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-   -   New here and seeking advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68659)

CrowInk 01-30-2014 08:04 PM

New here and seeking advice
 
Hello all,

Let me start off by introducing myself: i'm 26 and a complete and utter newbie in this world of polyamory. I joined this site for several very important reasons so I would really like to be out in the open here. I'm bisexual, I'm in a relationship with someone who I wish to remain with for the rest of my life, he is my first "boyfriend" and partner, and we are both mostly introverted people whom are generally shy. With that said I actually have not read your forums yet, I know there is many good pages of advice I have yet to read through but I am also seeking personal help and advice on our journey.

Throughout our relationship I had come to understand my deep attraction to the same sex. I have never been with a woman but I know the rush of embarrassment, lust, and feeling of need that I have when I find women attractive - inside and out, can only mean that I crave the attentions of the same sex... and more.

I know the term unicorn, but frankly I would rather have the woman being the one in the relationship with my partner first and foremost than have someone be our unicorn. I suppose I desire that sort of submissive subservient relationship for the woman to have everything and I provide the gravy. At least, I'm trying to convey that we aren't going to get married, but I would want someone to marry him and to be their pet. I must also admit, I don't want another male in the relationship since I am sensitive in that regard.

It might be my fetish in voyeurism, but being that "second fiddle" is what I really desire, but how does that come to fruition? I want her to have the world, and perhaps give me her scraps. I'm pretty submissive inside and out and I love it that way.

I never really talk about those desires, since like I stated before I am a shy person. I haven't really come out of the closet, bisexually speaking, and I am really hesitant to do so in my everyday life. I don't really know how attracted I am to males as opposed to females but I do know I love my partner. I suppose some of the more mundane and boring things about me is that I have a love of tech and art. Oh, did I mention I have never uttered what I have typed above to anyone but him? I am eager to relay my feelings and actually pretty desperate to get out of my shell..

Phew, well now that I have said all that I hope I get a warm welcome from all and I really hope I have not offended anyone. Perhaps a hand in the right direction would be helpful :)

london 01-30-2014 08:22 PM

I'd say your partner has to do the looking. The person has to be .highly compatible with him and be able to accept you as the pet.

This could work for me if you mean what you say. You'd be my maid, massage therapist, PA and nanny. You wouldn't be having kids with our shared partner because it's easier for me and we wouldn't have sex unless I want to treat our partner. He could have sex with you. It would be cool.

kdt26417 01-30-2014 08:34 PM

Greetings CrowInk,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I can't think of a "Step A, Step B" procedure for assembling the kind of poly configuration you're looking for; it is in fact my observation that poly usually configures itself, and defies our initial wishes, ideals, and/or expectations. You have to be open to the possibility that what happens may actually prove to be better than what you thought would or wanted to have happen.

Having said that, I think your best odds would be (for you and/or your partner) to just get out there and start meeting people, letting them know early on what your hopes and intentions are for a future relationship. We have a Dating & Friendships subforum on this site which is a great place to start. Also I know of two good poly-friendly dating sites:
And, you can look for local poly groups in your area. Some sites to help with that are:
And,
Quote:

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

These are the best ways I know of for hooking up with someone in a general poly sense. To get the specific dynamic you're after, you'll have to use your judgment on when to tell the people you're dating exactly what you want. Generally earlier is probably better than later for something like that.

Hope that helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

pulliman 01-30-2014 08:47 PM

Don't worry about offending people on this board! It's all good. Asking should always be safe. Coming out (even anonymously) is really hard. Congrats on speaking up. I know it took me years to speak up (even under a pseudonym) about what I was living.

I think the name for what you're describing, in the kink world, is being a cuckquean (the female version of a cuckold, I guess).

For this... I don't know, maybe you can talk to your boyfriend into doing this with him, and that part of the "game" is that you bring home the partners. That's more for the sexual side, and not the relationship side. From the relationship side, I dunno, that's a complicated dynamic, but one I'm sure can be found or created over time.

Because your boyfriend knows what you're wishing for, maybe he can help you move forward with it, as well. Help you discover what you want - him in a committed relationship with someone else, and you in a relationship with her, as well, but you no longer in a sexual relationship with him? You occasionally bringing home someone you serve, while she is with him? The details might really matter, but as long as you two are walking this path together, and know what you seek (and know what seems impossible to find, etc.), then I think you might just find what you're looking for!

CrowInk 01-30-2014 10:26 PM

I'll do my best to reply to all of you, thank you for all the replies so far!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417
Greetings CrowInk,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I can't think of a "Step A, Step B" procedure for assembling the kind of poly configuration you're looking for; it is in fact my observation that poly usually configures itself, and defies our initial wishes, ideals, and/or expectations. You have to be open to the possibility that what happens may actually prove to be better than what you thought would or wanted to have happen.


...

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them....

Kevin,

Thank you for the welcome! I kind of figured that most poly relationships do configure themselves, but again this entire world is new and mysterious to me. I am definitely open-minded in this journey as well its just taking the first step out there is the hard part!

I will take a look at those links and will look very closely. As for meeting people at those types of places, we already do a lot of those sorts of things already and find it difficult to strike up that type of conversation to begin with but I see what you are saying. I'm sure there is a thread somewhere in this website that deals with opening conversations and ice-breakers.




Quote:

Originally Posted by london
I'd say your partner has to do the looking. The person has to be .highly compatible with him and be able to accept you as the pet.

This could work for me if you mean what you say. You'd be my maid, massage therapist, PA and nanny. You wouldn't be having kids with our shared partner because it's easier for me and we wouldn't have sex unless I want to treat our partner. He could have sex with you. It would be cool.

London, what you described is what I'm talking about. I absolutely do not want to be the one having children with him as well... that is his wife's station. I am quite good already at being a PA, nanny, maid, and massage therapist since I have dabbled in a bit of all of that throughout my life. I do mean what I say, I mustered the confidence to be truly honest with myself for the first time.

I am going to try to get him on this forum so that he too can express himself and, as I see there is a section for dating and relationship, to perhaps start meeting people whom are willing to travel on such a path. It makes me very happy that I have expressed myself correctly that you can gather what my goals are in a relationship, but will I see you in a relationship thread if I make one? I would like to continue our conversation further..

Quote:

Originally Posted by pulliman
Don't worry about offending people on this board! It's all good. Asking should always be safe......
...
but as long as you two are walking this path together, and know what you seek (and know what seems impossible to find, etc.), then I think you might just find what you're looking for!

Thank you pulliman, yes coming out is still something i'm coming to terms with. Cuckquean... I never even knew of that term! I.. I think you are very spot on in that regard. Yes you are right that I want him in a committed relationship with someone else and I in a relationship with her and him to whatever level they wish to have me. I do want a sexual relationship with him, whenever she wants me to or he wants me to... and hoping with her as well (I always want whats best for him and his wife!), but again there are many facets to this path I am finding so your words are very helpful... Thank you SO much for giving me encouragement, that means so much.

Again thank you all for giving me such great advice. I'm going to try to become a more active member on this website so I can get to know and understand the world of polyamory and actually be able to find our own spot.

--

All in all.. I suppose I'll try to sum up my feelings- I want a woman who will become attached and love my partner, I want her to become happy, have children with him and all other aspects of a successful marriage and life and I want to be your little lady pet, will never be jealous of your relationship and love both of you with all of my heart and body. Being frank that is... Of course I want to be useful to you both and have you thrive in my company. I will always be there in love, companionship, and will meet any sexual needs you both desire of me.

-

Well there is my heart poured out, which is very embarrassing, but there you go!

Magdlyn 01-30-2014 10:33 PM

Hi, welcome, and congrats on articulating and owning your sexual and relationship desires!

Sounds like you are a submissive and want your man to be your Dominant. You want him to have a primary female partner, and to serve them both, perhaps co-Dom you.

Welcome to the world of BDSM. You can be poly and kinky. This board is great for learning poly relationship skills. However, if you want to learn more about Dom/sub, Master/slave lifestyles, try the website called Fetlife. It's like Facebook for kinky people, and there are many online groups there you can join to read or ask questions of experienced Doms, Dommes, subs and slaves. It can also link you up to "munches" (non-sexual meet and greets for kinksters for socializing) so you can meet people like you in your area. I know you're both introverted, lots of Masters and slaves are, but if you want your Sir to find a gf, you'll need to get out there.

Good luck on your quest for fulfillment.

CrowInk 01-30-2014 10:54 PM

besides wsfused
 
Thank you so much for the congrats, it means a lot.

Ah, that website, I have to look into it as well. Again I am pleased I have gotten my feelings and points across. You are exactly correct in analyzing my relationship desires. Is it really obtainable? It seems like a fantasy that only lives in dreams, sometimes. It is a new year and one of my resolutions was to finally own up to myself and start working towards that dream. Thank you for all that information and encouragement, it helps me greatly!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 258435)
Hi, welcome, and congrats on articulating and owning your sexual and relationship desires!

Sounds like you are a submissive and want your man to be your Dominant. You want him to have a primary female partner, and to serve them both, perhaps co-Dom you.

Welcome to the world of BDSM. You can be poly and kinky. This board is great for learning poly relationship skills. However, if you want to learn more about Dom/sub, Master/slave lifestyles, try the website called Fetlife. It's like Facebook for kinky people, and there are many online groups there you can join to read or ask questions of experienced Doms, Dommes, subs and slaves. It can also link you up to "munches" (non-sexual meet and greets for kinksters for socializing) so you can meet people like you in your area. I know you're both introverted, lots of Masters and slaves are, but if you want your Sir to find a gf, you'll need to get out there.

Good luck on your quest for fulfillment.


Magdlyn 01-30-2014 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrowInk (Post 258438)
Thank you so much for the congrats, it means a lot.

Ah, that website, I have to look into it as well. Again I am pleased I have gotten my feelings and points across. You are exactly correct in analyzing my relationship desires. Is it really obtainable? It seems like a fantasy that only lives in dreams, sometimes. It is a new year and one of my resolutions was to finally own up to myself and start working towards that dream. Thank you for all that information and encouragement, it helps me greatly!

Good for you, dear. Yes, there are thousands if not millions of people living to one degree or another in D/s type relationships. Go on over to Fetlife and look, you will find your slave sisters (pets, subs, babygirls) galore. People to learn from and network with! I'm there under the same name so look me up if you want a friend.

My own younger gf miss pixi has herself lived as a slave to more than one couple, one was a serious relationship that lasted years, one was a once a week thing where she'd do domestic work and have some sexy time as well. Just be patient, it's up to your Master to find the right woman for this arrangement.

CrowInk 01-31-2014 12:24 AM

under iifint
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 258439)
Good for you, dear. Yes, there are thousands if not millions of people living to one degree or another in D/s type relationships. Go on over to Fetlife and look, you will find your slave sisters (pets, subs, babygirls) galore. People to learn from and network with! I'm there under the same name so look me up if you want a friend.

My own younger gf miss pixi has herself lived as a slave to more than one couple, one was a serious relationship that lasted years, one was a once a week thing where she'd do domestic work and have some sexy time as well. Just be patient, it's up to your Master to find the right woman for this arrangement.


I joined the site, thanks for all your help so far!


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