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-   -   Ethical poly dating while single (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68822)

zed42 02-09-2014 12:38 AM

Ethical poly dating while single
 
So, here's my story.

I am currently completely single. However, the stars seem to be in some sort of alignment and there are a couple of people who have come into my life. There is mutual attraction and have been a few dates. Each person is in a poly marriage with their respective partners. It is impossible to know whether things will progress or not because everything is so new. But, the situation has presented me with a possible ethical conundrum.

My ethical issue is that, I'll eventually need either committed live-in poly beloved(or beloveds) of my own, or a committed mono relationship to have all my needs met. Not now, and maybe not for years. But, eventually I will want at least one relationship where I'm not limited to secondary status in its growth.

If I find someone who is poly, awesome! Whatever other relationships I'm in at the time, will hopefully, understand and we can all work through how to navigate with the changing circumstances in the way one does when new paramours come into existing situations.

What if I find myself falling for a completely mono person? I may have people in my life whom I love at that point whose situations do not allow me to have all of my relationship needs met. I don't believe that I would end those relationships in favor of something new. But, I can't rule it out either. People do make interesting choices in the throes of new love.

Do I avoid dating people who have a primary-style relationship and are not looking for more primaries until I know what my eventual romantic entanglements will be like? Or, do I allow things to progress how they progress with honest communication to all of my partners?

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Or would anyone like to weigh in with an opinion?

PolyinPractice 02-09-2014 02:32 AM

What if you never find someone who loves you? What if you find your true love, but they get struck by lightning? What if you fall in love with the Doctor and know that he'll never ever love you back the way you love him? Living in a world of "what ifs" is only going to drive you mad :) Relax.

Instead of worrying out and planning out your poly future, why don't you come up with some standards of what you need in a relationship, and go along and enjoy the ones that meet those standards?

For example, whether my current/future partners are single, married, or dating, I want the potential to be a full part of their life-- at least with them and their family and trusted friends. It's not always possible to be out in the open about being poly. I want them to be honest, to have similar values, and similar ambitions. But I don't concern myself with the details of how the structure will lay out.

By the way, you don't have to "settle" for secondary status, merely because your partner is married. You can, if you prefer limited obligations in relationships, but I, and others in this forum, have relationships with married partners that are not limited in any way (at least not as concerns love, affection, and importance).

london 02-09-2014 04:11 AM

I think you should be forthcoeming about monogamy as a possibility for you in order to offer optimum informed consent to prospective partners.

london 02-09-2014 04:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 259182)
What if you never find someone who loves you? What if you find your true love, but they get struck by lightning? What if you fall in love with the Doctor and know that he'll never ever love you back the way you love him? Living in a world of "what ifs" is only going to drive you mad :) Relax.

Instead of worrying out and planning out your poly future, why don't you come up with some standards of what you need in a relationship, and go along and enjoy the ones that meet those standards?

For example, whether my current/future partners are single, married, or dating, I want the potential to be a full part of their life-- at least with them and their family and trusted friends. It's not always possible to be out in the open about being poly. I want them to be honest, to have similar values, and similar ambitions. But I don't concern myself with the details of how the structure will lay out.

By the way, you don't have to "settle" for secondary status, merely because your partner is married. You can, if you prefer limited obligations in relationships, but I, and others in this forum, have relationships with married partners that are not limited in any way (at least not as concerns love, affection, and importance).

The fact that most people can't marry, live with, share finances or have kids with more than one person at a time is reality. Being loved doesn't change the desire for those things.


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