Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Am I actually poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68626)

Jenikyula 01-28-2014 08:00 AM

Am I actually poly?
 
I've been in a monogamous relationship for almost two years and while I'm certain monogamy isn't for me, how do I know if I'm truly poly? There are a few "symptoms" I've observed in myself.

I'm really not a jealous person and the jealousy of my partner annoys me and turns me off. I'm also bothered when she wants me to rank our relationship as the most important relationship in my life, and rank her as the most important person in my life. I like making connections with people and flirting with people. Before my relationship I had a few casual sexual encounters which meant a lot to me; I felt like I made a really intense, open emotional connection in addition to the physical one. I think back to those encounters fondly and lovingly.

Is this enough for me to call myself polyamarous?

GalaGirl 01-28-2014 03:37 PM

Other people do not decide who you are and what to call it. YOU decide who you are and what to call it. You seem to be in a process of figuring stuff out for yourself -- which is fine. How can people help you in your thought process?

In my definitions?
  • Monoamorous -- the desire or capacity to share love with one person at a time
  • Polyamorous -- the desire or capacity to share love with more than one person at a time.
  • Monosexual -- the desire or capacity to share sex with one person at a time
  • Polysexual -- the desire or capacity to share sex with more than one person at a time. (Not necessarily group sex, just having more than one concurrent lover)

So to me? I see you here:

You mention it being 2 years with this person in your intro thread, so part of the sorting out could be related to the New Relationship Energy (NRE) wearing off and coming down off that brain chemistry high.

At this time you are also figuring out
  • if you are (a polyamorous and/or polysexual person)
  • if you wish to continue participating in a monogamous relationship
  • if you wish to renegotiate agreements with this partner because you miss the freedom to have casual sex encounters
  • if you wish to end it with this partner
  • if you prefer a different open model relationship instead.

Galagirl

Jenikyula 01-29-2014 05:47 AM

Wow, that's an excellent analysis, GalaGirl.

monkeystyle 01-29-2014 07:23 PM

Jenikyula,

You're better off avoiding labels, stick to what you want and who you are - and leave the definitions by the wayside. Mono/poly labels are rather meaningless and limiting when looking an individual's particular needs and wants. Likely as not, you have a lot of fluidity and can be either or both depending on your exact circumstances and mindset. If you want more connections, it doesn't make you anything except a person who wants more connections.

Your girlfriend probably puts more emphasis on you ranking her as being more important because you may not be the kind of guy who blindly says whatever their partner wants to hear - possibly.

nycindie 01-29-2014 08:14 PM

I don't see polyamory as something people are. I see it as something they do, live, practice, or desire to do, live, and practice. I think anyone asking themselves whether they're poly is a bit off the mark. It's like contemplating your belly-button. I think it's better to ask yourself if you are happy and fulfilled in your current relationship, what kind of relationships you want, and how to create what you want in your life. Much more practical that way.

monkeystyle 01-30-2014 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 258358)
I don't see polyamory as something people are. I see it as something they do, live, practice, or desire to do, live, and practice. I think anyone asking themselves whether they're poly is a bit off the mark. It's like contemplating your belly-button. I think it's better to ask yourself if you are happy and fulfilled in your current relationship, what kind of relationships you want, and how to create what you want in your life. Much more practical that way.

Completely agreed. One could apply that same statement to virtually any movement, practice, etc. I suppose human beings need to compartmentalize themselves for reasons of validation and self-direction, but that seems more problematic than helpful in the end.

Brighty18 02-03-2014 05:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenikyula (Post 258291)
Wow, that's an excellent analysis, GalaGirl.

Ditto the above!

Becca 02-09-2014 06:48 PM

I agree-- it's not something you are, it's something you do. You may be "built" with an inclination towards one relationship model over another, but *every* relationship model takes work and communication skills. Different models have different challenges.

It sounds like the first thing you have to do is figure out whether you and your partner can reach some common ground about the ways you want to live. It sounds like a non-hierarchal model of poly appeals to you, but that hierarchy (and primary status) are important to her. If compromise isn't possible, then you have to decide if this relationship is right for you.

In my experience, the non-hierarchal model appealed most to me on a philosophical level, but it was also really, really hard on a practical level. (Big asterix here-- I'm monogamous now, so maybe not the best advice-giver for poly.)

But that goes back to my first point. Being poly or mono isn't about who I am, but how I do things. My needs have changed over the years, and mono meets my needs now. It didn't meet the needs I had 8 years ago-- poly met those needs much better. I'm still the same person, just in a different place.


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:32 PM.