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-   -   Why do single people become poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68938)

bofish 02-15-2014 08:47 PM

Why do single people become poly?
 
I'm sure there are lots of threads...I'm just truly curious...

nycindie 02-15-2014 09:06 PM

Why wouldn't they?

It's an odd question, as if only married people would logically be poly. I would think it's more natural for single people to be poly and less natural for married folk, in a society that is predominantly monogamous, since all it means is having more than one relationship. Is it because you're married that you wonder why? The question doesn't make sense to me, but...

My answer: single polyfolk don't feel the need to limit themselves when it comes to loving relationships, just like anyone else who feels the same way. What's marital status got to do with it, anyway?

Being single and poly is not exactly the same as being solo poly, but many here is a good thread I started asking what solo poly means to many of us:
Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

You can also check out this blog by a member who doesn't post here much anymore:
solopoly.net: What’s wonderful about being solo, polyamorous, and single

ployshyguy 02-15-2014 09:08 PM

I think a lot of people feel their personality, soul, or what have you leads them naturally to a poly lifestyle. Even if you're not in a poly relationship, you're still open to the idea, and accepting that part of yourself that says you can fall in love with more than one person at a time.

I was poly in college (though I didn't know the term then, or that there was anyone else on the planet like me). At some point I figured I would be alone the rest of my life if I couldn't commit to one person, so I forced myself to that. It didn't stick. I got married, and I still am very happily married, but we had a big falling out regarding polyamory, once I found out more people were out there like me than I thought. Now, my partner accepts me, and I'm open to falling in love with others. I don't HAVE to be in a poly relationship to BE poly. I just have to be willing to fall in love, and do something about it aside from turn away because I'm already married.

So, I think the same applies for single people. It's better they be open about who they are with their partners, so that they don't end up in a mono relationship that's comfortable for years until they suddenly fall for 2 people at once.

PolyinPractice 02-15-2014 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 259840)
Why wouldn't they?

It's an odd question, as if only married people would logically be poly. I would think it's more natural for single people to be poly and less natural for married folk, in a society that is predominantly monogamous, since all it means is having more than one relationship. Is it because you're married that you wonder why? The question doesn't make sense to me, but...

My answer: single polyfolk don't feel the need to limit themselves when it comes to loving relationships, just like anyone else who feels the same way. What's marital status got to do with it, anyway?

I agree with you, nycindie, as a "single" person (oh, don't you love the semantics of poly?), I don't see why I wouldn't be poly. Or mono. Or whatever felt comfortable for me.

However, it appears to be more usual for people to go through the usual monogamous dating/engaged/married pattern-- and THEN discover that they're poly. Monogamy is something everyone knows about; poly is something you generally stumble into. I might like mangosteen sorbet better than chocolate ice cream, but I'm probably not initially going to be, "Yep, I'm a mangosteen kind of person." How would I even know that flavor exists?

Chances of a person discovering they're poly BEFORE they are married/engaged/committed are rare. So the idea of a single person wanting to be poly might confuse a lot of people.

PolyinPractice 02-15-2014 09:19 PM

Props to those married folk who DO discover they are poly after the fact-- and then have to struggle with the dangerous, or at least incredibly awkward, "coming out" talk. I've had those sorts of talks with potential partners. But at least if they are opposed to poly, I haven't emotionally/physically/financially invested half a life behind them. I still hate 'em and am dreading one that will come up soon....

bofish 02-15-2014 09:24 PM

O, I'm just ruminating about my own situation.

I'm in a long-term marriage with a kid. My husband's girlfriend identifies as poly, but has never been married or in a long-term relationship. She definitely wants a primary (which puts a lot of stress on my husband). It seems that she would be able to get her needs met better if she just approached the situation differently, but who knows!

I do thing being single is inherently poly, because most people date lots of people until they "settle down." But I, personally, would;t date a married poly guy if I wanted a primary partner, it seems too painful.

nycindie 02-15-2014 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 259843)
However, it appears to be more usual for people to go through the usual monogamous dating/engaged/married pattern-- and THEN discover that they're poly.

Perhaps on a board like this one, or in poly get-togethers, it seems that way, but what a small cross-section of society these represent! I would not assume that what gets posted here is "the usual" about people in general - it's just what's usual about people who choose to post about their lives on internet forums focused on polyamory.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 259843)
Chances of a person discovering they're poly BEFORE they are married/engaged/committed are rare.

I disagree.

It's much more common and acceptable for single people to want non-exclusivity in relationships and to date more than one person than it is for married people. Whether they call themselves poly is a moot point - besides the fact that not everyone views poly as an identity or "wiring," a lot of people have multiple relationships without ever using the word "polyamorous" to describe them or themselves. Some have never even heard of the term.

bofish 02-15-2014 09:27 PM

Luckily, we haven't had any trouble coming out. We did it slowly, and now our kid, friends, and my colleagues and parents know. Even our parents who are conservative didn't give us much hassle. I would admit though. If we were "three" and wanted to attend family events, this would be much much harder. We define ourselves as an "open marriage" which means (to us) we are still married, but date other people. And we actually haven't gotten any slack. I guess we're lucky.

I don't really know about hard-wiring. I know many poly people liken it to being gay. It would be terrible for me to negate anyone's experience, so I am sure that is true. However, many people I talk to feel merely that theirs just can't be met by one person. If they are liberal; they might open up. If they are nnot, they seem to cheat and/or remain unhappy or divorce. I've experienced very few people who seemed "natually monogamous" i.e. in love and happy fucking only one person for 30 plus years.

Woodie54 02-15-2014 09:36 PM

Single poly
 
I do think that single poly are cheaters,but I do know quite a number of people at my job are not married ,or fifteen present are devorce and are living a misserable life,there are quiet a few of them that are still having affair,may be once a week with other coworkers,men on mem ,women on women and all other ways you may think about,but the third or single who is attached to a couple prefer to have their own apartment and still want their own freedom,I even ask a view of them why they will not be together and their reply is that they still need their freedom which they are accustom to .

PolyinPractice 02-15-2014 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 259846)
It's much more common and acceptable for single people to want non-exclusivity in relationships and to date more than one person than it is for married people.

But non-excluvisity isn't necessarily poly, is it?


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