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-   -   Balance btw Knowing Your Needs and Letting Things Evolve Naturally (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6888)

BlackUnicorn 02-17-2011 08:12 PM

Balance btw Knowing Your Needs and Letting Things Evolve Naturally
 
I realize this just might be one of those questions where the answer will always be 'it varies from one person to the next', but I'll ask anyway;

I've been reading a lot of how important it is to not get obsessed over a particular relationship form you want to have, such as 'It must be a triad or a vee, otherwise I'm not interested'. I accept this as a totally valid point. However, there seems also to be a lot of emphasis on figuring what your needs in a relationship, ANY relationship, are.

So how to strike a balance between what to me seem at first potentially incompatible goals? If obsessing over a particular relationship formation you think you need is setting yourself up for frustration, can you have expectations about the type of people you're seeking to bond with?

1) Is deciding, for example, that you want your ideal relationship to include at least one woman, too restrictive?
2) How about being relatively certain that a particular relating style, such as BDSM, holds no appeal to you?

I'm assuming for this example that the person figuring this out has some experience with both male-partners-only and BDSM to base that decision on.

So - no expectations or as few as you can live with?

redpepper 02-17-2011 10:05 PM

"No expectations or as few as you can live with" I say. Having boundaries is valid though. It gives a sense of directuon but not forced direction.

To me boundaries are fluid, as upposed to rules, which are fixed. You can make it a rule to always practice safe sex as you both understand it together for instance. A boundary would be that you would like to look for women right now and see how that goes. It give some breathing room that the women you might meet be friends with you instead of lovers or only work for one of you or that you might meet a man in the mean time. In this way there is repect for the natural flow of things; all doors are visible, its a choice to open them.

Ariakas 02-20-2011 03:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 66927)
So - no expectations or as few as you can live with?

It varies from person to person :D

Seriously it depends on your want. Some people really are stuck in a relationship model setup. They want the triad with the labels and all the fixings. Maybe this is a hold over from monogamy, who knows.

Sometimes its the people that are more important. The design is secondary. I know I am at this stage. I was really hung up on the look/feel/and design of the relationship... I wanted labels. I am finding the people more important now.

Beyond that... having expectations can be an effort in futility, but its hard to build dreams/hopes without them. So I think it is finding a balance between the two. And hopefully being able to adjust. There is always a breaking point, so hopefully with proper communication and effort, people can figure it out :)

Quote:

So how to strike a balance between what to me seem at first potentially incompatible goals?
Well maybe you need to figure out where the priorities sit. Whats REALLY important to both of you and then work backwards. You could find structure is important to one person and not the other...

You could also find that the differences are going to be too vast. Not to many options then unless you can compromise. Something like a tertiary setup where you can still love each other but the structure is loser?...

Good luck :)


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