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-   -   Honesty about Jealousy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68845)

civfan 02-10-2014 04:38 PM

Honesty about Jealousy
 
So I have a girl friend who has a girl friend and that make me jealous but the thought of even seeing my girl friend holding another mans hand makes me even more jealous, so my question to you who consider yourselves successfully poly is do you really have what you'd consider sever jealousy issues that you work out with self talk and communication on an almost daily/weekly basis?

london 02-10-2014 04:51 PM

Generally speaking, if i felt negatively about my partner's other relationships more often than I felt indifferent or positive, it would make me doubtful about the relationship and/or the relationship style meeting my needs.

PolyinPractice 02-10-2014 05:47 PM

Is poly right for you?
 
Civfan,

I respect your efforts to be comfortable with something like poly, but from all your posts...it really doesn't seem like poly is a match for you.

Yes, there are struggles, but if you have "severe" reactions to poly, jealousy that overwhelms you, worries that your girlfriend will kick you to the curb if YOU get a girlfriend, too....it just doesn't seem like a healthy environment to begin new relationships.

Balancing multiple relationships can be tricky, but, from personal experience, I can say that poly makes me happier, more relaxed, and more myself. It's not something I forced myself to tolerate.

If that doesn't hold true for you, it's perfectly okay to be monogamous.

civfan 02-10-2014 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 259310)
Civfan,

I respect your efforts to be comfortable with something like poly, but from all your posts...it really doesn't seem like poly is a match for you.

Yes, there are struggles, but if you have "severe" reactions to poly, jealousy that overwhelms you, worries that your girlfriend will kick you to the curb if YOU get a girlfriend, too....it just doesn't seem like a healthy environment to begin new relationships.

Balancing multiple relationships can be tricky, but, from personal experience, I can say that poly makes me happier, more relaxed, and more myself. It's not something I forced myself to tolerate.

If that doesn't hold true for you, it's perfectly okay to be monogamous.

Thanks for being honest, very good info, I agree that poly probably and never will be good for me but I realize my gf is poly atm so I just have to deal with it.

civfan 02-10-2014 08:25 PM

Wow, just spent an hour and a half on the phone arguing with my gf and her gf about reading up more and trying to solve the jealousy created in me when they have sex while I am in the other room! Even this doesn't happen in the poly kingdom does it, anyone really have sex with a secondary while a primary is in the other room?

GalaGirl 02-10-2014 08:41 PM

It can if all participants are comfortable and willing for that to happen.

But the main thing here is lack of clear communication about boundaries for the shared home. And the fact that you are not comfortable and that you all do not seem to do conflict resolution in an effective way.


http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html

Maybe those could help you articulate jealousy feelings.

As to you knowing you do not want poly shipping but you continue to participate in one... I can only suggest you stop participating in things you do not really want. There is nothing wrong with monoshipping.

Galagirl

PolyinPractice 02-10-2014 09:50 PM

Seem to recall something about your girlfriend meeting her girlfriend first. Not that it really makes a difference, but it sure sounds like your girlfriend thinks her girlfriend is the primary, and you're the secondary.

Either way, lack of communication, respect, etc btw the two of you says you don't have much of a relationship.

civfan 02-10-2014 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 259334)
Seem to recall something about your girlfriend meeting her girlfriend first. Not that it really makes a difference, but it sure sounds like your girlfriend thinks her girlfriend is the primary, and you're the secondary.

Either way, lack of communication, respect, etc btw the two of you says you don't have much of a relationship.

That does make a lot of sense, her gf is probably her primary BUT her gf's hubby gets out soon and her gf will run back to her hubby, sigh BUT my gf is currently much more comfortable with perhaps the image of me being her sole sexual relationship and its been really hard to build up much of a relationship partially by the fact that she spends a lot more time with her gf/best friend.

JaneQSmythe 02-10-2014 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by civfan (Post 259325)
... Even this doesn't happen in the poly kingdom does it, anyone really have sex with a secondary while a primary is in the other room?

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 259326)
It can if all participants are comfortable and willing for that to happen.

It really does depend on what everyone is comfortable with. Three of us live together in a small one bedroom house - so if I am with one of them then the other is generally in the other room. Same when Lotus comes to visit us...

but we are all friends (or friends and more) and very comfortable with each other.

Dagferi 02-11-2014 02:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by civfan (Post 259325)
Wow, just spent an hour and a half on the phone arguing with my gf and her gf about reading up more and trying to solve the jealousy created in me when they have sex while I am in the other room! Even this doesn't happen in the poly kingdom does it, anyone really have sex with a secondary while a primary is in the other room?

Yes I have had sex with Murf while Butch is in the other room.


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