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-   -   It doesn't feel like a compliment (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68645)

Vinccenzo 01-29-2014 06:59 PM

It doesn't feel like a compliment
 
I don't know if anyone else experiences this but what is up with new partners and their willingness to hop in bed with the OSO of their new crush without having ever met or spoken to them?

My husband consistently finds female partners who, at best, might have seen a picture of me and express a willingness to have threesomes. I am aware that some people are into truly anonymous sex. I just can't get with that myself and I don't find it to be a compliment that someone would have sex with me without getting to know me. HE isn't even into anonymous sex. We tried this before and it was awful to have someone not seem to want to know me prior and never try to know me after either and they continue dating.

It irritates me that my husband thinks its a compliment. I tell him perhaps it is and they are complimenting HIM in some "I'm so turned on I'd screw anyone you want" kind of way. But he always seems stunned that I'm not flattered or interested. In fact if I were to be interested, hearing this out of someone who has never met me kills all possibility that it might happen. I seem unable to find the right words to express how this makes me feel. I try and he thinks I'm making assumptions.

Spock 01-29-2014 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinccenzo (Post 258334)
I don't know if anyone else experiences this but what is up with new partners and their willingness to hop in bed with the OSO of their new crush without having ever met or spoken to them?

My husband consistently finds female partners who, at best, might have seen a picture of me and express a willingness to have threesomes. I am aware that some people are into truly anonymous sex. I just can't get with that myself and I don't find it to be a compliment that someone would have sex with me without getting to know me. HE isn't even into anonymous sex. We tried this before and it was awful to have someone not seem to want to know me prior and never try to know me after either and they continue dating.

It irritates me that my husband thinks its a compliment. I tell him perhaps it is and they are complimenting HIM in some "I'm so turned on I'd screw anyone you want" kind of way. But he always seems stunned that I'm not flattered or interested. In fact if I were to be interested, hearing this out of someone who has never met me kills all possibility that it might happen. I seem unable to find the right words to express how this makes me feel. I try and he thinks I'm making assumptions.

Maybe you are that hot.

Do you have no 'I would be gay for X' actors or actresses?

I mean, I don't have a "I would be gay for X", so I can understand what you're saying, but most people do. My wife is hot for Zachary Quinto, for example.

PolyinPractice 01-29-2014 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spock (Post 258336)
Maybe you are that hot.

Do you have no 'I would be gay for X' actors or actresses?

I mean, I don't have a "I would be gay for X", so I can understand what you're saying, but most people do. My wife is hot for Zachary Quinto, for example.

Your wife being hot for a guy makes her gay how?

Vinccenzo 01-29-2014 07:21 PM

I can recognize someone as attractive on sight. It doesn't mean I want to be intimate with them. I think different actors or musicians (male and female) are attractive but I don't know them so I can't say if I want to have sex with them or not. A person could be the hottest I've ever seen but if they are not nice or have something about them I can admire beyond how they look, I want nothing to do with them sexually.

london 01-29-2014 07:21 PM

I had a Dom once who I was mono/poly with.. I was mono by choice. Anyway, one of his subs knew me and that I'm straight. To kind of compete, she'd always try and highlight that she was willing to have sex with me and imply that I wasn't as committed sub/kinky as her. I haven't thought about her for ages, and then I read this.

Spock 01-29-2014 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 258341)
Your wife being hot for a guy makes her gay how?

It doesn't. That's the idiomatic expression of "I would change my orientation just so I could be with that person regardless of either of our respective orientations."

Vinccenzo 01-29-2014 07:42 PM

I'm not going to have sex with someone just because my husband might find it hot.
If I behaved this way as his wife, wanting to fuck everyone he met, there are plenty on here who would say we were predatory and treating people like objects - yes?

nycindie 01-29-2014 08:03 PM

Well, of course it doesn't feel like a compliment. You've been objectified. It's like the chick wants a threesome and thinks she can just insert whatever pretty woman she comes across into the situation - and the objectified woman should feel special for that? I guess a lot of men don't understand how icky and distasteful that is, since women are constantly treated this way in society - as if our looks are all there is to who we are. I'd feel insulted, creeped out, and turned off if I were you, as well -- and frustrated with him, too.

Spock 01-29-2014 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vinccenzo (Post 258349)
I'm not going to have sex with someone just because my husband might find it hot.
If I behaved this way as his wife, wanting to fuck everyone he met, there are plenty on here who would say we were predatory and treating people like objects - yes?

I'm not suggesting otherwise.

I'm not like that either, I've never met anyone I would instantly drop my pants for.

Well, not yet, I guess.

I was just explaining how it might seem to him/other if you are in fact that hot.

Vinccenzo 01-29-2014 08:37 PM

That hot or not, it is still a complete disregard of who I am other than what I look like so....not a compliment. It feels like a want to remove me as a person and a want to make who I am not matter. It feels like an act of aggression coming from another woman because she should? know what its like to be wanted for her body only.


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