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-   -   This might be our unicorn (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68735)

Looking 02-05-2014 02:20 AM

This might be our unicorn
 
So I am a married man, married to a wonderful woman. We've been together nearly ten years. We have discussed poly in the terms of a closed triad. We even discussed the possibility of one of our close friend, but only to together.

So about our friend, she is awesome! She's very independent, owns her own home and has a nice career. She is beautiful enough to a successful model, if she ever desired. But she is lonely. Most guys just want her for her body or to be their trophy. About a month ago she had a child. The father is not in the picture at all. Likely doesn't even about the child. (NOTE: she has very reasonable reasons for him not to know). So, of course, we have discussed her being out "unicorn".

We haven't said anything to her this though, mainly due to timing. She just had a child and is still a new mother.

Anyways, we went to her Super Bowl party. We had a great time, talked for hours. During our talks, she said something that surprised the hell out of us. During talking about the down side of being a single mother, she said "I think the three of us should get together and live one of those poly lifestyles". With the tone she used it wasn't clear if she was joking or completely honest. That's when I put it all on the line. I replied that B(wife) and I had been thinking about a triad relationship a lot and that she was always on top of the list of candidates.

She wasn't at all surprised by that and quickly responded that she has been thinking of being with us for sometime. She then, mentioned all the perks a triad relationship would offer. After that other people came in and the subject changed.

Over the last few days, we have talked you her some about it. B and I are ready to start "courting" her, but we are really lost on how to do that. I mean, do we call and ask her to dinner. Perhaps, Randomly send her flowers, or maybe offer her a night of relaxation, with us cooking for her.

We are open to any advice offered.:)

Magdlyn 02-05-2014 12:29 PM

When you want to date someone, there is the usual drill. But she's a friend already, you know her well? Having dinner together is not something new. First you need to think about what you have to offer her as lovers, not just friends.

Is she bisexual? Would she be expected to have sex with both of you? What if she is interested only in one of you sexually? If she fell in love with your wife, and vice versa, but not with you, would that make you jealous? Ruin your friendship?

She is successful and has her own home. Is your goal to get her to live with you? In your place, hers, or a new house for all 3?

Do you also have children? How old are they? Would they accept having 2 mommies now?

She is the new mother of a one month old baby. She has a whole new person to get to know. Is this really the time for her to pursue 2 romantic relationship, as as well finding a balance in a triad? She has a full time job, a new baby, a nanny, a house to keep up? Does she really want to date right now?

Natja 02-05-2014 02:36 PM

One month old baby and ready to date? I am the single mother of an near nine month old and not ready yet, but I tell you one thing, I AM ready for someone else to be around for support...that is not exactly the best reason to start a relationship though, so you can have a bit of support.

I would suggest she is more interested in security for herself and her child than a love thing, that desire will only last until she feels secure and then she will move on. If you are prepared for that than go for it but don't expect this to be some lifelong thing.
And don't get too attached to the baby.

london 02-05-2014 05:13 PM

Conversely, I think you should start with helping out with the baby.

Tigergirl 02-05-2014 09:07 PM

I'm going to agree with London. I think this situation, on her end, could be stemming from three very different places. A: she has everything totally together, especially regarding her emotions and the amount of support she has as a brand new parent, and she has just been sitting on these feelings while she has been busy being pregnant, and that things are ready to go swimmingly OR B: she is at the end of her rope, especially after having to still feel like she needs to present herself as totally together and independent and awesome after becoming a single mom to an infant, and more than anything just wants the emotional support she sees in the relationship between you two, and sees offering herself up in a relationship as the only way to get that support without having to admit that she is feeling vulnerable OR C: a sort of mix between the two (which is probably the most realistic of the three options)- she might have been sitting on some feelings for awhile, needs some support with this new challanging aspect of her life and sees you guys as a great resource for that support, and she is feeling like it might be a good time to explore that as an option.

Here's the thing for you guys to remember: she just had a baby, and hormones are still going to be wacky. She also probably feels weirdly vulnerable in ways she most likely won't admit, given your description of her, and quite honestly needs a strong support system at this time. I hope for all of your sakes that feelings are real on everybody's part and that this could be a beautiful thing for everybody, but as her friends who think she is as wonderful and amazing as you say you two do, first off, be FRIENDS to her and her baby. Reach out to her as friends, not as potential lovers, to see if she needs help with the baby: errands run, a break to rest, some relaxed company. That being said, after pregnancy and a newborn, especially as a single mom- she is probably also yearning to feel like a desirable woman again. So, a little romance would probably go a long way- flowers, an opportunity to dress up, that kind of thing. Also, I suggest some quiet one on one activities with her and each of you alone that would prompt a lot of talking regarding feelings and emotions and boundaries at this time. Personally, I like spa trips for this kind of thing- you're together and relaxed, but you can't turn it in to a physical thing, so more emotional stuff comes out. Basically, treat this gently, with respect and caution, and you might have something really great- if not, there would probably be quite a bit of regret sooner than later. Slow and steady wins the race :)

Looking 02-06-2014 09:16 PM

Magdalyn
What we have to offer is a stable relationship. A family to come home to, friends that she can vent to, lovers that fulfill her desires, someone to assist her in raising her child, people that put her in her place when she is wrong and be her biggest supporters when she's right, help with money if and when it is ever needed, people that make her laugh and holds her when she cries. The things that i think we all want. And yes she is bisexual.

We would most likely keep the living arrangement that we currently have for now, maybe later on get a bigger house together. Yes, it seems she is into each of us, each for different reasons. She had a newborn and we have a one year old.

And yes I think she does want to date, she has been alone since the beginning of her pregnancy. I know that lack of intimacy is killing her. She does have a lot on her plate, and we would love to relive some of that for her.

Natja
You may be right, but we're hoping you are wrong. You do bring up good points though.

London
I totally agree, we have offered countless times to do things for him. She is kinda over protective of her little one (all new mothers are), so she hasn't taken us up on many of those offers. However, I'm sure as time goes by that she will start allowing us to do more for him and for her as well.

Tigergirl
I agree with you that it is mostly C. Since her pregnancy B has been wanting to give her a day at the spa, to have a day of relaxation and maybe process everything that has gone on in the last year or so. We got that for her today. However, my wife doesn't know that I got her the same thing and that they will be going together. That's a valentines gift to my wife. I think the both will have an awesome day together without the kids and maybe some bonding that they really haven't been able to do lately. I also agree that each of us will need lots of one on one time.



Thanks for the advice on this. I'll keep you all posted as this progresses.

Natja 02-06-2014 09:29 PM

You might want to rethink calling her a Unicorn.

SchrodingersCat 02-06-2014 10:19 PM

When Auto and I started dating, it began as a few casual "get to know you" dates. Then she messaged me and just said, "I'm interested in you and I'd like to ask you out on an official date." From there, it just grew organically.

My advice is not to push anything, just start acting like you're "dating" and let it take the course that it will. If everyone remains interested, it will just grow naturally.

The thing to remember is that poly dating is no different than regular dating. Don't forget to nurture the three pairwise relationships as being unique and special, apart from the triad as a three-way relationship. If you and your wife are the type to "court" someone in a formal way, then don't change your method now, it's worked so far right? By the same token, if the formality of courting is not something you did previously, don't start now.

It's obvious that she's interested. Frankly, this question would be best answered by sitting down the three of you and coming up with a plan that works for three.

Ariakas 02-06-2014 11:31 PM

First of all congrats, secondly dating style is all very personal. What I do, and how I am during a date may not be like you.

The gist of how dating works for me, you are hanging out with people in a more intimate way then general friends. A date isn't much different then hanginig out, you talk small talk, you enjoy or don't enjoy conversation, there is flirting... the big differentiator is the end goal. Like any relationship not all friends make good lovers.. not all lovers make good friends.

Keep an open mind, keep having discussions but don't overthink it like everyone here tends to. Let it happen and don't build a whole lot with expectations. Be respectful to her and your wife (and they need to do the same to you two)

Remember a triad is 4 relationships. Foster each one individually.. and your triad can thrive.. and don't expect an equilateral triangle either.. nothing is ever equal.. but things can be fair.

Enjoy it.. :).. oh and ignore the unicorn natsayers.. :) its better for your stress level haha

civfan 02-08-2014 04:12 AM

Here is the best definition of a unicorn anyone ever sent me as far as really understanding that unicorns do not exist:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=unicorn

This is a great site that helps me understand the whole poly concept and how to deal with being poly:

http://www.morethantwo.com/

And man to man, if you really want to put up with two women and a screaming baby when things are at there worst and are prepared for it I say go for it but if you'd really just prefer sex on the side with hopefully less drama you may would rather consider adding a secondary.


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