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-   -   Married couple with children seek permanent companion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68823)

CompleteOurFamily 02-09-2014 01:09 AM

Married couple with children seek permanent companion
I'm sure you've all heard/seen it all so we assume no judgment just as we cast none.

We are a younger couple, married for almost 6 years, with two very young children. We are looking for a male (or possibly female) companion to join our family permanently. We'd expect him to participate in the family as a whole, being a parent to our children as we are. He needs to have either a long-term job or education/special skill to contribute to the financial pool. Be between the ages of 25-35 preferably. I want to emphasize we are NOT seeking a sexual relationship for either of us. Ideally our new family member might be asexual and seeking a family or a gay, sexually monogamous couple even? If not, know that we are not okay with this person having sexual or romantic relationships outside of our family. We are both heterosexual and sexually monogamous, and so our ideas feel set but we have not encountered anyone who would fit our family yet, so our feelings may change on some things as they progress.

Our companion will receive love, support, intimacy, and be an equal in the family in every way. Do not reply if you would be depriving yourself of anything by potentially joining us. If you need sex, we cannot give you that. My husband and I are doing this to find someone who can fill the parts of our relationship that we cannot for each other, and in doing so, have a triad of complete emotional, intellectual, and family support.

If you’re thinking “you want someone to come fix your relationship”, let me elaborate. My husband and I have been together, nearly every day, for 7 years. We married young, old souls compared to anyone we knew, and watched each other grow and mature. During this we learned a lot about each other and our desires for our marriage. For years we have worked on several issues that keep us from being our best for each other, and after ample effort and soul searching, we have realized the issues are personality traits that neither of us are capable of changing. We are who we are, but still need what we need. Other than that we are incredibly compatible and have never stopped trying to make our relationship the best possible for each other. We share interests, love our life, and live comfortably. However, the issues that cannot be resolved are major areas of need for both of us. So we started toying with the idea of someone who could fit the gaps like a puzzle piece and join us in our life. We don’t want to throw out a wonderful marriage or deprive each other of basic needs. We know that we have a lot to offer another person in our life and would all benefit if we find a good match. This person would not be used or a separate entity from our marriage. We want to love you too and share our lives together.

A bit about us:
Wife is funny, very loving, intelligent, competent, and highly emotionally aware. She is realistic but hopes big and falls hard, loves to plan but not execute, can be moody and irritable, loves to research health and science, likes to dance, and engage in intelligent debate. Our struggling point: emotional needs not met because husband lacks the ability to respond appropriately to emotions (possible Asperger’s in regard to social and emotional situations, wife is highly aware of body language and mood shifts so you can imagine the frustration this causes when things go awry). Ideal companion will be able to understand emotions from any source and put those of your family first and reply appropriately when emotions arise. I seek intimacy from this emotional connection and hope it will also build a better bond between all three of us.

Husband is a genius. Interests include math (career), science, astronomy, politics, geography, and history...anything scholarly. He enjoys playing games of all sorts (MTG). He is highly realistic, thrives on comfort and facts, and is a gentle man. His idea of fun is relaxing with a beer and playing a game or talking about something educational. He is quiet but extremely witty. He prefers to let other’s plan unless it’s related to money. Our struggling point: inability to meet emotional needs is causing him to miss out on the basic joys of friendship and feeling content. Ideal companion will help the wife with emotional needs and engage with him (and wife) on a deep friendship level.

More about us as a couple: on top of needing a very specific person, we have an odd lifestyle that we do not intend to change. We do not watch cable. We do not watch sexual material of any sort (so our movie/show options are limited to either children material or educational, though there are many movies and shows that are clean and enjoyable). We can explain this later if you are curious. We don’t let many people into our lives and put our family above all. For this reason we prefer someone who feels the same and wouldn’t mind living in a bubble with us. We live very comfortable financially with only one of us working. Although experience with children is not required, the desire to have them is obvious. We are not religious and believe in science but accept that some fill their spiritual needs in other ways. We are well versed in the bible and love to discuss it despite ultimately not believing it.

There is plenty we can cover in private conversation. If you’ve reached this far you’re either bored and passing time, waiting to see what other crazy shit we want, or considering! Do not contact us unless you understand what we are asking for and could see yourself doing it. Thanks.

CompleteOurFamily 02-09-2014 02:06 AM

Insightful response
We already received an insightful response stating we are not actually looking for a polyamorous relationship, but a doormat, because we're looking to leave sex out of it yet asking for a full commitment.

We want to acknowledge that this is true, we do not want sex, but be educated that there are many asexual individuals who thrive on the intimacy we would love to give another person. In our situation, we can't fulfill each other's needs completely...I'm not sure any two people can...but perhaps with three we can get closer and make another person happy too. I believe many poly relationships start like that. If you call joining a family and receiving all the benefits of having two loving partners, an incredibly stable life, and no pressure to be sexual if you are asexual being a doormat then I'd love to be one. We were candid in saying what our relationship lacked before adding a person in order to find a better fit, and to the right person we will talk more about it if it even matters.

I know it's a free forum, but please be mindful that there are many forms of polyamory and a situation that does not appeal to you is probably best left alone. It's like me saying you just want someone new to screw to a poly couple seeking a sexual woman for him. That's narrow-minded and unproductive.

london 02-09-2014 04:33 AM

Many asexuals don't want sex, but do want romantic commitment. They have girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives etc they just might not have much sex with them. Very, very few people will be okay with no sex and no romantic commitment but co parenting and co habiting responsibilities for kids and a house they didn't plan to have. Those who would probably have issues.

CompleteOurFamily 02-09-2014 04:49 AM

It would be romantic, just not sexual. That wouldn't even make sense otherwise.

london 02-09-2014 08:18 AM


Ideal companion will help the wife with emotional needs and engage with him (and wife) on a deep friendship level

monkeystyle 02-11-2014 11:05 PM

While I think this is a very well thought out request to meet others, there may be a limited audience on this site that would take interest in it. Have you taken a look at some of the asexual dating sites or even okcupid? The pool of candidates may be quite a bit larger on both. Just a thought, and I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for.

JaneQSmythe 02-12-2014 04:45 AM

I agree with monkeystyle - this is a clear and well written ad in the appropriate section of the forums ...and that an asexual dating site might be another appropriate venue (or perhaps even a fetish forum - the FetLife poly forums might be another good option).

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