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-   -   should i let love leave? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68577)

pumpkinpie92 01-23-2014 10:57 PM

should i let love leave?
Dear Poly Friends,

I'm new to this site, you can call me Nessa. I've been in a committed poly relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I've been poly for almost 4 year now. My current partner though has only been "poly" since we started dating. Originally "friends with benefits" we became very attached to each other. My only condition was the acceptance of my poly lifestyle. He agreed, and said he found it very eye opening and beautiful.

Fast forward a year into our relationship and we find a partner. Not really a partner we were attached to but more or less someone to have drunken fun with. He blossomed really well with the idea and began playing with more people. I was completely fine with this.

Now in current time I have finally found a poly boy that I'm very much attracted to physically and emotionally. It felt as if we were destined to meet and the chemicals raged between us. It felt so beautiful! I receive my boyfriends acceptance of this and we go on our first real date alone, without my primary partner. It was a magical time and we couldn't keep off of each other.

After the date, I come home and find my boyfriend asleep. I get in bed and cuddle next to him. Morning comes and he seems so distant to me. I couldn't help but feel as if i had done something wrong. he would barely speak to me and then left for school. He messages me later about how the date went. I tell him all about it, with much excitement. I guess that only aggravated him. He ends up sending me these rude text messages, making me out to sound like a slut. He tells me "it feels like a slap in the face." These things he said hurt so bad and make my heart wrench. When I come home after work, we continue this sad conversation.

He says things like "how can you be attracted to us both?." "how will you be able to spend time with both of us?" and so on and so forth. trying to be strong, I explain that this is who I am and if your not poly, then maybe we should stop here. I love him so much, but i cant deny my needs. he tells me he was thinking of purposing to me. He said he cant see his life sharing me with another man. Things became very clear to me at that point. If i keep on with this it will end tragically. I tell him to sleep on it, and we both rest our eyes. In the morning he tells me he cant lose me and is willing to try again.

Here is where I'm in much need for advice. How do I know really when to walk away. I'm in love with this man, I want to bear his children, and watch us grow old together. But if he cant live this lifestyle, I fear it will only end in tragedy. How does a person in love, let go of something so dear? I don't want to hurt him but i cant change who I am. Should I try again or is it too dangerous?

thank you for all your help, I hope all the love you seek flows gracefully into your life.


LovingRadiance 01-24-2014 03:37 AM

Before considering answering your poll I have a question.
At what point *should* you stop trying to help a child learn to walk?
When they fall the first time and start crying?
When they fall the second time and start crying?
After a specified number of falls?

I'm not being sarcastic at all.
But I am trying to reframe your question into a less volatile subject so you can see how it may appear to others.

For me-I can't imagine walking out on someone I love because they are struggling to find their way to being comfortable and accepting.
It took my husband over 3 years after I cheated on him to get to the point where he's able to reasonably accept that I am poly (and the whole time my bf has lived with us as well).
There was a lot of discomfort.
But it has been more than worth it.

The process of growing and learning and changing IS life. It's what makes a life, well... lived.
Likewise, living a life together is what makes a relationship a relationship... the relating to one another.
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's easy.

There is no hard and fast rule for "when" it's been "long enough".

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