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-   -   Need advice on what to do about herpes... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68748)

JacksonCage 02-05-2014 10:58 PM

Need advice on what to do about herpes...
 
HI!

First of all, this is my first post. I've been reading this Forum for months now as therapy, to help me cope with my wife's choice to start a relationship with another man and be poly.

As you can probably tell, I'm mono.

This forum has helped me see her side of things more, and slowly come on board with her lifestyle choice. So thanks to you all.

I know I need some more support in other areas, however, one is up now as it's the white elephant in the room.

She is going to see this guy for the first time really soon. They have not had sexual relations yet, and surely plan too when they meet.

When asked about STD's it seems like the guy is pretty responsible...as far as tests and HIV tests go.

However, he did reveal that he has herpes 1 (cold sore kind) and herpes 2 (genital warts kind).

As you know, these don't go away once you have them and are highly contagious. 50% or more of people in the US have type 1 and like 20% have 2.

I am fairly certain I have neither, as I've never had symptoms come up. I know people can be asymptomatic, but let's just assume I am clean in that department.

I also know my wife currently has never shown signs for either.

Even WITH a condom, type 2 is still possible to spread. And type 1 can spread with saliva...even if there is no cold sore present.

So, I am feeling like I am being forced into getting diseases I don't want.

I have no judgement at all about polyamory and what y'all are into. I get it on a mental level for sure. It makes a lot of sense. However, I'm just not interested in it, and I think one reason is that I don't want to have to worry about getting diseases from strangers. (being in this case, her "boyfriend" is a stranger to me)

For all you reading this who are in multiple partner relationships, I am SURE this must be an issue as it's probably of the top transmitted viruses.

So...

1) What do you all do about herpes?

2) Do you have prevention that you know works well enough? I'll take "well enough" as I really have no choice in this matter. As many of you mono's out there know, if your spouse is going to do this, they're going to do this. It's either "deal" or divorce. I am choosing the painful route of "deal" rather than the painful route of divorce.

3) Once she comes home, how long of a "quarantine" time do we need to get the battery of tests needed to see if she's infected? Does herpes 1/2 show up on tests early on?

I am going to inform my wife that we'll have to have quarantine times after every time she meets with him. I am just hoping it doesn't have to take more than a month or so.

Thanks for helping me.

I know I can ask a doctor some of this, but I am sure many of you are well informed in the context of multiple partner relationships.

Thanks so much.

GalaGirl 02-05-2014 11:06 PM

I know people use words differently, but in my words?
  • You are monoamorous and do not want to be participate in a polyship shape relationship.
  • Your wife is polyamorous and polysexual wants to participate in a polyship shape relationship that includes both love share and sex share.
Quote:

I have no judgement at all about polyamory and what y'all are into. I get it on a mental level for sure. It makes a lot of sense. However, I'm just not interested in it, and I think one reason is that I don't want to have to worry about getting diseases from strangers. (being in this case, her "boyfriend" is a stranger to me)
Before even dealing with the guy's herpes... could you please clarify some things?
  • Why are you agreeing to enter into a polyship shape with wife and this man if you yourself have no desire to be in a polyship shape?
  • If you want to be free of that kind of worry, why are you entering into a relationship shape where that is part of the price of admission? :confused:

Seems like it would serve you wants better to tell wife "I am ok with you being polyamorous. But I do not want to participate in a polyship "V" with you as the hinge person and him and me as the "V arm" people where there is both love share and sex share. If you wish you participate in a polyship that way, it has to be without me. So before you do, we need to disband the marriage and be friends so I can step off before you go places I cannot go."

I am concerned that you are going along with this against your own wants for sake of wife. Rather than for your own sake. :(

Galagirl

nycindie 02-05-2014 11:07 PM

Why do you assume she is going to have sex with him the first time she meets him? Does she mistakenly believe that that is what polyamory is all about?

Regarding herpes, do a search of the forum and you will find several very informative threads on the topic, with links to excellent sites that provide information.

JacksonCage 02-05-2014 11:12 PM

Well GalaGirl,

It's something that's she's been wanting to try for years and years. She finally met someone she loves.

I love her SO much I want her to have what she wants in life.

No, I don't like it, but I also can't stifle my wife and her dreams.

As you know, it's never simple, right?

So, I'm willing for her to give this a try. It's just that I didn't anticipate the STD thing... I mean, yeah with HIV and all... but herpes did not cross my mind until it was recently revealed to me.

So, I guess I'm just needing to look at this STD issue for now...and then after they meet, see where she as at and take it from there.

So yes, I am mono and not interested in anyone but my amazing wife. Trouble is, if you want someone to be amazing, you have to let them be fully who they are...and well, this is who she is. As you know, you are just built the way you are.

JacksonCage 02-05-2014 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 258774)
Why do you assume she is going to have sex with him the first time she meets him? Does she mistakenly believe that that is what polyamory is all about?

Regarding herpes, do a search of the forum and you will find several very informative threads on the topic, with links to excellent sites that provide information.

Because she says she is. It's their intention for this meeting.

nycindie 02-05-2014 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JacksonCage (Post 258775)
She finally met someone she loves.

Wait - what? I thought you said they've never met before and are getting together for the first time. She's "fallen in love" with someone she's only interacted with online?

Please make sure you have his name, address, and phone number and are fully aware of their whereabouts for their date, and ask her to check in with you.

LovingRadiance 02-05-2014 11:19 PM

Genital warts and herpes are completely different diseases.
I have genital herpes. I've had it for over 20 years. Neither Maca or GG has gotten it (both are tested regularly and continue to test negative) in 20 years...
There are several threads on here if you search "herpes" or "std's" regarding the topic including a lot of info from posters who have herpes and or are dating someone who does.

GalaGirl 02-05-2014 11:22 PM

Quote:

So yes, I am mono and not interested in anyone but my amazing wife. Trouble is, if you want someone to be amazing, you have to let them be fully who they are...and well, this is who she is. As you know, you are just built the way you are.
And how are you stifling her from being who she is? You seem to love and accept her how she is just fine.

If you tell her you have to bow out because this is not for you, how is this stifling her dream? She can carry on without you.

Your "willing & able" to participate in a polyship shape relationship has nothing to do with her. It is YOUR willing and able.

Whether or not she is currently in a polyship does not define her "polyness." She could be poly-single or poly-celibate. You guys could divorce and she could be in a polyship without you with other people. Her "polyness" remains.

I'm not saying that to upset you -- I am trying to point out that YOU are not looking out for YOU here.
  • Because you KNOW you don't want to participate for your own sake.
  • You do not like it, and do not enter from a place of "Joyful yes!"
  • But you are going to do it anyway for her sake.

That's a good way to ding your own health. And I'm not talking about physical health with the herpes -- I'm talking about mental health with worries you could be free of, and spiritual health when you go against your own grain. It is not you being true to yourself.

And planting seeds of resentment like that --- better a good split and be good friends than continue your relationship with her doing things you don't want to be doing. :(

  • If she doesn't know you feel this way, you are doing lies of omission and that is not loving behavior toward her.
  • If she does know you feel this way and is willing for you to do this against your own grain? She's not doing loving behavior toward you.

I'll let others address the herpes thing but I'm worried about you being too self-sacrificing and your wife being too "whee!" with the crushy feelings and y'all heading to disaster because you don't really want to go there and she's going too fast.

In case it helps:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ree_Enough.pdf

Galagirl

Inyourendo 02-05-2014 11:30 PM

We dont have sex with people who have herpes. Not only do we not want the risk of getting it but also we would have to disclose that we've potentially been exposed tob it to all future potential partners white could limit who is willing to date us

People with std/sti. Are friends only to us. If N chose to gave sex with someone that had herpes I would not have sex with him anymore.

Dagferi 02-06-2014 12:53 AM

Just because you are poly doesn't mean you Willy nilly sleep around.

I dated quite a bit outside my marriage. Murf has been my only sex partner.

As for the herpes issue. There is no way in hell I would put either of my husbands health at risk by sleeping with someone with herpes. None of us have the infections.


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