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-   -   How do I have this conversation (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69014)

Sandy2u 02-21-2014 06:55 PM

How do I have this conversation
So far our triad has worked amazingly well. I have never felt happier or safer in my life. There had been very little jealousy and lots of compersion, we are all happy. My female partner started off with several boundaries for her husband and I, and quickly dropped all but one. He and I are not allowed to have actual intercourse. She has said from the beginning that this will change eventually, she just isn't there yet. He and I are having our first romantic weekend away next week, and I worry that we might go there. I don't want to break her trust, and I don't want to deny what I feel for him. So clearly we need to renegotiate this boundary. Well not renegotiate it- drop it all together.

I don't even know how to broach the conversation. Do we all have it together, do they have it, do her and I have it?? This is hard because they have only ever had intercourse with each other. This seems unfathomable to me, but it was a big thing to them. I feel like I am in high school again and am doing the technical virgin thing. We do absolutely everything else, our beds and sleeping situation are all very fluid and we function wonderfully except for this. Maybe I should just let it be for awhile longer. It's only been a couple of months.

Orangesmartie 02-21-2014 10:17 PM

I think this is a conversation you need to have before you and he go way for the weekend, otherwise you may find yourself in very difficult circumstances. Breaking her trust on this break will set back the relationship by many months.

Perhaps best if you sit down to discuss as three individuals. Ask female partner how she is feeling about it and what are her feelings behind the no intercourse rule.

Also, as male partner for his thoughts on it. Is he going along with the ban because she wants it? is it something he also wants?

If she says she would like that rule to continue, ask her to set a time limit for when it can be reviewed. Ask what she would like to help her feel more comfortable in dropping this rule.

phantazmagoria 02-21-2014 11:58 PM

I was that woman for a while. It was a very hard decision to let them have sex without me. But I did. And it was hard. Lots of panic attacks. I found out that the only way I was ever going to be okay with it was to let them do it.

That doesn't help you, but I just wanted to share that. I think you should have a conversation between all three of you before you go away. If you have the mentality "it's better to ask forgiveness than permission" in these cases, you could royally mess up everything.

Good luck!!!

GalaGirl 02-22-2014 12:50 AM

I agree with Orangesmartie. But talk in trio to avoid triangulation. Say it just like you did there or print the post. That you have honored this boundary but want to talk and negotiate to lower the boundary in time because it no longer fits and the relationship is deepening. You do not want to break it and cheat but need to make people aware your needs are changing.


nycindie 02-22-2014 03:58 AM

Why did you go along with that foolishness? She is dictating how you can be in a relationship with this man. She may be his wife but she's not his owner - nor yours. The only person who should have a say about what you do with your body is YOU.

Sandy2u 02-22-2014 04:26 AM

I went along with it because she is my best friend and we are new at this. None of us even knew the term polyamory, we just fell in love. It wasn't until we started reading and researching that we realized those sorts of boundaries didn't have to exist and they don't necessarily help their relationship, and they sure as heck don't help mine.

So he attempted to have the conversation without me and it didn't go well apparently. So he and I just had a conversation about whether we were a triad or a V because they shouldn't be having conversations about my sex life with no input from me. So the three of us are going to sit down once the babies go to sleep tonight. I am fine waiting for her to get more comfortable but I am not okay feeling secondary and less than. I don't get to dictate their sex life and they shouldn't get to dictate mine. Again, I can wait but I want to know if I am waiting three months or three years.

Derbylicious 02-22-2014 04:27 PM

You have a say here. Tell them what your requirements are. Put a time limit on how long you're willing to work through this before you chose to walk away. The way things are going at the moment you are not being treated as a full, living, breathing human being with real feelings. Her feelings do not trump yours unless you let them. You teach people how to treat you by what you will accept.

Sandy2u 02-23-2014 01:53 PM

So we talked, and it went fairly well. She understands how I feel, even my concerns about feeling second best when that is not the relationship we signed up for. She gets how inherently unfair it is and feels a lot of guilt about it. That said, she isn't ready and I don't want to push her so I set a date to revisit it in a few months.

nycindie 02-23-2014 03:13 PM

Wow, a few months is quite generous on your part. Very, very generous! I could not allow a third party to manage a relationship of mine for any length of time. She says she feels guilty but is imposing her fear-based restrictions on you anyway. IMHO, she should only be responsible for her relationship with her husband, and for her relationship with you - but she is interfering with her husband's relationship with you and that is rather domineering. It sounds like she sees marriage as ownership -- rather than full partnership -- and because of that belief, is simply not ready for the realities of what having an open marriage entails.

Personally, getting involved with someone whose spouse is not completely on board and respectful of everyone's autonomy is something I would back away from, no matter how much I wanted to be with the guy. Reasonable time management/scheduling issues are the only restrictions I would allow. No one who isn't part of my relationship has any right to dictate what I can feel, say, or physically do with any partner of mine.

SchrodingersCat 02-24-2014 06:29 AM

Where are his needs and feelings in all of this? Why are his wife and his girlfriend making agreements about what he does with his penis, with him as an idle bystander?

She's free to make requests of him. He's free to agree or disagree to those requests. If he agrees, then respecting his autonomy entails accepting agreements he makes with other people.

It's understandable that he would agree to delay sexual intercourse until his wife is comfortable with it. I don't blame him for wanting to wait until there won't be a huge fallout from having sex outside his marriage. We're free to make choices; we're not free from the consequences of our choices. You don't need penis-in-vagina sex to have a good time, so why would he risk the happiness of his marriage over something that will be just as much fun in a few months?

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