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-   -   from co workers to work spouses to who knows (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68569)

summertimesadness80 01-23-2014 03:24 PM

from co workers to work spouses to who knows
Hi my name is..lets say W. I am 34 and live in the midwest. If that's what you want to call it.
I wqs raised in the traditional manner. Husband and wife, only love that person till death and beyond. But as I grew up and experimented. I realized that the world is really complicated.

I have actually been in a poly relationship before. Core couple older husband and wife..I was her bf and he had a gf. Their personal problems before the start of the relationship, broke the entire family apart. During which I learn alot about loving more than one person.

Fast forward a few years, I got back in contact with someone I crushed on in junior high and high school. We were in band together and she never changed since high school. We began dating and now married. I began working a job doing surveillance, easy good pay. There I met a woman lets call her M..and call wife A. M came in and I wasn't attracted to her in any way. Year or so goes by, M is moved to my shift. She is very gossip heavy and immature for her age, especially being 2 years young married with 4 children. We started talking and sharig information about our lives, giving advice where needed. That backfired, she told a person at work thats very unsavory about a stomach issue I have and it became a joke. There were other things. I became angry with her and stopped our friendship.

There is where all normalcy ends.

We start back up. Rule no filters, no lying, no backstabbing. Etc. We start talking and she lets slip she was depressed and highly upset with herself for all she had done and will prove herself to be a better friend to me. Since during all this I had more "dirt" on her than she did me , but never told anyone. Months go by. We begin texting heavily, at this point M discovered her hubby had been cheating. We talked it put and I was like if you love him give him a chance. 4 kids and a 8 year marriage is important to some. He changed, he didnt care about her the kids or the marriage, and became abusive. Told her to end it.
At this time work drama from other coworkers, forced me to volunteer shift change.
Before she did end it, things got crazy between them. That was the day I was awaken but my text alert going off saying shr missed me and that she was always happy to see me at work. That I was her work husband. We laughed about it.
I didnt think much about it and feelings for her I thought were out of friendship.

New Year. Get a text she kissed someone. I flipped. I had an emotional breakdown. The entire time I said I was marrie and this made no sense. I filled y wife in and it broke her heart, hearing her husband having feelings for someone else.

I told my wife about my poly relationship and how yes its possible to have feelings for more than one person. In some ways she is letting it sink in. Some days its a repetitive process starting from the beginning and reexamining it all. M still text off and on but nothin like before, though at times she'll say she misses me and so on. Not to long ago she finally said she thought of me. I aked how long, she said since before her husband cheated. She keeps her feelings a secret now and skips over questioning bout how we feel. Her actions speak loud when at work. I made an off handed compliment about a perfume she wore about how I liked it on her. She said she stop wearing it cause another coworker hated its smell. But when my back was turned she quickly put it on.

Now she says we'll meet up to talk or she'll call later to discuss everything, but then days goes by with nothing. I'll text and M will just say whe was distracted. I hate feeling so much for her if she is goin to toy with my emotions. My wife is trying hard to be supportive and accept my feelings for M. I wish I could forget her but its a deep emotional attachment. It hurts to hate her and same when having to work. We dont talk at all at work. Its like a hole of unfinished conversations. I recently called her out on her actions and som of the things she said. Nothing yet.

Life is complex and crazy. M says she doesn't want me to get caught up I her stressed out world. I told her if she wasnt a friend and meant nothing to me then I wouldnt have wasted my time to care.

Btw M always says during a conversation she'll always worry and care for me. A thinks she is an emotion leech. Feeding on the attention she is getting and returning none. In a lot of ways M has made my relationship with A stronger. We talk more and do more. A doesnt see it but its there.i

kdt26417 01-23-2014 10:04 PM

Greetings summertimesadness80,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sounds like you have been on quite a roller-coaster ride, as far as M and your feelings about her are concerned. Your wife has been very generous to be supportive of this emotional attachment with M, and seems to be genuinely concerned about your own welfare when she sees how upset you can be over the M situation. I am certainly supportive of polyamory and of people's efforts to live polyamorously, but there are some cases where poly isn't working very well and this seems to be one of those cases. M doesn't seem to be a very suitable partner as you can't rely on her to be there for you. Her interest levels seem to run hot and cold.

I wonder if starting a blog on the Life stories and blogs board might be helpful for you. You might also find it helpful to read other people's blogs on that board. It could help broaden and deepen your perspective on the many roads people travel, and it might help you to feel less alone.

I would say put your marriage first at this time, and let the thing with M be of secondary importance. I would even try to take steps to not think about her so much. You need to clear your head and think more about other things for awhile so that you can come back and size up the M situation with an objective frame of mind. The shared workspace makes that more difficult but don't let that become an excuse to slide down the easier path. You've got to take the bull by the horns and steer your own destiny.

I hope we here on Polyamory.com can help.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

summertimesadness80 01-23-2014 10:46 PM

Thanks so much for the advice, and commenting. A has been a rock for me and extremely supportive. All to my surprise actually. Again thank you so much for the advice.

kdt26417 01-24-2014 12:46 AM

No problem, and I hope things'll turn out alright.

Audball 01-25-2014 04:49 AM

Well, now I'm here, too. This is "A", and I am here to not only tell my side of things, but to also hopefully find some support in moving forward in my journey to figure out how this situation will work itself out for us.

A little info and background on me... or maybe a lot, I tend to ramble. I am 35 and W and I have been married for a little over 2 years, together nearly 5 years, but have been friends for almost 20 years. To add a little more complication to this whole thing, I am about to give birth to our first child.

I, honestly, had no idea that this situation could happen to me. It never entered my mind that my husband could fall for anyone else, and if he did, never thought it could not take away from what we have together, which to me, honestly, is still up in the air. I am struggling to understand this notion. It isn't really that I was raised in a traditional household. My mom was single until I was 14. She married my step dad 18 years ago. But even though I was raised by a single mom, I still grew up to expect the "happily ever after" monogamous relationship. I'm still a little shell shocked to find my dreams dashed, so to speak.

I had a little more figured out than either W or M gave me credit for, or maybe before they really realized it themselves. I questioned things a few times to W over the last few months, and once I actually contacted M, but was just given general "its about work" answers by the both of them. Contacting M really upset my husband, but at the time, I felt like it was my only option to maybe get some answers.

Slowly W started sharing more with me. Then the whole New Years Day thing happened. He came home from work that night, I was in bed, and began texting me and calling me. He was too upset to move from the living room to the bedroom to get me. I get up to find him in an emotional state that I never care to witness again. He spilled everything that night. Although he had told me a couple of days prior that he did have feelings for M, it was at that time that I was told the true depth of these feelings.

Of course, I was shocked. But at that time I was more focused on helping him through his pain to be focused on my own pain. The last thing I wanted to do at that time, was make him feel worse.

There are a few reasons, other than the obvious monogamous mind, that I have a huge problem with this whole situation. Over the last few years that he and M have worked together, she has completely screwed him over at work more than once, one time going as far as telling his boss that she and another female co-worker had been threatened and didn't feel safe around him. So, when this whole thing started, I was very confused as to why he spent all day texting someone who had royally screwed him over so many times. He never told me they had talked things out and rebuilt trust between the two of them until we got to the "revel stage". I still do not trust her.

Secondly, I have this huge issue with a woman going through a divorce because she has been cheated on, trying to seduce a married man. Because that's what I feel she is doing.

Third, she's tearing him apart emotionally. As much as I despise the fact that the feelings are there at all, I hate even more that she seems to be stringing him along, and that he keeps falling for it. In some ways, I feel like I'm more of a platonic friend trying to help him through a bad break up. lol

I've been in a situation where I was being torn up emotionally, and the man I was with seemed to get some kind of twisted satisfaction that he had that kind of control over me. I dubbed him an emotional sadist. I let him string me along for 2 years and completely rip me to pieces. I do NOT want to watch this happen to the man I love, and I feel like I am helplessly witnessing this, again. It isn't fun.

W is very correct in saying there are days when I seem to revert all the way back to the beginning and have to reanalyze everything that has happened. Those days are very hard for both of us. This is probably a once a week occurrence now, but at first it was probably daily. It's a lot to wrap my mind around. I teeter between being ok, being extremely angry, or being a complete emotional wreck and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. (I imagine this may be a little less crazy if I wasn't very, very pregnant).

I hate being on an emotional roller coaster. I hate dragging W along for the ride. I know that me being in pain hurts him, as well, but I still have a lot to process where this is concerned. It's still very confusing to me, and at times, I still feel like his feelings for her somehow take away from what we have. Sometimes I feel like there must be something missing in me, and that's why he feels she is a necessity in his life. And part of me resents the fact that I'm on the outside of all of this. It wasn't something that was discussed and consented beforehand, it just happened and I got stuck in the middle of all of this. He continues to reassure me that it actually has nothing to do with me. I am trying to let that sink in to a point where I can believe it more than doubt it...

But on the other hand, this seems to be bringing the two of us closer together, and he has been more open and honest with me these last few weeks than he has our entire relationship. I just hate the fact that it took him falling for someone else to get us to this point. I am doing my best to learn to accept this, but it's difficult for me. Bah... I feel like I go around and around and around... and that's about it. LOL

summertimesadness80 01-25-2014 07:53 AM

Babe I m glad you shared you view on the matter. It is quite a conundrum. I hope the more communicate the more we can work everything out. Kisses.

Natja 01-25-2014 10:39 AM

OP, you can start by recognising you have become infatuated by a twisted monster. If that doesn't cool your cockles and realise that you should regard her with contempt, not puppy dog adoration, than I don't know what will. You have an amazing wife, who is about to give birth, stop being such a sap and take care of your responsibilities.

You are a very, very lucky man! Don't screw it up!

alibabe_muse 01-26-2014 02:53 PM

W - you have a baby who will be here soon & a very loving supportive wife. Will you be focused on helping A out when you are home? Babies take up a lot of time and are a lot of work. No matter what you decide to do regarding how you feel for M, are you going to be able to be a 100% co-parent? Feedings every two to three hours, constant diaper changes, lots of crying and if momma is emotional at all, baby will sense it a 100% escalating the stress of a new born.

M is not serious about you & just seems to get off on how she affects you. Whatever went on between her & her soon to be ex, you only know her story, not his. Not saying her side wasn't told to you truthfully but you never know. And honestly, if she had been vindictive with you in the past as just a coworker, if you decide she is toxic and not worth it, will she be vindictive again, possibly getting you fired? She just does not appear to be trust worthy.

I'd sever ties civilly with her and focus on the new life about to be here. This baby deserves 100% of your attention and love, he/she did not ask you to create her/him and being all crazy emotional over a woman who truly doesn't care about you is not fair to this soon to be little person in your life.

summertimesadness80 01-26-2014 05:39 PM

Thanks for the response and advice on the matter. I am 100% involved in my wife and soon to be here son. The M situation has changed. 2 wks of being back on shift with her has shown me in my absence how far she has fallen. The once mature fun person I enjoyed is replaced by a person trying to recapture the clubbing lifestyle. She has become a person I saw alot when my mother worked and owned daycares. Those mothers who rather be out doing god knows what while her children are left by the roadside. Lies continue and I m not hear it. To me its done. Reading post here and people's experiences in happy positive relationships, has helped me see that she is a complete waste of time as anything. Friendship is gone, but she wants to keep our friendship. I do know how babies consume alot of you time. Thats a welcomed thing. Especially with possibility of being a stay at home father.

Quick update: jan25th. Worked with M had a conversation bout things. Called her out on alot of her bs. Keep wife informed with screenshots and emails. Yea she knew everything that was going on. In the end just said forget it and don't worry about it. Everything with her has ceased as far as anything emotional. If its not about work I dont talk to her. It was like a role reversal.* Me empowered and her suffering. Will what happens have 2 more days to work with her.
As far for me and her, she is on the out. She is hiding to much of her feelings like an iceberg, 60% of the truth is underwater.

My wife is my rock and my support, as I m hers. I m more than grateful of all she does. Me joining this forum has help immensely, first thing I did after joining was have her check it out. Well now she is a member as well. From all the articles and other blogs about this,* we got she should just deal with it. I didnt like that atittude. This forum has been a godsend for us both. So thanks for all the

Audball 01-26-2014 10:33 PM

I just wanted to reply, as well.

I really hope my post doesn't make my husband out to be an uncaring douche, because that is far, far from the type of person he is.

He has been right by my side this entire pregnancy, throughout our struggles to conceive, and our whole married and dating life. I have some issues with infertility and his love and support is the only thing that got me through it. It is very difficult to understand how gut wrenching dealing with infertility is until you walk in those shoes. We had to work for our little guy! We both feel very blessed that this is happening for us after being so afraid it may never.

It was the support I found through a board geared toward my specific fertility issue that gave me the idea to suggest my husband look into finding a board to help him sort out his feelings for M. The funny thing is, when I brought it up to him, he was already checking out this site. He sent me his post, I read it and checked out the site a little. When I expressed an interest in also joining, he was excited that I was interested in learning more about how his mind works.

He and M's relationship is non-sexual, and though they had discussed "hanging out" outside of the work place, that never happened. They built their feelings off of a lot of text messaging, phone calls, and working in close proximity. He has not ever really let his feelings/messaging with her interfere with the time we spend together.

At this point, he is more interested in helping me understand his feelings, rather than trying to convert me into thinking the way he does. To be honest, I don't know if I will ever fully grasp the ideas of a poly relationship, but the reason I am here is to, at the very least, find some support for us both, and hopefully gain a little understanding.

Do I wish this never happened? Well, truthfully, it's kind of a yes and no... I do not really like the idea of my husband having feelings for another woman, but this has really opened up our lines of communication like never before. He has gone from, to a point trying to hide the fact he was texting M, to summarizing their conversations to me, to now sending me screen shots of all of their communication. He is taking the steps to end things with her, as civilly as he can, since they will still be working together in close proximity. Her actions of late are really helping him get through this, too. We are hoping that once our son is born and we get a few things in order, he can resign his position and stay home with our baby while finishing college. He supported me through school, and I would love to return the favor.

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