I have been with my man for 7 years now, we have been totally monogomous. I love him so much and on the whole we are happy, i can't imagine life without him.... I am so scared i'll lose him, damage our relationship or hurt him if he knows that i feel somewhat trapped and that he alone can't fill all my needs emotionally and that the thought of only being with one person for the rest of my life on any level scares the hell out of me and sends me into a panic/momentary depression.
I dont want to feel guilty when i am talking to a guy friend on a level that me and my partner can't, i don't want to feel guilty when i have someone that i just want to cuddle up too and watch a movie with. For me its not just about wanting to go out and shag people.. i love the feeling you get with someone new even if its just holding hands, talking, flirting etc i just want the freedom to do what i want when i want and not feel bad for it or have the fear that i will loose my guy. We trust each other 100% and i have told him i have no problem with him "hooking up" with other women but he just laughs and shrugs it off. I would never ever cheat on him and i have kind of hinted at opening up things a bit but he is kind of a yes man and doesn't really say what he feels, he agrees with my views on relationships in general but i don't know how he would feel about being in the type of relationship i'm wanting.
I just don't know what to do, if it was an open relationship from the start im guessing it would have been alot easier. I know i have to say something to him but i'm just so damned scared. I grew up thinking you find a man you fall in love you get married and have kids - happy ever after, i never thought i'd have a kid fall in love and still want more from others.... Damn you walt disney
I'm not sure if any of this made sense, i am not that great at transfering my thoughts to words i just needed to get it out and if anyone has been in this situation (long term relationhip starts monogy then turns poly etc etc) or has any feedback it would greatly be appreciated. Damn maybe its just an early midlife crisis.. i just don't know.
You came to the right spot. I would say the majority of people here came into poly relationships similarly to you. I actually came to poly as a result of not being able to really commit to a relationship until I met my partner, married with kids, and got thrown into the deep end. But I'm willing to share perspectives.
Honey, you came to the right place. And it's not just Walt Disney's fault for your mono programming, hell, it's right in the Book of Genesis in the Bible, going back to around 1200 BCE.
"To the woman he said, 'I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.' "
If people were naturally mono, why did many men in those days have multiple wives? Why did they need to put words in "God's" mouth cursing Eve and all women by commanding them to desire only their husband, and for him to rule her?
Anthropological research is showing that humans used to be "promiscuous" in early civilizations. People would have sexual relations with multiple partners, and the children that resulted would be raised by a tribe, not a nuclear unit. Women didn't need to trade sex for economic stablity. Read Sex at Dawn, a book written for the lay public, to see the research done into the nature of human sexuality, before monogamy got a stranglehold on women so that men could determine biological paternity.
That said, I feel for you, as regarding not wanting to lose your monogamous husband! It's a big scary thing to transition from being mono to poly, there are hundreds of stories here about it. Read them and know you are not alone, and learn how to communicate your true nature. I had to do it too. Despite the work, it is so much better to feel authentic instead of living a lie.
Thanks for the replies. I've had a look through the threads (there are alot!) and have found a couple but i haven't really found any that was based on what someone was feeling, how they approached their long term partner, what hiccups they had and how its going (i don't ask for much eh? ha but then i could just be blind)
I do think society has imprinted on us what is right what is wrong in regards to a relationship they make it so black and white, you're either a cheat or faithfull, you should break up with your partner if you have feelings for others because it means you don't truely love them blah blah blah pfft. I can also see how religion does have a bit to do with it aswell i think it comes down to the ol' women have less rights than men thing so whats good for the goose wasn't good for the gander (i'm an atheist for the record heh)
I trust my guy 100% and i think you need that bases for an open relationship to work, i never thought i'd trust someone so completely that this would be possible! I have never cheated on him and i never will but i realy can't ignore these feelings so my only option really is to talk about it with him, i can't imagine life without him being in it...i know he always wants to make me happy so i don't think he will say no but i dont want him to be unhappy either!. I'm not wanting to jump into anything asap its like a case of it if happens it happens and i don't have to feel bad/guilty about it or wanting it.
I might get the courage to talk to him this weekend....
I always find it's better to be upfront and explicit. Beating around the bush by saying you don't mind if he shags other women is not the same as telling him how you feel and what your needs are.
To break the ice, you might download a video about a polyamorous family. Watch it together and see what he thinks of it.
After that, my way would be to just jump in and spill it. But then, I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Even if that's not your MO, I think the longer you keep it in, the more and more difficult it will be to tell him.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen? He won't like it, he'll tell you so, and you'll talk about it. At best, he'll feel the same way (maybe laughing it off was because he thought you were testing him?) and you can start to explore.
I totally get the whole "he wants to make me happy, but I don't want to make him unhappy" thing. That's Gralson all the way. He always puts other people first (if he likes them) and then begrudges it later. It took me years to figure out how deep that runs, and then to figure out when he's saying yes but not really wanting it
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