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-   -   Communicating with my Hinge (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68693)

aharri32 02-01-2014 02:41 AM

Communicating with my Hinge
 
I am currently in a poly-relationship (of sorts) and have been for the past...six months or so. I say "of sorts" because I am in a relationship with J, who is married to C. C and I are friends and love each other in a friend-only sense, while J and I love each other in a relationship sense.

Lately, I've discovered that the closer I grow, emotionally, to J, the harder it is for me to accept my role as secondary in the triad. I've expressed this concern to J in an attempt to be open and honest (this is my very first experience with a poly-relationship) with him about the status of our relationship.

He claims that I am only a "secondary" in my own head, that there is no difference between OUR relationship and THEIR relationship. From a practical standpoint, I don't believe this because they share resources and time and physical space that J and I don't have (they live together and I am away from them while I'm finishing school).

Does anyone have any advice about how to express my concerns in a different way? I don't doubt that he views C and I as "equals" in terms of his love toward us, but in my mind, that does not necessarily mean we are actually "equals".

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated :)

Emm 02-01-2014 03:27 AM

Why "of sorts"? Your description of the relationship sounds like a textbook poly Vee to me. Do you subscribe to the "if everyone's not sleeping with everyone else it's not poly" school of thought?

Dagferi 02-01-2014 03:55 AM

My guys are friends but we are by no means a triad. Both my men are very straight .

That makes us a vee.

Emm 02-01-2014 04:12 AM

If you're already feeling a bit insecure, throwing a helping of "...and it's not even poly" on top isn't going to help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aharri32 (Post 258526)
Does anyone have any advice about how to express my concerns in a different way?

Try describing the specifics of what's bothering you rather than attributing behaviours to a label and blaming that. It's probably not that you're wearing the "secondary" label that bothers you, it may be that you can't share resources and time the way J does with C. It may be that you feel you have to be closeted. It may be that the way he expresses love is different from the way you perceive it. It may be something completely different, but whatever it is, saying "I'm not happy with being a secondary" isn't going to help anyone deal with the issue that's actually causing the problem.

london 02-01-2014 07:03 AM

Quote:

I am currently in a poly-relationship (of sorts) and have been for the past...six months or so. I say "of sorts" because I am in a relationship with J, who is married to C. C and I are friends and love each other in a friend-only sense, while J and I love each other in a relationship sense.
That's polyamory.
Quote:

Lately, I've discovered that the closer I grow, emotionally, to J, the harder it is for me to accept my role as secondary in the triad. I've expressed this concern to J in an attempt to be open and honest (this is my very first experience with a poly-relationship) with him about the status of our relationship.
So he already has entanglements with his other partner which makes them a primary relationship and you don't have them so you're secondary and that makes you unhappy. You do realise you can find another partner simultaneously who is available for primary style entanglements?
Quote:

He claims that I am only a "secondary" in my own head, that there is no difference between OUR relationship and THEIR relationship. From a practical standpoint, I don't believe this because they share resources and time and physical space that J and I don't have (they live together and I am away from them while I'm finishing school).
Most people will only share primary style entanglements with one partner, especially if they are in a vee like you are and not a triad witheveryone romantically and sexually involved. He already has that with her so more than likely is not able to offer that to other partners. He might be. They might be willing to consider another person sharing their home, finances etc, but probably not. This does not mean you don't matter, he doesn't love you as much or anything like that. It just means those shared assets won't be a part of your relationship. But you can absolutely seek them with someone else.

Quote:

Does anyone have any advice about how to express my concerns in a different way? I don't doubt that he views C and I as "equals" in terms of his love toward us, but in my mind, that does not necessarily mean we are actually "equals".
No, it doesn't. I think you need to do less pressuring him to replicate his relationship with her, with you, and find someone available to share the practical entanglements which make a relationship primary. Forcing, manipulating, blackmailing, begging or guilting him into taking steps with you that he doesn't have the resources to manage isn't a very nice thing to do. Take advantage of polyamory by allowing several people to meet your needs and not lumping them all onto one individual.

Magdlyn 02-01-2014 01:13 PM

Perhaps you are experiencing envy. You're away from your lover and metamour while you are at school. Will you be living much closer to him when school is over?

I am in a V with a man and a woman. I share a living space with my gf, and my bf shares a living space with his wife. However, he and I share lots of love, give each other lots of attention. We communicate several times a day in online chat, and visit in person several times a week, go on dates, have lots of sex, he even helps us with our home maintenance like a real husband :p . So, I have no envy or worries about being secondary to his wife.

What changes can you make to feel closer to your bf?

LovingRadiance 02-01-2014 10:52 PM

Can you break it down to what actions you want that you don't have? Instead of the comparison with the other person AND without the vague words "primary" and "secondary"?

There are whole threads of arguing where people are incapable of agreeing to a specific definition for "primary" and "secondary".
Some people who live together and share finances and beds and all of that-still consider themselves in hierarchy relationship dynamics.
Some people who live separate do not.

Much easier to drop those terms out and stick with the specific and concrete things you want and don't have.

nycindie 02-02-2014 01:03 AM

You don't have to share all those resources like a home, finances, etc., to be considered a co-primary. Many people conduct poly relationships without a hierarchy and view each relationship they have as equally important. That is sometimes called an egalitarian approach. So, what prevents you from believing him when he says you are not secondary?

london 02-02-2014 07:31 AM

Quote:

From a practical standpoint, I don't believe this because they share resources and time and physical space that J and I don't have (they live together and I am away from them while I'm finishing school)
OP made it pretty clear that it's those practical entanglements she seeks.

Emm 02-02-2014 07:45 AM

I don't think aharri32 has told J that in so many words, though. She has said she doesn't like being secondary, but she may not have told him why she feels she is or what she'd like him to do about it.


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