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-   -   triad is ruining my oRiginal relationships (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68980)

sweetfire88 02-18-2014 07:48 PM

triad is ruining my oRiginal relationships
 
Just joined this site for some guidance. I have been with my bf for 4 years. We have always had thrones just for fun very successfully. Recently my bestfriend of 12 years has had a very tough time financially. We have slept with her before and the three of us get along great so my bf and I moved her in with us and decided to all be one beautiful happy triad. We talked about it for weeks before dOing it because the move is out of state. Not long into it her and I both realized this type of relationship will not work for us. My bf hardly wants to acknowledge the fact I am unhappy. She won't talk to him about it. I can tell how terribly disappointed he is. She has also been acting very catty to me and refuses to give him and I alone time, even though I know we need some. All of us are home with eachother constantly. My bf doesn't want to talk to me about her rude behaviour to me and gets annoyed when I bring it up. She gets defensive when I try to talk to her. I live them both more than anything am terrified of the thought of this messing up my relationships. Please any advice would be very highly aPpreciAted!!!!

Ariakas 02-18-2014 08:23 PM

You are being disrespected at every turn. You have tried to communicate..

I don't think you have a lot of options.. they have a term for people like your friend.. cowgirl. Sounds like she might just be one.

Best of luck.. sorry my advice isn't more positive.

PolyinPractice 02-18-2014 10:05 PM

Is she a cowgirl...or does she want a very and you're trying to force a triad? You had her move in. ... yiu can't very well kick her out just because she is attracted to him and not you. ...

sweetfire88 02-18-2014 11:07 PM

I wouldn't kick her out. She isn't bi and I knew that going into this. Her abd I have been intimate even before the move. I don't think she is trying to be a cowgirl, She has told me she could never imagine being with our bf without me. I just feel disrespected and since her and I understand the triad won't work I wish she would give my bf and I time alone sometimes. I don't appreciate the attitudes I am getting from both if them but just want our relationships to go back to what they were before we had tried this. I don't know hOw to bring it up without problems from them. We have never discussed it not working with all of us present. I just want my best friend and my sneezing relationship back!

sweetfire88 02-18-2014 11:35 PM

And I guess is it ridiculous of me to ask for her to sleep in the spare room sometimes if we know she is not looking to pursue a future with us, nor I with her.

Anneintherain 02-19-2014 05:36 AM

It's not ridiculous at all to set up a sleeping schedule or dating schedule so you can each have your alone time with a shared partner.

Magdlyn 02-19-2014 11:01 AM

It is very important to have time for each dyad, you and your bf, you and her, her and the guy. There is no reason for all 3 to share space constantly. And there is no rule that all 3 need to sleep together in one bed! You could take turns sharing a bed, you and him, her and him. Even just you and her, if you want to share sleep even if you're not sharing sex.

Also, each person needs their alone time, "me time," as well!

Any experienced poly person will tell you, communication is EVERYTHING. The fact that neither of your partners will talk about boundaries, schedules, etc., is very concerning.

Inyourendo 02-19-2014 02:12 PM

I agree with setting up a sleep schedule. Each of You should have your own space and particular nights with him. I personally wouldn't want to share full time sleeping space with my husband's other partner.

Vinccenzo 02-20-2014 01:05 AM

Because of her financial situation, moving her in as an additional sex partner can create a really icky dynamic. I am not saying this to suggest it a sex for a roof situation but sometimes people feel that way, feel others might be seeing them that way, more likely to act out poorly. Has this been addressed by everyone? And since this is getting considered a triad maybe trying talking to the both of them about what's on your mind at the same time before trying to do it one on one. It can help keep things above board and make it harder for anyone to make false accusations about happens or gets said.

Is there room for you to find a partner while they enjoy their connection if it does become a no go for a triad? Is it possible for her to just be a roommate and not a sex partner to you or your SO?

GalaGirl 02-20-2014 02:45 AM

I'm sorry you struggle. :(

Sounds like you guys forgot to talk about how you agree to do conflict resolution before the move. It happens. Could address it now.


Quote:

My bf hardly wants to acknowledge the fact I am unhappy.
You want him to see that you are unhappy? Anything else?

Quote:

She won't talk to him about it.
You expect her to solve (you + bf) problems for you? Or put the hinge person in the middle or play referee? He may not be eager to do this.

Quote:

I can tell how terribly disappointed he is.
Have you expressed that to him?

Quote:

She has also been acting very catty to me and refuses to give him and I alone time, even though I know we need some.
I do not know what that means to you. Are you saying you expect her to manage your BF's time management? Rather than he manages his time? Are you saying she bursts in the room when you guys are trying to spend time alone?

Quote:

All of us are home with each other constantly.
Why? Y'all don't go out to air out?

Quote:

My bf doesn't want to talk to me about her rude behaviour to me and gets annoyed when I bring it up.
Are you able to see that you are putting him in the middle when you do this? It is not kind to do to a hinge person. Listening to you complain about his other GF makes him feel how? It might help YOU feel better for the vent, but it doesn't help him to feel good. Can you express yourself directly to her or on this board or to a RL friend instead? You kvetch OUT not in.

Quote:

She gets defensive when I try to talk to her.
What about your communication style helps? What about your communication style doesn't help? You do not give an example conversation.

Quote:

I just feel disrespected and since her and I understand the triad won't work I wish she would give my bf and I time alone sometimes.
Are you as upset with the BF for not wanting to spend time with you alone as you are the friend for "being around?" It's her home and she's just moved to a new place. Where's she supposed to go if she's not as familiar with the area/built a local community yet? :confused:

What "attitudes" are they doing that you find objectionable? You do not elaborate. :confused:

Do you offer to give THEM alone time?

If this is a "V" thing rather than a triad -- seems constructive to me to move on to creating a sleeping schedule. 3 people in a 2 bedroom flat. Limit of the space you share.

It's not unkind to have her take the 2nd bedroom or YOU take that room. He is the hinge, so he has to move to and fro. You two could flip for which bedroom you get first for the rest of this lease and agree to switch it if you renew the lease here rather than move to a 3 bedroom flat together.

Then he visits her for sex share in her bedroom. And he visits you over here for sex share in your bedroom. He has to put up with storing his clothes and things in whatever space, but that's the price of admission when you all live in a flat without 3 bedrooms and he's the hinge. One of you has to share the closet with his clothes. He can't leave it in a sloppy pile in the living room -- unless you buy a stand alone wardrobe to put it in neatly and then he can have his clothes there without mess.

If you want to spend time with BF alone for alone time shared, could ask him out on a date and GO OUT alone together. If he says no, you have to manage your disappointment without blaming the other GF. It is the BF not giving you a moment of his time, not her.
Quote:

I don't know hOw to bring it up without problems from them. We have never discussed it not working with all of us present
Sounds like something you could try then -- a talk in trio. Older thread, but perhaps reading it helps you figure out some "how" for your situation.

I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry getting used to the "new normal" is particularly rough right now. :o

Galagirl


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