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-   -   Indrocuing myself and looking for incite (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68610)

Audball 01-26-2014 11:53 PM

Indrocuing myself and looking for incite
I've been replying in my husbands introduction tread, but I decided I should also make my own introduction!

My husband, W, was calling me A, so I'll stick with that. I'm 35, he's 34. We've been friends since high school, nearly 20 years now. 5 years ago we got back in touch with each other after a few years of not talking. We quickly started dating. Over the years when we did get back in touch, he had let it slip that he crushed on me in hs. This time I admitted I also crushed on him, and since we were both unattached, it worked out. We've been married for a little over 2 years now. Our first child, a son, is due in 4 weeks! We are excited about becoming parents, as it was a struggle to even get to this point!

I am a monogamous person, pretty cut and dry. The thought of being able to fall for anyone else makes me think I'd be cheating on my husband. My husband has been involved in a polyamorus relationship in his past, so he understands the dynamic and sees a lot of positivity in a true poly relationship.

4 years ago, W started working a job in surveillance. There are 4 people on the shift, and they work in very close proximity, pretty much trapped in a small room together 40 hours a week. For the last, probably 2 years or so, the shift has been made up of my husband, 1 other man and 2 women. In the beginning, he would talk of both of the women without much interest, mostly showing contempt in a lot of their actions. Both like to gossip and have more of a high school mentality, rather than acting like adults. They have paired together and tried to get him in trouble at work. So I never dreamed that anything more could happen.

It was around October of last year that I started noticing a lot of communication (mostly text messaging) between my husband and one of his female co-workers, M. I asked him what was up, and at that time he said they were just talking about work. It kind of made sense to me at the time because there were a lot of changes being made and things going on. Most of the employees were not happy about it. But when the communication became more and more frequent, I started questioning it being just work that they were talking about. I again questioned my husband, and even went behind his back and contacted M (which was wrong of me). Both said it was all work related... I also questioned my husband as to why he was spending so much time communicating with someone who had stabbed him in the back. He said they had had a meeting, she had apologized and realized it had been a mistake to try to get him in trouble. They were becoming friends.

Fast forward to the end of December. This was actually when I contacted M myself, I believe it was the 30th. The next day is when my husband admitted he had more than just friendship feelings for M. Over the next few days he began to open up more about his past and his feelings for M. He told me about his polyamorus relationship in which he was the bf to a wife and the husband also had a gf. He tried to explain the dynamic of it, but it was difficult for me to really grasp the concept.

Then on Jan 2nd M told him about seeing another man and kissing him... this caused my husband to have an emotional breakdown. I watched as my husband completely fell apart... I was difficult and something I never care to witness again. He let it all out that night, told me everything, and that his feelings for M had been much deeper than either of us had though. He wasn't "in love" but his feelings are very strong.

I was heartbroken, but at the time, I was more focused on getting him through his breakdown. He is now working to end his friendship and feelings for M.

It's a daily struggle for both of us. I struggle with feelings of betrayal, not being able to fully grasp the idea that he could have feelings for another woman. I feel guilty and like I am making him end a friendship with someone who fills a void in him that I cannot.

Even though he's very reassuring that it has absolutely nothing to do with me, nothing missing from me, and it's not, nor will it ever, take away from what we have, it's hard for me not to think that there isn't issues with me or us. After all, when I researched emotional affairs, that is pretty much all they say... that there is something missing from your marriage, or some underlying issue that caused him to seek someone else. It's confusing.

And that is why I am here. To try to learn from others experiences. To find a more positive view point, that doesn't say my only options are divorce or "just deal with it". And if I'm lucky, maybe find someone who has been in a similar situation with some incite. At this point, W is in no way trying to get me to change my viewpoint or feelings toward what has happened, nor is he trying to get me to accept a poly relationship. Our goal at the moment is to help process what has happened, move forward, and to try to better understand each other.

In some ways, I'm almost glad this happened. He's opened up so much more to me, and I to him, as well. We're dealing with more than just this situation, but also some issues from our pasts. We seem to argue less (except when I revert and then we sometimes get a little heated talking about this situation) and it truly feels like our connection is becoming stronger. But I still struggle to understand why, or how, this could happen. I struggle with my emotions. I struggle to keep images of the two of them together out of my head (even though they've not shared more than a hug). But every day seems to get a little bit better.

I welcome any incite anyone may have... comments from anyone who has dealt with or is still struggling with a situation such as this would be very much appreciated. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with a poly relationship, but I would, at the very least, like to learn more and open my mind a little more to the ideas, so that I can better understand how my husbands mind works.

InfinitePossibility 01-27-2014 10:08 AM


I have never been in your position. I've never married and don't have children. However, I notice that your husband, W, and his friend from work, M, began to develop their friendship and keep in very close contact during October of last year. This would be when you were pregnant, yes?

I have been reading this message board for a number of years now and situations where a pregnant wife is suddenly faced with her husband's desire to be poly are not uncommon. It crops up fairly regularly. Sometimes the husband has girlfriend he is sexual with, sometimes it's just the desire to be poly. In your case, there is the emotional stuff between your husband and his workmate and a sudden announcement of his positivity about poly (something that he hadn't thought to mention any time before in the 5 years you've been seeing each other??)

I'd guess that for a lot of men, the reality of a baby is hard to deal with and they seek escape. I don't see it as great behaviour to exhibit but it seems to happen. Maybe if you do a search on these boards on pregnancy it'll throw up some of the other similar threads.


Originally Posted by Audball (Post 258150)
Then on Jan 2nd M told him about seeing another man and kissing him... this caused my husband to have an emotional breakdown. I watched as my husband completely fell apart... I was difficult and something I never care to witness again.

All of the timing of this revelation aside, I'd be a little bit concerned about seeing this sort of behaviour in your husband. So - he has a friend at work. They've become close, shared feelings etc. They spend lots of time together and it has become a strong friendship.

The friend kisses somebody else and your husband falls apart? Really?

Whatever your husband may have said, there is more to polyamory than just having feelings for more than one person. I'd guess that most of us can do that. The trick to it is managing to juggle more than one relationship. Coping with things like our loves kissing and having sex with other people. That's the reality of choosing a poly lifestyle and it sounds as if that might be incredibly difficult for your husband. And so incredibly difficult for you - you've been picking up the pieces following a new year kiss. It's not a situation I would be keen to enter into.


Even though he's very reassuring that it has absolutely nothing to do with me, nothing missing from me, and it's not, nor will it ever, take away from what we have, it's hard for me not to think that there isn't issues with me or us. After all, when I researched emotional affairs, that is pretty much all they say... that there is something missing from your marriage, or some underlying issue that caused him to seek someone else. It's confusing.
I've read similar stories often enough to believe your husband that it's nothing to do with you. I'd guess that it's to do with the pregnancy. Your marriage and relationship is changing and even though it's changing by choice, some people struggle to deal with those changes. Sounds like your husband is one of them.

I think it is a real shame that he chose deal with that by developing a friendship while deceiving you about the nature of it. Worse that he continues to talk to you about poly and the positives in it and continues to seek your support for getting over the loss of his friendship.

I think that he has a lot of making up to do and I hope that he spends the rest of the pregnancy and the early months with your new baby doing just that.

He's lucky that you haven't left him and that you are being understanding. I'm not sure I would be so kind in your shoes.


kdt26417 01-27-2014 11:05 PM

Greetings Audball (and summertimesadness80!),
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Having read W's intro thread I know that he is not a bad guy per se, but let's say that he made some choices that were somewhat ill-advised. Perhaps now he realizes that, and is trying to untie himself from M. Which is a good thing.

In addition to a search (and/or tag search) on "pregnancy," I'd also do a search (and/or tag search) on "affair" ... on "emotional affair" if you prefer, but I bet many "affair threads" will contain similar perspective as will "emotional affair threads."

Additional sites/threads/books/boards to consider:
You might find thoughts and insights in the above list that help you wrap your mind around polyamory, even if you don't agree with all that you read in them and still don't "get" poly per se. Polyamory is a largely personal thing, and isn't a fit for everyone. But exposing yourself to what poly people have to say can help you to level the playing field with all of the monogamous conditioning that's out there in mainstream society.

Having said that, I recommend for you and W to put poly on the back burner for awhile and concentrate on your soon-to-be-born son. You can read and talk about poly a little here and there and that's fine, just don't overwhelm yourself. I'll try to answer any questions you may have for me if I can, and I know many other members will do so as well.

Hang in there and keep us posted,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Audball 01-28-2014 04:17 AM

Thank you for the replies! And also for the links. I will check them out!

My husband is not a bad guy, and I hope I didn't make him sound as if he is. He didn't plan for this to happen, nor want it to happen, it just did. Sure, the timing sucks because this does all coincide with me being pregnant, but he has been supportive throughout and right by my side.

He never brought up his past poly relationship because, truthfully, it wasn't relevant at the time. It wasn't something he was hiding from me, it was just something that we never discussed. I do not have to have to know everything from his past, just as he does not know everything from my own. When he realized his feelings is when he told me about his past poly relationship, and his reasoning is to try to help me understand the workings of his mind and how it is possible to care deeply for more than one woman (or person) at a time.

He's trying to help me understand, deal with, and eventually accept what has happened. He is not trying to change my way of thinking or get me into a poly relationship. And to be honest, I don't know that M would be interested in a poly relationship, either.

kdt26417 01-28-2014 11:06 PM

Man; not sure that M has decided quite what she'd be interested in yet. A relationship of some? any? kind? Maybe not. She seems a bit impulsive and immature at this stage in her life; some people have to grow out of the phase when they're all about getting attention, stimulation, and drama, you know?

So I'm getting that you and W aren't exactly thinking about "doing" poly in the future; you're just trying to make sense of how this could have happened right now. People have feelings for other people. It happens. All the affairs and divorces you read of in the tabloids will tell you that. Polyamory just offers a potentially positive way to deal with those wandering emotions.

You'll find, especially upon delving into those two books I've mentioned, that "wandering eyes" isn't necessarily at all a sign of something being wrong in the original relationship. Honestly, it really is just human nature. At the same time, I maintain that some folks are best off avoiding poly like the plague. And yet, it doesn't hurt to know what poly is and how it works.

Please keep us updated here on Polyamory.com on any little way we might be able to help.

Kevin T.

Audball 01-29-2014 01:29 AM

I'm not sure what her intentions are/were, either, and I don't think W really knows... He did say whenever I was mentioned she'd say she felt guilty and awkward, which leads me to believe she's not interested in a poly relationship, she just happens to have feelings for a married man. I can see how easy it would be to develop feeling for someone who is helping you through what has to be a very difficult time (divorce). And I can see her enjoying the attention, especially after what has happened with her marriage. As W shares more (and he's sharing EVERYTHING with me now) I'm gaining more insight on everything.

No, W & I are not planning on any sort of poly relationship, either now, or in the future. This was just the best way he could think of to help me gain a understanding of this crazy situation we are in. And it has helped a great deal. I find that I am opening up a bit more to the idea that he could have feeling for someone else, though I am completely against any sort of physical relationship. I really cannot see that changing. But a few days ago I was completely against the two of them even remaining friends at all.

At this point, I have made the decision myself to reach out to M with W's knowledge, and see if it is possible to work out a friendship. This is with the understanding that the lines of communication must remain open, and that the relationship cannot go past friendship. W assures me he will do nothing to risk what we have together. A lot of introspection brought me to this decision, and since there is not a physical relationship involved, I began to feel that my demands on ending what has only been a friendship with some feelings involved, is perhaps unreasonable of me. We'll see how things work themselves out.

I'd like to add that W had no input on this decision. I've spent the last few days thinking, feeling, and seeing or hearing every word they have said to each other... He has not put any pressure on me what-so-ever to come to this decision. In fact, he's been pretty adamant about completely ending things with her. Since she is a co-worker for now, there has to be some sort of relationship left in tact. I'd rather he be able to be comfortable at work than to force him to cut ties with her and make it awkward for him to do his job.

kdt26417 01-29-2014 09:08 PM

I think you have a good perspective on the situation, and will be able to work something out that's doable for all concerned.

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