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-   -   Major problems with my metamour (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68744)

OliverOwl 02-05-2014 09:00 PM

Major problems with my metamour
 
So K and I have come a long way over the past few months. Poly seems like a much more viable option for our future than it did before, to the point where I am genuinely happy we have started discussing it now. However, I still have one major problem that is not being addressed . . . I hate my metamour.

Now, S is a perfectly sweet girl. I know deep down that she does not have a malicious bone in her body. That said, she is young, passively manipulative, and horribly inexperienced with relationships. K is the first even vaguely serious relationship she has ever had. And that is as a secondary partner to him after idolizing and romantizing him for well over a year (before I ever met him). K has strong feelings for her but only wants her as a secondary partner. While she says she is okay with this I has serious doubts. While in our initial foray into poly S and I kept every open channels of communication and tried to develop into a friendship. I every quickly learned that because she does not really have any close friends of her own I became Numero Uno. So I got to hear all about her problems, how she felt about K, and all of her private thoughts on poly. I really tried to be as supportive as I could but hearing day after day of "I really think K and I were meant to be. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man" and "when I first met you I was waiting for you and K to break up so I could be with him. I'm don't like it but I'm happy I have to power to hurt you relationship" I could not take it anymore.

Here is a girl who has actively lied to K, hidden the truth from me, completely failed to respect my boundaries (to the point where she assumed she had the privelage of sleeping in K's bed on a university trip when THEY WERE NOT TOGETHER), and who I no longer trust. K is aware of my dislike for her. I hate myself for feeling this way. I seriously am not okay with not liking people, especially people my partner loves. But where do I go from here? Sometimes the dislike gets to the point where I question my ability to stay with K.

I can't tell him to leave her (I would never make him choose, I do not want veto power) but I feel like my emotions are not being respected. He tells me I am his primary partner, we have talked about having kids in the next few years, and yet he is willing to stay with a someone who's very name can give me a panic attack. How do other primaries deal with major problems with their partner's partners?

Inyourendo 02-05-2014 09:16 PM

If she comes to visit then leave, but I would encourage him to go out to her instead of having her invade your space.

OliverOwl 02-05-2014 09:19 PM

She does. He is very careful to schedule their dates on times that do not conflict with our plans and knows that I am not comfortable seeing her.

Inyourendo 02-05-2014 09:23 PM

Then how is she contacting you? If shea texting or calling then tell her to cut it out. Tell her you aren't interested in a relationship with her and to not contact you again. You wont have to see her or hear from her then issue is gone. What happens between your partner and her is not your business and tell him to keep their relationship to himself.

OliverOwl 02-05-2014 09:38 PM

That is what is happening. Our conversations were largely over facebook. I expressed my unwillingness to talk to her again and have since unfriended her. We still have each others phone numbers in case of emergencies but we have not spoken in about a month.

Not having to act as her crutch has helped but at the same time it has not caused any of the problems to ease. It has just stopped new ones from forming.

GalaGirl 02-05-2014 10:41 PM

Quote:

Not having to act as her crutch has helped but at the same time it has not caused any of the problems to ease. It has just stopped new ones from forming.
I'm glad you don't have any new incoming. So as to existing things... Blue mine. Correct me if I am wrong.
  • I feel like (think) my emotions are not being respected (by K.)
  • He is willing to stay with (S) -- Her very name can give me a panic attack.

Right now that's a list of statements with no details.
  • What behavior do you want him to START doing that would demonstrate him respecting your emotions so you can feel more at ease emotionally?
  • What disrespectful behaviors do you want him to STOP doing so you can feel more at ease emotionally?
  • What behavior do you want you to START doing so you can feel more at ease emotionally?
  • What behavior do you want you to STOP doing so you can feel more at ease emotionally?

:confused:

You say K is aware of your dislike for her... but is he aware she said this to you?
Quote:


"when I first met you I was waiting for you and K to break up so I could be with him. I'm don't like it but I'm happy I have to power to hurt you relationship"
You don't trust her. And if you are here?
Quote:

Sometimes the dislike gets to the point where I question my ability to stay with K.
Best to update K and let him know you are thinking this.

And have the talk how you want to go from there even if the conversation is hard to have.

Galagirl

scarletzinnia 02-06-2014 02:10 PM

I am wondering, do you have any hard evidence that S wants to break up you and K? It sounds like there has been a lot of virtual interaction. Facebook keeps your messages for quite a while. Is there anything that you can show K that proves that S desires to do this?

If K has written proof that S wants to break the two of you up, and still wants to stay with her, then you can make an informed decision about where you want the relationship to go with HIM, if anywhere.

I personally believe that if my partner wants to persist in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect the relationship I have with him, who actively seeks to undermine and end our relationship, then my partner is disrespecting me by keeping this person in his life. I know that is not a popular point of view in poly circles, but that is where I have arrived at, after a few metamours that were so toxic I can't even write about them without getting a fit of PTSD.

I can see that you wouldn't want veto power now, but if you end up having kids with K, you may want to reconsider that.

london 02-06-2014 02:24 PM

Hopefully the OP will have kids with people she trusts so veto will still be both unnecessary and undesirable.

Dagferi 02-06-2014 02:44 PM

Why should veto power come into play when kids are involved.

If someones judgment is questionable about who they would expose children to then you shouldn't be having children with them in the first place.

london 02-06-2014 03:02 PM

Some members feel that increased entanglement inherently calls for increased protective measures. It's obvious that they've never experienced having a dependable partner or they simply have entitlement and/or possessive issues. I always comment so others realise it isn't a norm and often indicative of other issues.


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