Polyamory.com Forum

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-   -   New member intro (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68692)

Leo 02-01-2014 01:51 AM

New member intro
Hello all,

I thought I'd introduce myself as I've been lurking on this forum for a while and finally decided to register.

In 29 days, I'm getting married to a wonderful woman I love deeply. We've both been poly in the past, but closed our relationship when we realized the feelings we had for each other. This worked out well for us, but recently the discussion of opening the relationship has come up. I had a bad experience with my last poly relationship (she cheated, lied, etc) so I've been a bit hesitant to open things up again, especially with someone I feel so strongly about. Once bitten, twice shy sort of thing. While the Wife-To-Be isn't pushing in any way, she's told me that she wouldn't mind an open relationship.

In theory, I have no issue with the wife getting a bit on the side. In practice, I'm feeling insecure. Possibly because I know the person that she'd play with first (and soon). He's a good guy and fellow vet (that goes a long way with me). The thought of her having sex with him isn't the issue (or the biggest issue), it's the thought of her having a relationship with him. I know that's not very PC, but it's the truth.

So I'm joining this forum for support and for help in understanding my feelings. I'd like to thank everyone for posting. Your sharing has already helped me understand my feelings, and I look forward to contributing my own story as life progresses.

As an aside, I'm rather tipsy right now, so if this post is incoherent or rambling, I blame Kraken brand rum. :-)

kdt26417 02-01-2014 02:22 AM

Greetings Leo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Mmmm. Kraken brand rum. I'll try it. ;)

Sounds like you're getting things figured out pretty well just from what you've read so far, but don't hesitate to field any questions you may have, and we'll try to answer. I'm usually pretty good about following the intro board so post a question here and I'll be sure to answer (to the best of my knowledge).

I'm thinking you know of our blog/life story board, and I recommend posting there when you get to where you're ready to share your story. As for worrying more about the "relationship-on-the-side" than the "sex-on-the-side," that's not a major issue, it can go either way. Actually it's more common (in the surveys I've heard of) for women to be more worried about the extra relationship and less about the extra sex; men seem to tend to be more likely to have issues with the extra sex but not so much the extra relationship. [shrug] Is what it is; the point is you just want to figure out how to work through your insecurities, whatever they are.

It would probably be wise to go slowly about this opening-up thing in your relationship. You are still feeling gun shy and need some time to work out what you are dealing with in your own mind. When your last poly experience left a stinger in your heart it's no surprise that you'd be struggling with the idea now.

I hope that Polyamory.com will continue to be a helpful resource for you.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Leo 02-01-2014 04:22 PM

Thanks Kevin! Browsing around this site and parsing my feelings, hopes and concerns has already started several good dialogs with the fiancee. I'm lucky in that our communication has always been great. That's probably the most important thing I've learned from a failed marriage years ago. Communication is the key to success.

kdt26417 02-01-2014 11:20 PM

It is indeed; glad to hear you are opening some new communication doorways with your fiancée.

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