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-   -   the written word (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68555)

roman 01-22-2014 08:33 PM

the written word
Hi all,

For the larger part of my sexual active life I've had a curiosity about polyamory. But my (and most of my peers) inability to struggle free from cultural restraints never realy gave a lot of opportunity to experience the 'life-style'.
For a bit over 7 years now, my partner and I form a couple. We have a son of 5.

My passion lays in writing. I've recently finished a first novel and am gearing up to write a second one. But due to the nature of my writing in combination with the near exclusive attention towards the economical aspect most publishers hold on to these days, I have to combine writing with earning a living in other ways.
It is primarily in regard to this second book that I've registered on this forum. Since this post is only meant as an introduction, I'll post more about this elsewhere.

kdt26417 01-23-2014 12:16 AM

Greetings roman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Will be interested to hear about your upcoming novel; if I may ask could you post a link in this thread leading to your new thread about that book when you get that thread started.

Poly has to contend with a lot of social conditioning. Yet in spite of that, it is gaining ground. I think that says something about how much the idea quietly resonates with people.

Hope you'll enjoy your time on our site, and that we can answer any questions you may have.

Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

roman 01-23-2014 08:06 PM

as suggested by the moderator, here's the link to my new thread:


kdt26417 01-23-2014 09:26 PM

Sounds good. I visited the new thread and posted there briefly. Best wishes to you in this literary endeavor.
Kevin T.

roman 02-06-2014 01:39 PM

intro: extanded version
As I mentioned in my first post, I'm interested in polyamory but by having been brought up in a small village and in a main-stream manner, I have been protected from all possible wicked influences of people with unorthodox walks of life. As of consequence, any genuine intrest in such walks of life where continuously being smothered (by myself).

This, offcourse leaves me the question: if I so easily bend away from poly life (and continue to do so after shaking off other cultural restraints while becoming an adult); does it really reverberate that much inside of me? Or has being raised as I was in fact dulled my Libido (in the psychological sense of life-energy) with a lessening of libido (now sexual energy) as one of its results?
And related to these questions: is there such a thing as a poly-personality (but that, offcourse, is a very vague and generalising question)?

In my current relationship with the Lady, the topic has brushed the surface of our comfortable life 2 or 3 times: in the beginning, and then the subsequent times years apart.
When we got to know each other, we very fast spend lots of time together and it felt as if we already knew each other for 20 years at least. In the beginning we had great sex: very (by our own measure) experimental, with lots of daring outdoor-explorations, flirts with BDSM, to just name some examples. For me sex = experiment. For the Lady it rather was an intens and deep exploration of previously untraveled domains of het psyche, which more than once brought up heavy emotions and liberating teers, but once she felt that bucket had emptied, she more and more felt inclined to more tender forms of physicality. And with this we found the gap that exists between the two of us: I don't mind hugging and kissing, but as of yet, I have found no means to travers from there into the (for me) entirely different realm of sex. It is as if I get my sexual kick largely from a black'n'white approach; a sudden laps from one time-frame to the other, from day-to-day-chores to hot steaming "porn" (I associate the word "bedroom" not with "sex", but with "sleep", while my associations to "dinnertable" or "bathtub" or "parkbench" very easily become sexual).
Since the birth of our child, the Lady and I have been sexualy together about 5 times, that's once a year ... is this an indication against being poly? Does one have to be a sexual glutton to live poly instead of fantasize about it?

This last question transports me back to a previous relationship, which was in nearly all aspects of why people come close to each other rather meager, except for the sex we had: i t w a s a m a z i n g
I knew at the time she was not faithfull to me, but since we never talked about it (I'm not fond of confrontations and avoid them if possible), I found that I couldn't realy blame her. Two times a situation evolved that could grow into a threesome; one with a girl-friend (she had had frequent sex with before), which I blocked off by being tired (true) and going home, and one with a guy while we where on holiday, which I broke off because the "getting to know each other" phase needed too much time for my taste (which pissed her off, so we had a terrible evening afterwards). So two possible actualisations of my fantasies, and I was the one to stop them. (and as I type, I'm aware that having a threesome doesn't necesarliy say anything about polyamory)

an other, and as I'm starting to see more important issue, is communication: I'm a poor communicator (either by nature or by lack of practice) who above that needs vast landscapes of time for himself in a relationship (should I even have one, I tend to ask myself when this treath of my personality pops into cosciousness). And if one aspect makes a poly relationship workable, it is that: communication, not?

The question (or one of the questions) I have is whether the Lady and I overly protect each others feelings by muffling the enitre field of sexuality (with each other or with others), with a comfortable situation as reward?

kdt26417 02-06-2014 08:29 PM

It has been my observation and experience that poly comes in a great range of shapes and sizes, and it is difficult to give much standard advice that works for everybody. A few generalizations are possible with basic qualifiers.

One thing I usually recommend is (assuming you haven't read it already) that you pick up a copy of the book "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. It covers a lot of important poly topics as well as topics about open relationships in general.

An important concept about polyamory is that it is primarily about *romantic* relationships -- not necessarily *sexual* relationships. While sex is part of many poly relationships, it is more the romantic emotional part that actually defines a relationship as being poly (that and of course the involvement of more than two adults in the equation). So how often or how seldom you have sex isn't necessarily what determines whether you're poly or poly-inclined.

On the other hand, I've seen evidence of a spectrum between monogamous inclinations and polyamorous inclinations. Some people have just *gotta* have poly in their life. Others could take it or leave it. This says nothing about what point on the spectrum is more/most superior, it just says that different people have different wants and needs. Perhaps you have intellectually realized that polyamory is a valid way of conducting relationships, without necessarily have a driving need to put poly into practice into your own life. If so, then it is now up to you decide whether you want to practice polyamory personally.

It's quite possible that if you get involved in a poly relationship, your sexual libido levels will increase -- by how much, who knows. That sort of thing is hard to predict.

You mentioned that sex seems to be an all-or-nothing occurrence for you; you're either not in the zone at all, or else you're right in the thick of it. Whereas I take it the Lady you are with has more of a transitional stage of warming up to sex? Is this a problem for the two of you? Is it making it harder for you two to have as much of a sex life together as you'd like to have? If so, you might want to look into seeing a sex therapist for help.

Communication is admittedly reeeally really important when it comes to making poly work. However, I can't say it always *has* to happen. Like in the V I'm in, two people are strong communicators, while the third person is a weak communicator. This "weak link in the communication chain" has been a challenge for us, especially in the past, but we have learned to live with and work around it and things seem to be fine. Indeed, there's a fairly highly rated book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" ... by Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny. I don't know that that's the answer -- to blithely dismiss the importance of communication and do without it. I think it's better to hone your communication skills (quantity and quality) as time goes on. But I'm just saying that being "communication challenged" doesn't necessarily spell doom for your poly prospects.

I actually suggest you do a word search (tag search better yet) for "communication." Proceed with poly if it interests you, but work on your communication skills at the same time.


"The question (or one of the questions) I have is whether the Lady and I overly protect each others feelings by muffling the entire field of sexuality (with each other or with others), with a comfortable situation as reward?"
Unfortunately I can't really answer that question at all. It's too personal. I'd have to know much more about you and the Lady you're with. I think this may mostly be a question for you to ask yourself. Do you smooth things over (sexually) so as not to rock the boat? The fact that you're asking it, almost begs the question, so maybe the answer is a rhetorical, "Yes." But before assuming that, I'd do some digging into your own thoughts and feelings (both you as an individual, and you and the Lady as a couple), and see what comes to light.

Reading and journaling would be helpful in that regard. I suggest visiting the Life stories and blogs board on this site; it may help you locate a mirror set at many different angles. Ask yourself the same question after several months of heavy introspection and see if the answer has changed.

roman 02-07-2014 09:41 PM

thanks very much for this reply. Have to let it sink in a bit. The annoying advantage :D of writing out ones thoughts on a 'mirror' that actualy answers needs some getting used to.

For now I can only say that your remark about poly playing primarily on the romantic field sounds very 'me'.

Thanks for your post!

kdt26417 02-10-2014 02:11 AM

No problem, always glad to help.

LovingRadiance 02-10-2014 04:07 AM

I will leave you to digest Kevins very wise guidance.
But wanted to say that if you want direct answers on any specifics, feel
Free to pm me.
Welcome to the board!

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