he gets her as well as what he gets from me. My only rule really is he can't try to bring in one of my friends.

He and a girl who is a very close friend of mine started to develop feelings for one another (oh, did I mention they are roommates, although he sleeps at my house every night). Before anything happened he came to tell me what was going on, and I felt hurt and betrayed and I told him so. I thought for a moment that perhaps it would work, after all, I already liked her. But I thought about her relationship to my roommates (they're great friends) and our extended circle, and it only ended badly in my head, not to mention that the idea of the two of them together made me so insanely jealous and angry. So that got nipped in the bud. Or rather it will have been as of tonight when they have a conversation. He is willing to let that slide by and focus on finding someone who is not already in the network. And that makes me love him even more.

I guess my biggest fear though is that he will get frustrated at meeting girls who like him, but aren't amenable to a situation that includes me, and that the frustration will become overwhelming to him and he will leave me in order to make it easier to find a girl.

I have voiced this to him and he has tried to make me feel as safe and secure as possible which right now is like an 85%, which I don't think is so bad.

Anyone out there ever been in a similar situation?

Thanks for letting me rant.

london 02-22-2014 01:25 AM

I think the main issue is a poly issue he has to deal with.. even in poly circles, singles seem more in demand. This will be conflated by the reality that a sizeable amount of women won't date bi men. Ask him what is most important:
Being poly
Having a heterosexual relationship
Being embraced by partners as bi. Not having to hide it.

If being poly and accepted is less important, be cautious.

OptimistiCynic 02-22-2014 01:32 AM

He's told me that he loves me, but he feels like something is missing in his life. So I think it is more about having a girl to love than it is about being poly or accepted.

london 02-22-2014 01:47 AM

You have to ask him directly. Compatible woman who requires monogamy vs poly/poly friendly partners, would he go for the former? Is being poly more important than having a heterosexual relationship?

Magdlyn 02-22-2014 02:40 AM

What is it about him having a romantic relationship with one of your friends that bothers you? It can be hard to think a partner of your partner is worthy of him, but you already know her and like her...

Jealousy is something that needs to be worked through. Do a tag or word search here for tips and moral support.

PolyinPractice 02-22-2014 04:50 AM

He told you he'd give up someone he cared for, in order to satisfy your insecurities, and you loved him MORE for this? I would think, if you couldn't feel bad over this, that you wouldn't feel happy for the two of you over it.....

Devirajni 02-22-2014 11:21 PM

I am on the "girl" side of this. I'm mono. I work with someone who I assumed was gay as he was married to a man, and they had been together for 13 years before we met. Turns out, he is bi, and was attracted to me. We have now been together for 10 months. I have not yet met his husband as he lives in another state, but I feel compersion for him, and when they are together (like this weekend) I am okay. I know they love each other. I know my boyfriend loves me. I know I love him. Their relationship is not going to subsume or take away from my relationship with him. On the other hand, the only two "rules" we have are that there can be no other girls, and we have to have private, us-only time every week. The only way I am okay with not being the "only one" is because I have female sexual characteristics, and I give him something he cannot get from his other partner. If I was asked to be one of many other women, I couldn't do it. The emotional sharing is harder for me than the sexual sharing.

Vixtoria 02-23-2014 04:03 PM

Just a couple of things I wanted to add:

Just because someone is bi doesn't mean that they are going to dump someone of one sex to be with someone of another. I'm bi, or pan if that's the term you prefer, I wouldn't dump my husband or boyfriend just because it would be EASIER to date a girl if they weren't in the picture.

For the most part, poly people are poly because they love more than one person at a time. PERSON. Whatever that person may be. Male, Female, Trans, anything in between.

The hardest part of being in a relationship with someone who is poly, especially if you are mono, is learning that there is a lot more work to relationships than we think. You can't assume anymore, you can't fall back on your insecurities and triggers and just steer clear of them. You have to talk, communicate, be honest, talk about expectations and work through your insecurities and triggers. EVERYONE in the poly relationship must do that for it to be successful.

So, sounds like you need to talk, communicate and really start to work on yourself and why certain things are a trigger for you. Honestly, sexuality should have NOTHING to do with whether or not someone is more inclined to leave you. Slightly insulting as both my partners are straight and mono and I'm not. Doesn't mean I'll dump them to go with someone more like me in sexuality or relationship style.

OptimistiCynic 02-23-2014 08:03 PM

You guys are right. Clearly we have some things to work through, as this is all very new for both of us. We have always been open and communicative, so I think we have at least paved the road well. This is a conversation that will have to take place over the course of some time, it won't all be hashed out in one evening, so I will take these thoughts with me as we make the journey.

Thanks especially for the reassurance that just because he is bi doesn't mean he will up and leave me for someone of the opposite sex.

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