Head spinning. Every day is a different adventure.
This will be my blog about the poly relationship I am in with a girl that I will simply call M. I am 42, male, straight, divorced with no kids, and lean monogamous. M is 20 years old, female, pansexual, never married, and polyamorous. I live in the house I inherited from my father, trying to make a living as an attorney, though things are slow. I rent out several rooms to make ends meet. M is a model with sporadic photoshoots, who lives at home with her parents and 18 year old brother.
M and I met when we were both enthralled with other people, but felt ourselves deeply connected. At the time, we were both heavily in the BDSM community. Myself as a D-type. Herself as an s-type. Our first date was absolutely magical, lasting for 3 days, and moving from butterflies across a Waffle House table, to holding each other and not wanting to let go as we watched the sun rise. In fact, after I left, she called me to come straight back (it's a 30 min drive) because she felt medically uneasy at my leaving. I did just that and calmed her down in a way she said she'd never felt before.
At that time she had a long-distance relationship with someone I'll call TB. TB had met her about a year prior in another town. She fell in love as he perhaps did, but really all that remained of their interaction was that he had her collared in a BDSM relationship (He was her Daddy), and she took the bus to see him once a month or three. She was afraid she was losing him and we bonded over my unrequited love for a girl I had just gotten out of a BDSM relationship with.
Despite our pinings, we had so many things in common - a love for food and travel and fashion, as well as the same sense of humor and must of the same pop-culture entertainment. She was always up front about being poly. She had even enforced that with TB, saying that she could date whomever she wanted. Having never dated anyone poly, I asked what that meant and she said that she "was able to date and love whomever she wanted and still date and love other people." I get it. You date around and have sex and develop feelings even for these people. All at the same time. Honestly, at the beginning I still was enthralled with my prior BDSM partner and could see me loving both of them at the same time. I got it and decided it was something I wanted because I was (and still am) really into M.
reserved to fill in later.
An amazing development.
Last night, M told me she believed I was her soulmate. You gotta understand, this is someone that gets nervous at even calling anything a relationship. Someone who has professed to be poly to the core and had a major breakup 6 months ago. To be fair, I myself, got divorced about 8 months ago.
She'd gone on a trip with her mother and brother to watch her brother play guitar and sing at a folk/blues club and had a night out. I myself was actually on a date with a new person who was interesting but not a real spark. M and I texted each other sporadically throughout the night, but about 1:20 in the morning, I get a text saying "Can you get me some wine? I'm sad tonight." I did just that and got home right before she did.
Instantly she cuddled me and got close. We usually have a DD/lg dynamic, but she needed some adult attention this time. We hugged for a long time, watched a movie, talked about her new idea to start sculpting...and really just talked. She had her wine. Not a lot really. Sitting to my right on the couch she looked up at me with her big doe eyes and said, "I think you're my soulmate." *BOOM* I melted.
She wasn't asking for anything or needing anything other than love. And I responded that I felt the same way because I do.
I don't think this will change our status as poly by any means. I can't say that my mono brain wouldn't enjoy that just a little, but I'm learning to adjusting and doing better every time.
Getting my hopes up that this means exactly what I want or need it to mean isn't smart. But I did ask her this morning, before I left for work, if she remembered what she'd said. She said yes. I asked her if she still meant it, and she said yes.
So here I am. It's 3 o'clock and I cant shut my brain off.
Earlier today we had an argument about the frequency of our sexlife. She cried and got really anxious. I dont fault her for that. We almost didn't go on the trip. ffter that huge discussion where she knew I wanted more sex, here we are and nothing. Its like she's totally forgotten.
She tells me so much that she loves me but she uses the baby persona to keep me at bay, and I'm really tired of it.
The purpose of the trip is to take her to a car show where she has a modelling job. The photos will be on a car mag cover and in a full spread as well. She couldn't have made the trip without me taking her, but she didn't have to do a hard sell. I love her so I offered. It's also a great chance for us to take a trip to the beach. She's never been to the beach with a boyfriend/lover so I really want to make those memories. We're staying at my property down in Mobile, which I inherited from my father who in turn inherited it from my grandmother. My deadbeat uncle stays there at the moment.
So...On the trip down she mentioned giving me a blowjob but nothing. I've driven her down here, Gotten her hats done. Bought her outfits and strange and makeup and given her a place to sleep in Mobile ... but its like I'm back to being the gay best friend again. I packed all our suitcases and made sure that we had everything we needed just so this trip would go off without a hitch. And what response do I get? A platonic cuddle partner.
I'm afraid of what this means. I love her and her company. But it might mean we're just friends, despite all the love talk. Ultimately I know I'm afraid of being alone which is a major character flaw in me.
I don't think she's just using me for what I'm spending on her...at least not consciously. Hell this apartment is filthy. Its nothing to be impressed by. I can't believe Alvin paid $500 for it. Of course it does have utilities included. Still, Billy has this in terrible fucking shape. I wouldn't want to rent this thing.
l was distant right before she went to sleep and she noticed. She asked me what was wrong but I didn't want to start a fight night before her event tomorrow. I've waited this long, I suppose one more day won't be bad. I doubt tomorrow night will be any different, but here's hoping.
Update, next night:
So I step and fetch and dote on her all day. We stay up watching Seinfeld videos on Crackle until midnight when I've finally hit my limit. She knows and has known since our talk at home the other day that I want to have sex and yet nothing is happening. I go to the bathroom in a small bit of a pout (really not too bad. nothing really overt, just quiet and matter of fact) and when I return, she asks me what's wrong.
ME:"I don't want to fight."
HER:"If I promise we won't fight, can we talk about it? What's wrong?”
ME:"The same issue we've been talking about for a day and a half."
HER:"I was just thinking about that. Do you want to?”
ME:"well you've already shut me down twice tonight."
HER: "How was I supposed to know you are serious? *smile* I thought we were just joking."
ME: "I touched your boobs and you told me to stop. That's kinda serious to me."
HER: "I didn't know. I still want to ...do you?" *smile*
ME: smile..."of course, Sweet 'tato."
So she goes to the bathroom and I shuck off my clothes and wait for her to come back. She strolls in naked looking like a billion dollars and we have some really great sex. Afterwards she told me at one point I might have bruised her G-spot. I apologized and she asked "What are you apologizing for. Hitting the G-spot is amazing." On the drive home she told me she came at least 4 times which makes me feel great. I still have trust issues about that, but I'm slowly getting over them.
Here it is several days later...and I'm thinking back. She didn't just give in to having sex. She genuinely wanted to and I'm glad we did.
We just had sex again last night as a matter of fact. I'm kind of at the point where I don't feel I need sex as much as I thought I did. I'm sure that will ebb and flow, but that's where I'm at right now.
Sitting at the office and thought I'd add an entry.
We had sex last night. It was pretty good. Not our best or our worst. I'd bought some wine and she said something about maybe having sex. "I'm not promising anything, but maybe." I wasn't in a hurry by any means.
We finally went upstairs after watching 20 episodes of Buffy and she started to go to sleep. After a little playful coaxing, we started fucking. She came once with Lady Marmelade (her Hitachi vibrator) first and then we got to fucking. I'm willing to do more foreplay to get her wet, but I guess at that time of night when she wants to get right to it, then Lady gets her there faster. IDK. Need to ask.
I'm sure it says something about my current headspace that I'm writing a lot about sex. I'm sure more "relationship-y" topics are on their way soon enough.
Well, speaking as a bi woman, I know women can be tough about sex. I was on and off about it in my younger years. Generally I was more into it when ovulating, but then of course, there's more pregnancy worry.
I have been much hornier since I started peri-menopause at age 42.
My gf is still of child bearing age, and she's hard to get in the mood. sigh... (just one reason I am poly and need/want/desire a man in my life)
Maybe you need an older hot woman lover!
General entry about what life is like in our relationship at the moment.
For the last two months at least...honestly for as long as I can remember, M is living with me in my big old house, along with our two dogs, two cats and 7 fish, as well as her sister and brother-in-law.
If that sounds a bit like a recap of the first post, perhaps, but that's the state of the relationship as it stands. We've been dating since July of last year and it's flooooown by. I love that.
As M is 20, and still has a lot of life to experience, she doesn't like saying she lives with me. She likes the idea that she lives at home but hangs out over at my house. Honestly, she could go back whenever she wanted. That's her choice. I'd get kinda lonely, but I'd also get a lot more done around the house. When we're together all I want to do is watch Netflix with both of us cuddled up with the dogs or go out thrifting with her.
That's us sleeping in a nest we made from the two couches in my front parlour. So warm and cozy and amazingly nestled.
M's parents live about 30 minutes (one way) from where I do, in a much smaller time. Oddly, if she didn't have my house for a home base, she'd have a much harder time dating. She cruises Tinder, OkCupid, and Plenty of Fish for new friends, some of whom become date potential. There's a college and a capitol in my town so the best potentials come from here. It's infinitely easier for her to walk to the local cafe for a coffee date or even have one pick her up at my house for a date than if they'd have to go get her all the way at her parent's home. If I'm being perfectly candid, it also gives me a measure of intelligence about what's going on as well....and I'd rather know than not know. That's not to say she couldn't get dates to come pick her up, but they are usually casual dates and if I were one of them it would be a bit much, but who knows.
Sometimes she gets anxious about being too tied down and will go back to her house for a few days or a week, although she's getting more comfortable spending long times away from home. She's the middle child and definitely gets a bit overlooked at home, though her mother loves her immensely to be sure. Her mother is one of the most amazing women I've ever met and does a great job running a home, being a wife to M's step father, and managing M's 18-year-old brother who is a talented folk/blues musician.
Unfortunately, the brother gets an inordinate amount of attention and, frankly, money thrown at his career, while M is left to fend for herself. As I love her so much and she adds so much to my life, I've been glad to be her career cheerleader. The recent trip for a car show photoshoot as an example. I paid for the entire trip, as well as several props and outfits for her to wear. Don't think she's using me, please because she would have been fine without me doing any of it and she never forces me or manipulates me into paying for things. Her work is picking up in the near future and we've discussed her paying me back for a lot of the gas and other things. I love her and I love helping her achieve things. I do wish that her mother would support both of them equally, but there's no changing that situation.
Her future is a bit up in the air, as she didn't finish high school due to medical reasons and so college really isnt in her future. She took the ACT and would have gotten into Vanderbuilt if it wasn't for her medical reasons. As of now she has a soft place to land with both her parents and myself. 20 years old isn't very old at all, so she still has time for her modelling career to take off, which I hope it does.
So we're living together for the most part. She stays home during the day while I go to work. Nightly activities depend on how much money either of us has at the moment. Lately it's been staying home, watching Netflix and working out. When she does arrange a date with someone, I can't blame her for going out and getting a free meal and some new company. I've been on a date or two with someone else myself, though it's much easier for a 20 year old model to get a date than a 42 year old lawyer. Plus I'm low on funds.
For the moment, life is steadily moving along. I'm scrambling to pay my bills, but somehow I always do every month.
When she goes out on dates, the unease has lessened immensely, but I always have in the back of my head that she could find someone else who could take up more of her time. She's assured me that no one could ever take my place and I believe her, but that lingering idea will always be tucked back somewhere. The last date she had potential for something more...she thought he was attractive, smart, and fun to talk to...until he said something really creepy about them "making out to pay him back for the meal." It was a terrible comment, but I can't tell if she almost blew it out of proportion to have a reason not to date him...and keep things only with me...which maintaining the illusion of still being poly. Does that make sense? Is it wishful thinking? I don't know.
I did a much better job of keeping busy and doing my own thing around the house while they were out. She did tell him while they were eating about the poly situation, which he'd said he'd never encountered before, but was willing to experiment with. She usually tells people about my being her "steady, significant partner/companion if the date goes well enough that she might want another. I'm fine with that. You don't just spring that on someone.
As it so happens, I found a wonderful, smart, sweet and funny potential date on Tinder two weeks ago and we've been texting back and forth. If I had the money to go see her (she's an hour and a half away), I'd totally date her and that would ease the poly situation even more.
I found another one whom I'm not as enthusiastic about, but who might turn out to be more of a friend, which is fine too. A fun friend to hang with is always great.
Guess that does it for now.
Perhaps I do. Oddly, when I was in college I had exactly that. Great story, mostly because it shows how times have changed in 20 years....
I was in my third year of college (20) and between places to live at the start of a semester. It's 7:30 a.m., I've got everything I own in the back of my car, and I'm at the bank atm close to campus.
Who shows up but this incredibly bewitching older (to me) woman (late 40s), pencil skirt, heels, looking absolutely drool-worthy. She was opening the branch as the manager and engaged me in small talk. After figuring out my situation and being attracted, she gave me the key to HER HOUSE, told me her young son would get dropped off in the afternoon along with her teenage daughter, and to make myself comfortable in her spare bedroom out in a nice suburb. I did just that and ended up living with her for two years ;) She taught me a lot about life and sex and relationships. We're actually still friends and email from time to time.
Not to sound egotistic, but lately older women just haven't been doing it for me. I suppose it's not all of them, I just havent found the right one yet.
ALSO: Thanks for the commiseration on the sex front. I'm having to adjust in part because, after eight months, our relationship has reached another level. While we still have an amazing relationship - stable, fun, funny, deep, and sarcastic, better in a million ways than the beginning - the NRE has worn off. Again, that's not to say either of us are bored, just that the sexual honeymoon is over. I did some soul searching and realized that I was still viewing her through the lens of what she was like at the beginning and expecting her to stay that way.
Add to that, one of the reasons why I divorced my ex-wife was that she and I didn't have sex for 3 years at a time...and that happened on more than one occasion during our 14 year marriage. I've been expecting M to be my "sexual savior" which isn't right. To be fair to myself though, M has always put herself out there as VERY sexually aggressive. It's part of her persona, though I'm learning that while it's not a lie, her bark is worse than her bite a bit. When she goes out on dates, she doesn't fuck on the first date, but normally she's really only looking for a fwb situation. So she showed me this hyper-sexual persona during courtship, but that's died down and for whatever reasons, I'm still expecting the original. I'm learning...I'm learning. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
searching and privacy
FYI, vanquish, polyamory.com is searchable. I think if pictures are in albums (look at your User CP - control panel) then they are more private. (Mods - did I get that right? If not, please chime in!) But photos posted in threads are likely fair game for searching. If you don't mind that, it's all good. But posting in a private forum is often not as private as one thought.
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